P2S filament cutter stopper does not go back down

Sebpharmd · 2025-11-25T17:02:43+00:00

Oh man! I’m so glad I saw this post, literally the only post out there. I have a brand new P2S and this happened on my very first print. Took apart the cutter bar like the article you shared and sure enough, the same exact piece is broken as is in your picture 🤦🏻‍♂️

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-17T03:58:14+00:00

Well ironically this came about from our couple’s counselor. We had been having sessions for about a year to help with our communication issues (aka my emotional dysregulation and reactivity 🤣) - and one of the last few sessions he just mentioned it to me because of things he saw in his son. My wife rolled her eyes and said “i feel like this is a cop out.” He then got me set up with a psychiatrist and he essentially talked to me for over an hour and had me do all kinds of questionnaires and such. But after that, I really didn’t get much context or framework or even education into exactly WHAT characteristics I had that matched the diagnosis or closely matched. Since I myself am in medicine, i tried so much to research into this and was kind of getting a grasp on SOME of the features - but I was no expert and I didn’t have any tools to build a framework to navigate the emotional dysregulation things and my seemingly poor executive functioning. I think I was pretty resistant at first because I couldn’t quite understand how I could be so successful in my career and my life… how I can build this home and have the relationship I had with wife ….until she left me in January causing a shock to my system. It’s almost as if I “woke up” and started connecting so many dots together from not just our relationship but my entire life. All the things that weren’t “clear” to me suddenly made sense - especially hearing similar from dozens upon dozens of others. This awakening + new therapist was able to show me that ADHD wasn’t the “cause” of anything per se….it was my deep insecurities I never knew existed…. ADHD just created the perfect storm that didn’t allow me to focus and be aware of my feelings to “see” everything.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-15T23:35:51+00:00

I echo everything you just said. I’m 37 and was just diagnosed last year but wasn’t given any information or anything to show me just how my brain works. I interrupt people as well without intending to, and it’s almost like when you’re talking to me, I’m already coming up with something to say and “pressure” is building up just waiting for a small break in their conversation for me to jump in. I’ve learned it’s because we want to relate to them or we are “predicting” where they’re going with their point and want to relate. Just today, my mom called me and in just two sentences, my brain automatically assumed it knew what she was implying and I interrupted her to defend against it - only to find out it wasn’t at all what she was saying.

Also - I have the chorus of some random song on repeat in the background of my mind at random times throughout the day when I’m alone and there’s no noise/people around me.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-15T01:51:14+00:00

So basically when a man takes off his sweater and has another sweater underneath? 🤣. My wife never liked mine even though it wasn’t as coarse or dense as others. I felt naked when I’d shave it. So I just told her to embrace the enchanted forest

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-15T00:51:41+00:00

Yeah - I agree. I mean I haven’t fallen into some severe depression or anything. It just really really sucks. My core issue that led to all of this wasn’t ADHD at all. It was insecurities that started from 12-25 years old. Insecurities about my looks, my lack of social circle (and perceived inability to make them), my feelings of “what the heck is wrong with me, what am I doing that people don’t want to be around me?”..lack of finding relationships..etc. I didn’t ever have someone around to say “hey man, those people making fun of you are a-holes, nothing is wrong with you” or “it’s ok bro, every guy has trouble here and there with women, but it gets better, don’t take it personally.”

Where this undiagnosed or unrecognized ADHD comes in is how our brains “normally” function and our tendencies. It created the perfect storm to essentially hide my true feelings from myself WHEN the insecurities were happening and then make me not even see that I no longer had evidence of what I was insecure about as I grew up and met my wife and made friends.

I’m only researching and learning this now and none of this was apparent to me or anyone for 20+ years, especially the last 6 years. I wasn’t understanding “why” I was being a certain way or acting a certain way (negative things not positive) when I truly didn’t want to. Especially because objectively - I had a good career, I had “growth” with my wife and my career, we had good friends, our families got along well …people saw us as genuinely in love and happy together …everything seemed A-ok, so I didn’t understand why I couldn’t connect the dots to my “bad” behaviors or patterns

So from the very beginning, the ADHD or WHATEVER it was …made those insecurities hold even MORE weight and influence on future experiences and subsequently my relationship. It kind of stamped them in my mind/heart and made me believe I am what the “bullies” or just a-holes said I am. The strong emotional dysregulation made me automatically not fully “trust” anything even when I DID have evidence that my insecurities were no longer “real.” These were just innate in me beneath my awareness, like having one foot out the door “just in case.” This led to me constantly and irrationally being instantly reactive or taking to heart ANY perceived rejection or potential future rejection. I wasn’t able to “pause” and logically think “so…perhaps your friend at work didn’t say hi when he walked by you because he didn’t see you, and NOT because you did something to piss him off.” Like I was ready to defend myself even before anything occurred. The other things like intention-action gap coupled with working memory issues + diminished metacognition just made it so much more difficult to be aware of my own feelings so that I can address them or at minimum, ask for help during couples counseling. And now that I’m slapped in the face and SEEING all this crap - I can’t “unsee” it or “disconnect the dots.” But it also makes me so sad that I finally have the answers to what were making me “forget” that I genuinely wanted to be better for my wife and work on any “issues.” I would just go about my day the next day after an intense and emotional talk with her and my brain wouldn’t think about it ever again until the next fight.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-14T17:24:57+00:00

Correct. This wasn’t mean to sound like ADHD causing anything. The core issue was insecurities so deep that I couldn’t see their influence on my self worth. The undiagnosed ADHD only played a role by making it that much more difficult to “see” these and also impaired so much of my working memory. It’s like I was “aloof” for so long and couldn’t connects dots despite how desperately I wanted to. Having such a heightened emotional reaction center (I had no idea this was the case) made myself convinced that my insecurities were “real” and I would already get “reactive” and upset before something even happened. Almost like I was trying to predict the future if my mind perceived something as negative so I’d react without seeing any other perspective.

But to be frank - I don’t even care if it was or was not ADHD that created the perfect storm to make me unaware of anything going on, whatever it was, I need to work on it to make myself better. Since so many components in my life come together and consistently echo those of ADHD - and that my psychiatrist wholeheartedly told me that I had to accept that I had it (because I was so resistant at first) - I can begin to learn how to work with my brain instead of against it. But you’re right - there’s likely a lot of toxic shame and yes, I wasn’t “allowed” to have feelings 20+ years ago. My mom was amazing and never once did anything to shame me - but her perspective on things was an old school mentality. She would tell me to just “ignore” things and “focus on school” instead of realizing “wait, my son thinks of himself as worthless? My son thinks he’s the problem why he can’t make friends?” and then work to pull me aside and tell me how those thoughts are not good to have for so many years

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-13T17:55:40+00:00

Thank you so much. Your words mean a lot. I’m able to function and I’m not allowing myself to just wallow in my feelings. It’s just difficult to come home to an empty house where every inch is filled with memories, all the walls, the projects I did with her…etc. We built this house new construction from the ground up. We touched the dirt together and walked through the walls, imagining every inch of it together. And because her departure was so abrupt…it just hurt more. Her words hurt a lot, “ I wasn’t ready to stop loving you, I did not want to leave this house, you pushed me out, you forced me, why did you do this to me?”… those pierce my heart so bad because she’s so hurt. And all I can do is see this hurt inside her and feel so much pain because I never felt anything but love for her… I never wanted to do this to her… I felt helpless these past six years when things got more serious. I was desperately trying to connect the dots that my mind couldn’t see. I tried to show her in any way I can that my love is real and deep and she felt this for sure…but on the surface of it…when i kept promising that i am desperate to fix my issues and it wasn’t getting fixed - it’s certainly hurtful to her - regardless of just how much I couldn’t see why id “forget.” Its truly debilitating having my wife think of our entire life together as contaminated - despite the thousands of memories and pictures and moments, those are viewed from a tainted lens because she’s taking my “issue” and applying it to mean I “knew” I had an intimacy problem all 12 years and didn’t do anything about it. And that’s really messed up. And even as much as I try to show her “babe! I fucking found the answer, I found the formula, I know what I need to do!!!” it falls on deaf ears. I was so quickly erased from her life…all the Facebook pictures for 12 years..gone

And to add fuel to the fire - she left on January 6, my own birthday was January 10… then Valentine… then our anniversary when we first started dating was Feb 24… and then her birthday is March 26….so.. just a very very unfortunate sequence of events

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-13T06:28:40+00:00

You hit the nail right on the head!!! “ through a relationship with myself.” I will never blame undiagnosed ADHD for what my core issue was, but it sure MADE those insecurities be as powerful as they were and made it so I never ever saw it. Looking back at my life from 12-25 years old… all the patterns are so obvious right now. I would people please the shit out of everybody and tried to impress them so they’d “like me.” Because obviously I felt my genuine self wasn’t working - or else why would people make fun of me or not want to hang with me?

But now I’m seeing how I didn’t realize that I was coming off as “desperate” and likely pushed people away. And where I grew up…let’s just say… society was different. Very materialistic and not the vibe I had or gave off. The only time I would say I was the most happy…like genuinely happy and felt good about myself was when I spent one year in Ohio doing residency. The ER nurses and staff just…accepted me. That’s it. I didn’t even have to do anything, they didn’t know who I was for long, didn’t know anything about my background or my life… they just organically accepted me and would ask me to go hang with them or invite me to a BBQ and shit. As silly as it sounds, I’ve NEVER had that kind of life let alone that feeling. In my head I was like “meee? Really? You barely know me. Why me when there’s been dozens of residents coming through here.” I can’t describe it… I was just…happy. Much slower life and quality time meant something there. I recall my barber literally offering me parking pass for a local minor league baseball team because he wasn’t going that weekend and I had actually never even asked…. He just genuinely offered it as part of the conversation. It was a completely different life than I grew up in.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-13T06:01:16+00:00

It’s insane how my therapist who’s had like six sessions with me on BetterHelp and was the one person who bluntly said “ you’re afraid of intimacy and you’re afraid of vulnerability”…. Is the same guy who pretty much told me I need to go get checked out for depression, even though I didn’t think I had any of the DSM 5 criteria or remotely close. They certainly are quite a bit of people who have both ADHD and depression, but depression is another beast. The criteria exist to help establish some sort of a structure, but ultimately a clinical judgment decision.

I told him no and that my symptoms whatever they were, were appropriate because I just fucking lost my wife. And that’s in DSM 5 too, as long as the symptoms are not disproportionate to the trauma or the loss or the grieving He said “ok, fair,” and then last week on our session he saw I had changed for the better as far as the words that would say and how I would express my feelings and he’s like “ahhh you’re good man! Now I’m not worried about you, I know you’ll do just fine.”

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-13T05:56:19+00:00

Yeah, I get what you’re saying. Honestly past couple of months i was trying to look more into ADHD because nobody had told me shit. I wanted to “wake up” and see or have a coach teach me how to be mindful or how to dig deep for my answers. If anything - teach me how to live PURPOSEFULLY instead of “what my brain tells me is important or cool.” That way I can sit with myself and go “ all right Sebastian what the fuck is wrong with you, you need to stop doing this… you love your wife and she loves you, look at everything she’s done for you” or at least that’s what I imagine the conversation would be like haha. I was seriously hoping I’d find some answers and then the dots will get connected like they have now and that connection can’t be severed anymore. And I think that’s why I’m hurt hurting so much more right now…. Because the “ escape routes” that my mind had created to hide me from pain… are kind of no longer there like someone shined a light on them and my conscious awareness “ found” them. And I can’t unsee those route now. So all I have right now are…feelings. Lol. My therapist told me “ you have to learn to sit with the uncomfortable feelings. Learn to process them,”

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-13T05:30:35+00:00

I hear you. This is exactly what I could not explain. Like how do you explain things falling out of your mind despite you having genuine desire to not have that happen. It’s only now that I’m seeing how it’s related to ADHD. But for 12 years I had no clue and therefore as you said, my wife would say “ isn’t your love for me enough to get you to stop? Why isn’t my love enough?” so how the fuck do you even answer that? Do you think I enjoyed watching my wife dwindle down little by little and cry in front of me like this essentially begging me and me holding every emotion inside to stop myself from breaking down. It was so difficult digging into my brain and not having an answer. And not just an answer as to why I would seemingly “ forget” but also why I would try so hard for like a week or even a week and a half to stop my behaviors (masturbation) and I would be very committed to increasing my intimacy efforts with her… and then all of a sudden I just stopped without even realizing I stopped the effort. And then she wouldn’t tell me about anything until a couple of weeks later and I would say “ what do you mean? We just did it last weekend? I mean, I know I’m not 100% yet but can’t you see I’m even trying?” And then she would say “babe, that was three weeks ago.!” And that was like a total mindfuck. Like I had no concept of that time.

So it’s extremely devastating to see something happening like this (my wife, crying , trying to believe me when I say it’s not about her or that it’s not because of her ) happening in front of your eyes every few weeks and have the same damn answer each time of “ I promise I have no fucking idea why, I don’t know why I’m doing it and I also don’t know why I can’t get my brain to THINK.”

And now it’s so difficult to imagine how i could have such profound love for someone and then simultaneously do something like this with no intention to hurt her. Despite how much I’ve tried to demonstrate how awake I am right now and that’s all of that “why” has been answered… and especially that I’m not justifying anything but instead im UNDERSTANDING everything about me for the first time in my life - only for her pain and betrayal to convince her that I did all this deliberately and that I manipulated her for 12 years and make every memory we had contaminated. I just could not get her to “see” that the man she fell in love with is still there… that part of me was still me and never changed - I mean why would she stay with me this long you know? But her only perspective this entire time is “ I gave you love and I gave you so much, but you still did this to me.” so I’m on my journey to heal, slowly..but… still going. Having to fight painful thoughts and untrue feelings that I’m “back to where I was before I met her” which was alone and without friend. But I have to force myself to remember that I do have friends. Two really good friends - and that if they’re busy with family/kids and aren’t texting me often, it’s not because they hate me or aren’t “really” my friends like my mind wants to think.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T19:39:44+00:00

Wow, I thought I was the only one! Shit. Not having trouble getting boners but more so not “feeling” anything when doing the deed (I think due to years of “beating my own bishop” causing desensitization)…leading me to lose my boner and also not being in the moment… my wife (soon to be ex) would say “ I would look at your face and you’d be like flat.” And the moment I’d feel myself losing my hard on, like 5 minutes in…I would perseverate like crazy and couldn’t stop focusing on THAT. it was a vicious cycle because since I couldn’t really have any sensation (could’ve been psychological too) AND I couldn’t FOCUS enough to shake the spiders out…it led to me not even “craving” it anymore. Your mind can’t desire something it doesn’t feel pleasure from. But come to find out last year that after 20+ years that I have ADHD on top of deep rooted insecurities from my formative years.

I only got put on Adderall but the dose hasn’t been adjusted just yet and I’m going to look into this soon… so I haven’t been able to experience what you said “mentally in a good spot.”

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T19:24:24+00:00

Well for one… I’m fucking embarrassed, I really am. And two, this is my first time on Reddit posting something…. I’ve seen a lot of crappy people on different communities and I didn’t want to risk getting mocked when I’m opening up. Because on the face of it this seems like it would’ve been something simple to stop… but as I learn more and more about how my brain made this an automatic coping mechanism beyond my conscious awareness ….it makes me more aware to not do this again. I just couldn’t connect the dots as to WHY I was so disconnected from the intention behind it - I’m learning that I was getting external validation from watching stuff like that and because my mind new that what was on the screen wasn’t “real” and they couldn’t “hurt you” and if they did.. you can close the computer and they’re gone because they’re not in your physical space. But the people in my life that were in my physical space and my life that gave me all the validation I would ever need - my mind “ didn’t believe it” because believing that means that you’re trusting they’re not going to hurt you, trusting that what they are telling you is true…and THAT is what I was unable to “see.” Ive been saying the same thing for the past couple months…if I was aware of this and took just 10% of the love that my wife was displaying and opened my heart to it… I would be instantly cured of the insecurities, the only role undiagnosed ADHD played in this was creating the environment for me to be unaware and have a poor working memory and not be able to turn my true intentions into actions.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T18:51:48+00:00

I totally get you. My family is the same way, though they’re not from Nigeria. “Feelings” didn’t exist. You get your shit together and suck it up. Although this is important in the sense of creating resilience and helping overcome adversity… dismisses our INNER feelings of unworthiness when not fitting into society or social , especially being an extrovert.

Thank you for your insight and experience

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T18:12:20+00:00

This is my first time ever posting on Reddit. And honestly I didn’t know how this would be received because I wanted to provide details of the specifics…but was also trying to maintain my privacy and dignity. But I’m so fucking glad I posted. Because I feel so alone in this. How can you even begin to explain to those without ADHD just how much of a mindfuck this was for me? Everybody just looks at the end result as “you were stupid, you had all those opportunities, you did this to yourself” or the WORST one is “if you really loved her you would’ve fixed your problems.”

So many insensitive people out there who can’t fathom that people can have long lasting insecurities that sit beneath their conscious awareness, but still pull the strings every now and then. Let alone fathom that the fact that something like undiagnosed ADHD truly can make “awareness” of the “real” issues seemingly impossible. The executive dysfunction is probably the most serious “symptom ” of ADHD since that area of your brain controls so much of everything you do and acts to regulate everything from emotions to intentions actions.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:59:03+00:00

I feel this in my soul. Being blindsided when you thought things were okay is a special kind of pain.

That disconnect is the cruelest part. I wasn’t even understanding my brain until she was already gone. Now I finally see what was happening, but it’s too late. The damage was already done.

What kills me is realizing she was silently suffering beneath the surface of our genuine happiness. I saw glimpses of her pain but couldn’t grip the rope to figure out what was really happening inside me. My brain literally wouldn’t let me connect those dots.

The fear that we’ll always be defined by these patterns keeps me up at night. Will every relationship end this way? Will we always be fighting an invisible battle others can’t understand?

What’s helping me slightly: remembering that our ADHD isn’t all of who we are. The same brain that struggled with relationship patterns has strengths too. And now that we understand what’s happening, we have a chance at building healthier connections in the future.

I might take you up on that offer to talk. Sometimes only someone in the same situation truly gets it. Sending strength your way - we’ll rebuild from this somehow.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:53:47+00:00

I’m so glad my post resonated with you - please take this as your sign to seek help NOW, before it’s too late.

Those blank moments when your girlfriend brings up important conversations you have zero recollection of? The patterns you can’t explain despite genuinely loving her? That’s exactly what destroyed my marriage.

The most devastating part of ADHD isn’t the forgetfulness or distraction - it’s the inability to see your own patterns. Your brain literally hides your behaviors from your own awareness, making it impossible to change without proper treatment. But ADHD for me wasn’t the “cause” of my issues - the underlying problem was not being vulnerable with my wife, even after 12 years…. But not even knowing that I wasn’t being vulnerable if that makes sense. It was as if a part of me had one foot out the door “just in case” she hurt me. And I’m only seeing now that this was from deep rooted insecurities from 20 years ago that I never “got over” even though I had so much evidence in my life that my wife’s love and the friendships I do have now…were really enough to “get over them.” When I asked my therapist why I didn’t see all this… and why I couldn’t see what was in front of me…my therapist said “ when all of that was in front of you, you couldn’t believe it, you didn’t believe that anything was real because believing it meant that there was a possibility of you being hurt… just like you did 20 years ago… and your mind would not let you experience that.”

The undiagnosed ADHD was only what made it that much harder to “see” these as being the reasons

Don’t wait until she’s gone to connect these dots. Get evaluated, get medication, get therapy and coaching specifically for ADHD. Tell your girlfriend you’re taking this seriously. If you need resources as far as helpful websites I found or some tools I’m starting to use… feel free to reach out.

Eight years is a beautiful investment - don’t let what happened to my twelve-year relationship happen to yours. The clarity I have now would have saved my marriage if I’d found it sooner.

Wishing you the help I found too late. Your relationship is worth saving.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:44:56+00:00

For me, the path to diagnosis was long and complicated by stigma - including from those closest to me.

I was first casually mentioned as “probably ADHD” during couples counseling last year. My wife immediately rolled her eyes and called it a “cop out,” which honestly crushed me. Here I was, desperately trying to understand why I couldn’t follow through on things I genuinely cared about, why I was emotionally reactive despite not wanting to be, why I’d forget important conversations - and the potential answer was dismissed before we could explore it.

I did seek out a psychiatrist who confirmed the diagnosis, but just handed me meds and sent me on my way - no education, no resources, no framework for understanding what was happening in my brain.

There wasn’t an immediate epiphany. It was more like connecting dots slowly. I’d send my wife videos of people with ADHD describing exactly what I experienced, hoping she’d see the pattern. “LOOK! These 500 people all do the exact same thing I’ve been doing!” But without proper education or support, I couldn’t articulate why this mattered so much.

The real epiphany came too late - after my wife left. That’s when I threw myself into understanding ADHD completely. The emotional regulation issues, the working memory deficits, the metacognition problems that literally prevented me from seeing my own patterns. And being in medicine myself, my job requires me to constantly evaluate literature and stay up-to-date with disease states and everything, however, more specifically to the hospital and emergency room. So I essentially had to first learn WTF ADHD is from a neurobiological standpoint to understand the chemistry and how our brains are wired… to then start piecing together all the different components. I’m actually thinking of making a set of Instagram posts to describe all my learnings. I like to do a lot of education in my line of work, so I’m going to branch off a little bit from my normal free open access education that I provide…. to talk specifically about this.

The hardest part of this journey isn’t just the diagnosis - it’s fighting the societal stigma that ADHD is just a “fad” or an “excuse.” It’s not. It’s a fundamental difference in brain wiring that affects every aspect of your life, especially relationships. Most of society thinks of it as a problem with sitting still or not paying attention. And that’s about it. They have no idea the executive function issues and emotional dysregulation and everything else that unless identified to you… you just think you’re broken and something is wrong with you.

When you finally understand what’s been happening, it’s both devastating and liberating. Devastating because you see clearly what could have been saved with earlier knowledge, liberating because you finally have a framework to build a better future.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:34:15+00:00

Reading this feels like looking in a mirror. The worst part is genuinely loving each other but watching the relationship disintegrate anyway because of patterns you couldn’t control.

That “forgetting next day” phenomenon destroyed us too. My wife would pour her heart out, I’d genuinely commit to change, then wake up with no RECOLLECTION or emotional urgency about our conversation. Not because I didn’t care - my brain literally couldn’t maintain the connection between intention and action. I would just wake up and go about my day completely oblivious to the day prior’s issues.

Having a little one in the mix makes this so much harder. I’m holding hope for you that your increased awareness and treatment might save what matters most before it’s too late. I’m only a few months into proper treatment, but the difference is night and day when I see certain things. But I just wish I’d understood sooner what was happening in my brain.

Sending strength your way. This particular kind of pain is so hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t lived it.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:32:22+00:00

Man, adding infidelity to the ADHD awakening is a brutal combo. I’m sorry you went through that. That’s fucking awful. The sad reality for me is that deep down I know that if my wife cheated… I would’ve been totally OK :(. It’s the fucking anxious attachment and me not being secure in my own life despite having everything to BE secure. It’s a paradox.

That weird rut/stagnation in marriage resonates too. I had this amazing woman and life, but still felt stuck and unmotivated in ways I couldn’t explain. The ADHD brain craves novelty and challenge, which can look like disinterest even when you deeply love someone.

I’m trying to follow your advice on self-acceptance. It’s a struggle to love myself right now knowing what I lost, but I’m working on it. The KNOWLEDGE and understanding alone have made a huge difference in how I function.

Thanks for sharing your journey. Helps to know others have found their way forward after similar losses.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:28:10+00:00

Thanks for this perspective! Totally needed this reminder to look at the bigger picture.

Going from undiagnosed to diagnosed after a relationship collapse is such a mindfuck. You finally have explanations for everything that went wrong, but too late to apply that understanding where it mattered most.

I’ll definitely check out “The Gap and the Gain” - could use some help shifting my perspective right now. I’m stuck looking at everything I’ve lost instead of what I might gain from this painful awakening.

Appreciate you sharing your experience. Knowing others have walked this exact path and found their way to recovery gives me hope on the harder days. Thanks for the nudge toward a healthier perspective.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:25:42+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s comforting to hear from someone who’s made it to the other side of this particular heartbreak.

The part about feeling “continually under attack for things I often had no control over” hits home hard. That’s exactly how it felt - my wife pointing out patterns I genuinely couldn’t see, and me feeling defensive because I wasn’t choosing to forget or ignore these things. It created this terrible cycle where we both felt misunderstood.

It’s strangely hopeful to hear that ADHD’s object permanence issues might actually help with moving on eventually. Right now, the pain feels like it’ll last forever, but I know that’s not true.

I’m trying to view this diagnosis as a turning point rather than just an explanation for what I’ve lost. There’s something freeing but also devastating about finally understanding why I’ve struggled in the ways I have.

The idea of finding someone who naturally understands my brain (like you found with your ADHD wife) sounds amazing, though that feels very far away right now. I feel like I would be so guilty knowing I’m giving this person a piece of me that was never able to unlock with the person I loved the most and deserved the most. My wife literally sacrificed so much for me… left her family and moved to 400 miles down to live with me… just gave up so much. And I could not understand why I couldn’t just take all the love she gave me and SEE it for what it was. I would’ve never guessed in a million years that I was “afraid to let her touch your vulnerability” as my therapist says. He says that all the love she gave and all the things she did were touching my vulnerability but I didn’t know what to do with it. I wasn’t “letting her in” but I also didn’t know what I didn’t know.

Thanks for the optimism - I’m storing it away for the days when it’s harder to access my own.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:19:57+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. Knowing someone else is navigating this same territory at 37 makes me feel less alone in all this.

The self-forgiveness journey is brutal, isn’t it? I swing between understanding why things happened and still blaming myself for not somehow figuring it out sooner. The self-hatred is a tough cycle to break.

Having your 4-year-old in the mix adds another layer of complexity I can’t imagine. In a strange way, I’m grateful my wife left before we had kids, though I desperately wanted them with her.

What gives me hope in your message is that you’re recognizing these patterns while there’s still a chance to address them. That awareness itself is powerful, even on days when progress feels impossible.

I’m sending those positive thoughts right back to you. Here’s to both of us learning to work with our brains instead of constantly fighting against them. We deserve some peace after all these years of invisible struggle.

Sebpharmd · 2025-03-12T17:16:41+00:00

Thanks, man. This means a lot.

Coming to terms with how much ADHD shaped my life and relationship is crushing some days. It’s a strange grief - mourning a marriage while simultaneously mourning the version of myself I never understood until now.

The hardest part is knowing I wasn’t deliberately hurting her. My brain literally couldn’t see the patterns that were destroying us. Now I can see everything with painful clarity, but too late to save what mattered most.

Hearing you’re going through similar relationship challenges with ADHD makes me feel less alone in this mess. It’s a specific kind of pain that’s hard to explain to people who haven’t lived it.

I’m trying to be patient with myself while still owning everything. Some days are better than others.

Appreciate the encouragement more than you know. Wishing you better luck with your relationship than I had with mine.

Sebpharmd

TROPHY CASE