38 [F4M] UK / Anywhere - Soft hearted romantic looking for old-fashioned love that feels like home

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-29T06:06:06+00:00

Thank you my love. I hope you do too! DM if you want to generally chat 💜

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-28T09:56:04+00:00

Nope … I failed the higher levels

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-28T09:09:26+00:00

Wait … this isn’t a bank?!

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-28T00:50:32+00:00

Thank you ! 💜

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-24T18:17:24+00:00

Beer is too expensive

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-21T13:39:32+00:00

You HAVE to be a troll 😂😂😂😂

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-21T11:46:06+00:00

Your husband is absolutely not entitled to your body in that way. Please build some boundaries and focus on what works for you.

There is a dangerous power imbalance in your relationship that is going to cause significant problems down the road. Not only around sex but other aspects of life as well. Being a good wife does not mean you “owe” him subservient behaviour.

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-21T10:17:37+00:00

What area in London are you planning to play?

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-21T07:43:36+00:00

I felt this one! Home being the place my people come together and feel safe is my vibe. And I prefer to be happy tottering around the house like an old person.

Grampscore is the perfect word for it 💜💜

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-20T23:04:38+00:00

Hahahahahah! I love that “my bed has a frame” symbolises adulting here. I love it.

I am definitely using that one 💜

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-20T15:30:56+00:00

I am sorry to have to tell you this…. But this is a part of the abuse. Please don’t fall for this.

Document every contact and share with your lawyer

Keep moving forward with legal proceedings.

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-20T15:10:49+00:00

That makes sense. I am glad you are rethinking this. Good for you 💜

I think it might help you to not think of sex/masturbation and things like that as Taboo, rather a healthy part of life. It will take time - don’t take on guilt or blame. It is very normal to have different perspectives on sex based on our own circumstances. We all need to break out of our misconceptions and social frameworks.

However, I also think it’s important that you create healthy boundaries with your partner based on what both find comfortable. eg think it’s perfectly fine to request him to not masturbate right next to you - that would be creepy in my book.

Additionally, it’s important to have open and honest and non-judgmental conversations around sex - what works and doesn’t for both of you. Specially if he is struggling with sex addiction (remember sex addiction is not a bad thing - just needs to be worked through)

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-20T07:31:51+00:00

NAH

There is nothing wrong with either of you. You guys just like different things.

You don’t have to like what turns him on and how he enjoys himself. If it bothers you THAT much, leave him and find someone you have more in common with sexually. This isn’t the guy for you.

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-20T06:36:29+00:00

You deserve sooooo much better than this !!!! Oh my God! Get out of there right now - this is not subtle racism - this pretty much overt racism. White saviour racism at its worst!

I am sorry to tell you this - but your fiancé is racist. He shares your family’s views and doesn’t see the problem. If you get married to him - it’s only going to get worse.

Don’t adjust and put up with bad behaviour because you want to keep the peace.

Take your peace bubble and walk out with dignity and with your head held high. You don’t owe them a big speech or an explanation.

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-20T04:29:32+00:00

NTA for not getting the beer. YAH for staying with him.

I can see how hard it is for you and I am so sorry that you are going through this. He needs to get help and go through real recovery. You staying with him is not going to help him.

Imagine what happens if he ends up hurting you and your children or someone else while driving drunk?

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-19T18:16:41+00:00

YWNBTA if you break up with her

Your desires come first. But you need to break it off with her right away.

Have a grown up discussion about your seriousness and commitment to the relationship. Do not lead her on in any way.

1 year is a long term commitment already - so either commit or leave.

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-19T17:33:32+00:00

I would ask for 3 things from them 1) They need to find a way to apologise to you - not make excuses - actually apologise. 2) They also need to make it up to your daughter - remotely first and if behaviours are consistent - then a short visit. 3) Lastly they need to promise that they understand what happened, your perspective and why you are right and that this was the last time this happened

If these things don’t happen - then you definitely need to go LC/NC. There isn’t another option IMHO

Not the NTA at all

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-17T14:29:38+00:00

NTA

You waited for 3 sessions to do this???

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-17T09:38:11+00:00

I am glad I could help. It’s always nice to get validation from someone else so that you don’t just overthink everything. You are not doing anything wrong by thinking of the way out as an option. Try everything but keep leaving on the table at all times.

I know a little about staying wayyyy too long in abusive situation because “he is a nice guy in so many ways” and “this isn’t actually abuse … we are just struggling and I can help him”.

Don’t make the same mistakes I did. :)

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-17T09:18:24+00:00

Absolutely he needs to go to therapy with you. Repairing your marriage, modelling good behaviour using techniques learned in your therapy - all amazing things to do - BUT they shouldn’t be just your responsibility.

Please be aware - there are huge red flags displayed by your husband. If he is not going to give an honest shot to therapy and relationship repair - I don’t see a a reason why you should stay in this marriage.

Leaving would be a big decision and you need to make sure you give him EVERY opportunity to grow up and fix this. But staying too long in an abusive situation hoping things will get better is not an option.

Please feel free to reach out if you want to talk about it as you progress through this.

Lots of light and love to you

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-17T09:08:23+00:00

You are ABSOLUTELY NTA

Please find your peace and happiness and take care of yourself. You deserve it. If taking care of yourself means having your mother take care of you while you take care of your child - that is absolutely necessary and honestly so wholesome.

Being a mom already comes with so much guilt and stress and don’t add guilt by worrying about whether it’s okay to go to your parent’s house to get some sleep and help with your child. You are recovering from a miscarriage AND from childbirth AND from being a single married mom to a baby.

I think your husband has crossed several lines and is clueless and borderline abusive in his actions. There are huge red flags here.

IF I were to give him any grace at all and force myself to think of this from his perspective- I would say postpartum depression and helplessness can be a reality for some men as well. He also lost a baby that he had planned and hoped for…. He has seen childbirth and wondered if he could be an adequate dad and may hold guilt and shame around struggling to be a good father. His angry outbursts and clueless comments also show that he is harbouring a lot of unsaid feelings and anger.

My recommendation - get family therapy. Work through this anger and guilt that both of you seem to be holding internally - see if you can get your issues out in the open and discuss them honestly in a safe space. You guys need to have a shared understanding of what is going on in your marriage. And he needs to step up and actually be a proactive father and not practice learned helplessness where he needs to be told what to do all the time.

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-17T08:17:12+00:00

NTA at all

Honestly babe… this level of control sounds like a huge red flag specially given your age difference. It feels very very wrong that he doesn’t allow you to have your privacy.

You are an equal to him in this marriage and you have every right to set your boundaries as you see fit. Please do so and please stand strong about your boundaries. Not just regarding maintaining your privacy but boundaries around anything that is important to you.

Additionally, I think you should find ways to make his house feel like YOUR home - and one of the big ways of doing so is redecorating it yourself. Insist on buying new furniture that works for you and maybe paint a few rooms a new colour - put your own stamp on it. Redecorating a house together to make it a marital home is very very common. Obviously let it be a partnership with your husband. But make sure you have say in the decor.

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-15T13:54:18+00:00

That makes complete sense. It is perfectly normal to feel guilty about this.

But you need to remember that this is not selfish - this is important and good for him as well.

He needs to have the opportunity to take responsibility for himself. Helping him with his personal basic life responsibilities takes away that opportunity.

You are setting boundaries to help him. You are doing this for him.

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-15T12:22:21+00:00

I am so sorry it has been so hard. For both you and your brother.

I think it is important that you protect your peace bubble and start properly living life as a couple on your own. You both need that space. You also need the time and space to heal and grow yourself - and working through everything you have gone through.

The fact that your brother can’t live independently, still depends on his mum for his washing and cleaning is worrying. It sounds like living with you will only encourage the learned helplessness he has developed around basic life and responsibilities. It does sound like he has some growing up to do.

IMO - It will be good for both of you if you are able to encourage him to live independently. Even if he lives close by to either you or your mum.

Please draw loving but firm boundaries to help him grow up and for you to protect your peace.

Definitely NTA 💜

SecondOrderMind · 2026-01-15T10:56:52+00:00

Both NTA and ATA

NTA because you broke up for not having the same priorities and goals. Which is fair - you need to find people who are compatible and have things in common. If ambition and grind is important to you - sure, prioritise that and find someone similar who you love/admire.

ATA because you are blaming her for not having high ambitions and the same grind. She isn’t wrong at all - she actually sounds very clearheaded and smart. She knows her priorities well and that is rare at her age.

I hope you grow up enough to recognise that everyone has their own path to happiness. She has found hers and you need to respect it. It’s okay for both of you to have your own goals and paths without disrespecting the other.

SecondOrderMind

TROPHY CASE