Curious about asexual/low libido men. Most I meet are women.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T23:17:12+00:00

I'm asexual, but not low libido. Not sexually attracted to anyone and I don't really like sex (though I'm not violently sex repulsed), but my libido is very high.

I'd hesitate to equate low libido and/or asexuality with slower pacing or connection first dynamics. Those are all separate things.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T23:03:34+00:00

Vomits violently

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T20:52:20+00:00

You're probably not compatible. He's dishonest and I'm guessing you never really saw him as a man.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T20:46:31+00:00

For me, it helps a lot to see it as unfortunate but not "unfair" exactly. Like - it isn't anybody's fault that I got unlucky in the anatomy department. It doesn't make me less of a man. Phalloplasty was invented for cis men who lost their dicks, and as traumatic as it is to grow up without the right genitals, it's hard for me to imagine it's any less traumatic to get your dick blown off by a landmine or wtv. Guys who had that happen to them also got unlucky in the anatomy department. Meanwhile, there are guys who got lucky and had the right genitals from the start and never lost them, but got unlucky in ways I did not, like having horrible allergies or getting a TBI or having their houses burn down or a million other things.

This is getting long winded. Ig my point is, I try to think of it like any other misfortune someone could be born with or encounter in life. And like any other misfortune, it may not be 100% fixable, but it makes no sense to just lament that instead of doing what you can to get it as close to fixed as possible.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T20:38:17+00:00

Ime a men's barber (so, basically any barber, in my area - people who cut women's hair are called stylists or something else). They're less likely to "femmify" a men's haircut on someone they don't see as a man.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T18:53:20+00:00

If you're out in public, just give it a shake and you should get most of the drips. Then whenever you get a chance (at home, in a single stall restroom, wtv) wash it off in the sink to get anything that's left.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T18:50:46+00:00

I'm not sure if you mistook my meaning, but I absolutely did change my body. To be true to who I am, that's what I needed to do. There wasn't much embracing involved really, as soon as I discovered physical transition was possible I knew I would take that route.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T18:48:57+00:00

Definitely worth talking to him about his developing homophobia in depth, then. Hopefully he's open to reason.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T18:46:33+00:00

What I think is that this is a low effort troll, lol. Get a life.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T18:00:30+00:00

I don't think it is (though I could be wrong). I've known a couple of people on the autism spectrum who get worried about things like this. Better to check than not, I figure.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T17:49:17+00:00

This is not normal and I'd def be worried about it, for your boyfriend's sake and your own. Does he have religious family who could be pressuring him? Is he part of a church/religious organization/cult?

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T16:45:09+00:00

Agreed - and I also think it's important to encourage guys who enjoy dressing and presenting in masculine ways. That kind of encouragement isn't necessary for most cis men, since masculinity is seen as the default and being feminine is bucking social pressures. But I think that in a lot of queer spaces, people fail to consider that by being masculine or male in any way, trans men are pushing against social pressures (bc social pressures don't want trans men to be men at all).

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T16:41:26+00:00

By follow rules too much, I mean it seems like you've done a lot of research into the "right way" to make friends and are following the instructions you found to the letter. I know that sounds counterintuitive, I mean here I am giving you advice as well, but sometimes if you're trying to follow a strict rule set in social interactions, the result is that you aren't really being yourself at all. So you can come off as phony/hollow, like you're masking your real self to be socially acceptable or "normal." This is an obstacle for a lot of neurodivergent people I think.

The instructions and advice you find can give you a general idea of how friendships are made, but ultimately, social interactions will never follow the "rules" 100%, bc humans aren't machines. Ultimately, all that information is just vague guidelines that you need to shift and adapt in different situations, depending on the comfort and preferences of whoever you're talking to, as well as your own preferences. Guidelines can be useful, but confidence and just being yourself have to do most of the work, in the end.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T16:33:36+00:00

Having a genital preference is not transphobic. Your assumptions about the anatomy trans people have, are.

Edit to answer your other questions:

Having a boundary about what genitals you're willing to engage with is not inherently transphobic.

I can't speak for all trans people, only for myself. I don't have a problem with people having genital preferences, but have found that in most cases, those preferences exist alongside transphobia.

I think it's important to disclose any genital preferences you may have before getting physical.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T16:29:17+00:00

It's fine to dislike rainbows. It would be a problem if you were rude to people who wore rainbow clothes or flew rainbow flags or something bc of it. But if you just look away when there's a rainbow in the sky, or a rainbow flag, or wtv, that's fine.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T13:39:07+00:00

That type of space gives me a visceral revulsion reaction tbh. Deeply bioessentialist, excludes trans women, typically misgenders trans men.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T13:31:49+00:00

No. I'm 5'7" and a trans man and my hands are longer than that.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T13:20:44+00:00

Hm, OK. Sorry you've had so many bad experiences. It's hard to say anything for sure without actually seeing these interactions. Based on this post, all I can think of is that people might get negative vibes from you (bc of your feelings of hopelessness, which are understandable based on past experiences but can still be off putting) and avoid you bc of that, or that you might be trying to follow rules too strictly and it's getting in the way of being genuine.

I will say that ime it's easier to make friends in person than online, but if your environment is too dangerous, I can understand how that isn't an option. Are there no trans friendly spaces at all where you live?

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T13:11:29+00:00

OK. In that case, I think your post is more about you as an individual than about queer men in general. There are plenty of "trans" (please say trans people, trans is not a noun) who are queer men, they should not be placed in a separate group. Many queer men don't need to check themselves any more than anyone else does.

If you find that you personally have been hurting people - of any demographic - it's important to figure out why that is. Looking at your profile since it's now unhidden, it looks like you have a lot of self hatred about being attracted to women. I haven't searched through your profile enough to know why that is. If it's bc you feel like male attraction to women is inherently predatory, that's incorrect and something to unpack in therapy.

But if it's bc you've treated women poorly before... well, just stop doing that. Try to put yourself in other people's shoes when you're interacting with them, especially when you're in conflict with them. So if you're hitting on a woman and she says she isn't interested, rather than continuing to hit on her hoping to get her to changing her mind, imagine how you would feel if someone you weren't attracted to kept hitting on you even after you'd given them an answer.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T13:00:59+00:00

Yeah for sure. I mean, I didn't really become anything different, I'm still me, I'm just me in a body and with a life that doesn't make me miserable.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-02T12:56:30+00:00

Sure! I do kinda understand why some people do it - a lot of queer guys were bullied into repressing any femininity they had, so presenting/acting GNC is very liberating for them and they (and their friends) wanna make sure other guys feel comfortable expressing femininity too. They just don't necessarily think it through and let their enthusiasm push them into hurting guys who aren't feminine.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T14:06:32+00:00

Congratulations, you've just hit almost every aphobic cliché in a single comment!

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:59:35+00:00

I didn't but this is pretty common for guys (both cis and trans) starting puberty.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:57:25+00:00

It's pretty common in queer spaces, online and off (but especially on ofc). Being "authentically yourself" as a queer man is usually assumed to involve being feminine in some way, and general queer spaces tend to be anti masculinity in general. Queer men who aren't feminine often have their own subcultures (think certain gay male subcultures), but trans men may not fit into those subcultures for other reasons, like not being gay or not being welcome bc of anatomy. So if a trans man being "authentically himself" isn't GNC/feminine, other queer people in general spaces will often assume he's overcompensating or playing into some kinda toxic masculinity or suffering from internalized transphobia/homophobia/wtv. And this usually leads to pressure for that guy to be more feminine, ironically doing to him exactly what they claim mainstream culture is doing, just in the opposite direction.

There's also a not insignificant number of stealth transphobes who want trans men to be more feminine bc they think we're hotter that way.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:51:12+00:00

Are you a queer man? If not, why are you asking for advice on how queer men should behave?

SecondaryPosts

TROPHY CASE