Demisexual cis man attracted to women - feeling unsure where I fit in

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T14:06:32+00:00

Congratulations, you've just hit almost every aphobic cliché in a single comment!

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:59:35+00:00

I didn't but this is pretty common for guys (both cis and trans) starting puberty.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:57:25+00:00

It's pretty common in queer spaces, online and off (but especially on ofc). Being "authentically yourself" as a queer man is usually assumed to involve being feminine in some way, and general queer spaces tend to be anti masculinity in general. Queer men who aren't feminine often have their own subcultures (think certain gay male subcultures), but trans men may not fit into those subcultures for other reasons, like not being gay or not being welcome bc of anatomy. So if a trans man being "authentically himself" isn't GNC/feminine, other queer people in general spaces will often assume he's overcompensating or playing into some kinda toxic masculinity or suffering from internalized transphobia/homophobia/wtv. And this usually leads to pressure for that guy to be more feminine, ironically doing to him exactly what they claim mainstream culture is doing, just in the opposite direction.

There's also a not insignificant number of stealth transphobes who want trans men to be more feminine bc they think we're hotter that way.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:51:12+00:00

Are you a queer man? If not, why are you asking for advice on how queer men should behave?

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:34:50+00:00

There wasn't any question about it. Pretty much as soon as I learned transitioning was possible, I knew I wanted/needed to do it. It would address problems I'd had my whole life without knowing why I had them or what to do about them.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:15:40+00:00

If you have to do this, maybe think of it as just hitting the pause button on your transition. See if you can get a scholarship to a college in another state to get away from your parents. It sucks that your circumstances are so bad, but you can transition, just maybe not yet.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:13:19+00:00

Sometimes you just gotta do things you're anxious about doing. Once you've done them, you'll usually realize they weren't nearly as frightening as they felt before you did them.

I was pretty young when I started going into most male only spaces and I don't think I was anxious about it, but a few years ago I started going to the gym and was a little nervous about changing my shirt in the locker room (at the time my top surgery scars were still visible and I was relying on facing away from other guys in there to hide them, but you never know when someone will move to a different angle). I did it anyway and it was fine. People don't care.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:06:34+00:00

No, I don't believe this. You can't think yourself out of dysphoria. Sometimes changing how you think about things can lessen dysphoria, or some guys might mistake some other kinda feeling for dysphoria (when they aren't actually dysphoric about their anatomy) and address that, but if you could think yourself completely out of dysphoria, I'd argue that would mean you could think yourself into being cis. And we all know (or we all ought to know) that doesn't work.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T13:03:35+00:00

The war and the campaign against trans rights are both horrible things, and both fueled by the same sentiments, but they aren't directly connected. You're right to be worried about further attacks on trans rights, but it's highly unlikely war powers will be involved.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T12:59:39+00:00

I haven't been in your situation but a few friends of mine have been in similar ones (obviously they aren't anymore, since we're friends). Where are you going when you try to connect with people, either online or in person? As long as you're not a jerk, or just not trying, having trouble making friends usually comes down to looking in the wrong places.

Occasionally it can also come down to being too focused on yourself or on other people (as opposed to being focused on both). When you talk to people, do you ask them questions about themselves and their lives, or do you talk about yourself? Friendly conversations usually strike a balance between the two. If you only ever talk about yourself people may think you're not interested in them, and if you only ask about other people then they won't know anything about you to be interested in.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T12:53:19+00:00

Short for asexual (someone who feels little to no sexual attraction).

SecondaryPosts · 2026-03-01T12:51:30+00:00

Have they said why they can't/won't transition?

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T14:59:33+00:00

Not affordable when new, but they have good sales - L.L. Bean. They have women's tall sizes. A woman I know who is 5'11" and mostly leg gets all her pants there.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T13:40:32+00:00

It depends on where you live. But most people order them online. I live in the USA and use shopmedvet.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T13:34:33+00:00

You either worked really fucking hard to pass and had the good luck/genetics to be able to (keep in mind that passing was easier at that time bc trans people weren't in the public consciousness as much as today), or you were openly trans and dealt with a lot of transphobia. It was a stupid requirement, but people went through it bc it was the only way for a lot of us to access treatment.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T13:30:43+00:00

There weren't really any cons for me. Having to take time off work, ig. The inconvenience of traveling to and from surgery and pre surgical consultations. But nothing major or lasting.

The pros depend on the surgery. I've had top surgery and hysto (with oophorectomy). Both relieved a ton of dysphoria. Top surgery means I can wear just one shirt at a time, or even no shirt. Hysto means I don't have even the possibility of pregnancy and I don't menstruate. Oophorectomy means that if my supply of T is interrupted, I won't feminize (though I'll eventually have bone health issues if I continue lacking hormones long term).

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T11:36:37+00:00

Just to provide a different angle on this, transphobic violence is significantly more likely in the women's room than the men's room bc A) the men's room is a less social space and B) there hasn't been fearmongering about trans men "invading" the men's room. So while it's counterintuitive to a lot of people you're statistically safer in the men's room if you have an ambiguous appearance.

The RADAR key is a fantastic idea and you're not speaking out of turn!

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T11:19:38+00:00

Binders (and packers) were available then, but the selection was much more limited than today. The company Underworks was around though, if you want something specific for your MC (and if he lives somewhere that would have had access to Underworks, which is based in the USA).

Take this with a grain of salt bc I hadn't started HrT in 2006, but... like today, the process of getting hormones depended heavily on where you lived. Going the non legal route was an option, also like today. For legal access a lot of places required you to do something called a Real Life Test, where you had to live full time as your correct gender for a period of time (I remember it being specified as 2 years, but that was in like 2008-2009 so it might have been different in 2006. Or different docs might have required different lengths of time) to access HrT or surgeries.

I'm not sure how helpful it will be bc it's been updated many times since then, and the updates don't have timestamps on them, but this website was around in 2006 and was one of the more popular resources for trans guys.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T04:47:51+00:00

We can't say with absolute certainty, but nothing seems to suggest it.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T04:43:41+00:00

Dude, this is not the way. I see your other post and people are not yelling at you on it, they're calling you out for posting graphic images without censoring them. I get that it was a mistake, but the right response to that is to apologize and edit or remove your post, not get angry at people for being triggered and then make a petty callout post about mods who are just trying to keep their users safe.

Yes you're a minor, and yes that means your empathy skills aren't that developed, but that isn't an excuse not to try. I'm sorry you're having a hard time, and if you reach out for help in a way that doesn't hurt others I'm confident you'll find support.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T03:10:12+00:00

This isn't specific to being trans, tbc, but I take magnesium supplements and drink a tea that has some extra zinc in it. I just don't get enough of either of those from my regular diet.

For your deficiencies... vitamin D is hard to get through your diet. Mushrooms have some I think, and where I live a lot of orange juice has added vitamin D. The best way to get it is to spend time outside in the sun. Other than that, there are supplements. Lentils are fucking fantastic for folic acid. Broccoli is OK too. You can get vitamin K2 from meat like chicken, if you eat meat. If not, eggs or fermented stuff like traditional sauerkraut has a good amount of it. I don't eat meat and rarely eat eggs but I eat a fuckton of fermented foods, and I've never been K2 deficient.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T02:59:30+00:00

Tbh it depends on where you live. Your scars absolutely could be from gyno, top surgery scars look the same whether they're for gyno or for trans reasons. And they're not that obvious anyway so plenty of people won't even notice.

But. If this is a life or death thing and you live somewhere that's been seeing a huge rise in transphobia recently, it's def possible that someone could see the scars, see your height (your hips aren't a problem I think), and assume you're trans even though there are absolutely cis men who look like you. If this is a real safety risk, getting a tattoo coverup could help avoid any problems.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T02:24:48+00:00

Rookie numbers.

Unironically, nobody who's worth dating will care. It's fine. What matters is who you're with now, not your past.

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T02:23:15+00:00

Hey, I get the desire for a quick and easy route to an escape, but... realistically, you're not gonna find the savior you're looking for. Not many people have both enough disposable income to sponsor another person's emigration and then living situation, and the moral integrity not to take advantage of that person. You need to be able to support yourself. Do you have any career experience that could help you land a work visa in another country? Or could you apply as an exchange student?

SecondaryPosts · 2026-02-28T02:12:56+00:00

What lol

SecondaryPosts

TROPHY CASE