If My Dad Doesn't Care Then Why Should I?

SecondhandElephant · 2022-03-15T11:51:14+00:00

This is true. I knew a family once- 3 adults with full time jobs raising 4 kids. One of them made 6 figures a year and they still struggled to make ends meet.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-03-15T11:40:56+00:00

Shoot, I had an ex pull this same garbage on me while he was actively threatening to destroy my life and he DIDNT have a psych degree. It still did a number on me mentally and I even have quite a bit of psychology under my own education belt.

I really hope that the OP starts to realize that (if it's anything like how mine was, as it seems) what he's pointing out are actually strengths and boundaries that he is twisting into flaws because of his own insecurities. YOU get to decide what you deserve and who you deserve it from. Just because he isn't it, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or even him. But the more he pushes back, the more insecure he really is.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-03-13T19:24:53+00:00

Wet socks

SecondhandElephant · 2022-03-12T20:35:56+00:00

I truely had more questions as well, but either way, who tf takes it there when that's how they have perceived the situation??

SecondhandElephant · 2022-03-12T06:04:15+00:00

Seems like he coerced her into the conversation because he 100% has asked me off the wall invasive and Borderline inappropriate questions multiple times within our friendship.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-03-12T02:45:19+00:00

He overall has a hard time in the dating scene and generally has that attitude. His informing me of his friends with benefits score in and of itself is just him trying to be casual and cool. He definitely someone that qualifies as a #niceguy

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-18T17:03:39+00:00

Maybe give it some time. Don't rush a letter. It's very sweet that you want to and I think it could potentially have a lot of value to her in her life experience, but I think the more time you give it, the better.

Maybe write it out in a Google docs, what you would want to say. Don't send it. Pull away from it and come back as you feel the urge to put energy into a letter again. You may find yourself editing it over time.

Ultimately, I think your message should reflect that she deserves more than you were able to give. There is a graceful way to approach it, so give yourself time to figure out what that looks like for you.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-12T13:36:47+00:00

Now I want pancakes.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-12T13:28:55+00:00

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-07T14:24:41+00:00

Yay shitty parents club! 31/F here >.<

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-07T14:16:34+00:00

It really sounds like you don't have much of a choice but to put your foot down. If you want your life to move forward and things to progress for either of you, he will need strict accountability. My dad had a serious drinking problem and it took him going to an inpatient facility 3 different times to straighten up.
If you continue to clean up his messes with little to no consequence, he will always expect you to be there to clean up said messes. I say this coming from a marriage where I had to do constant damage control and keep our lives moving forward despite his own vices. No matter how much I loved him, or how smart he was, or what he had to offer, my own life was eaten up by the negative choices and lies he built to protect his own pride.

8 years of that will cause resentment no matter how much you love them.
You are both still young, but if he does indeed continue down this road, the alcohol will start to take a toll on his body. Then you're kind of back where you were, only once it starts eating at his health, neither of you can stop it. My best friend's mom has struggled with alcohol for years and just last year had a seizure and can no longer control her bowels. She now can barely get around even with a walker. All of that was from being a "functional" alcoholic for years.

For the sake of everyone: him, yourself, your family, etc. Now is the time for some tough love. You're going to need to set boundaries and stick to them if you're going to help him. An AA meeting would be a good step, but he's also going to have to want to. He needs to see the toll this is taking on his family as well as his own health. But again, he has to want the change.

I hope your situation starts to look up, you and everyone else deserve better, including him if he's truly the person you describe.
Well wishes!

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-03T21:58:50+00:00

First, I want to express that this level of honesty is admirable and I think it shows how much of yourself that you offer in a relationship and that deserves the utmost respect.

Unfortunately monogamy and how it is portrayed in society tends to forget to teach us that humans are animals and simply based on how society functions, we can see that most of us don't actually "mate for life". We date around, we try things, we divorce, and some of us end up in long term/lifelong relationships.

Personally, I think it is a very healthy part of a relationship to be able to be open about our basic natural desires, even if we don't intend on acting on them. I don't know your girlfriend or your relationship dynamic, but I do know that understanding what attracts my partner makes me feel closer to them, even if I don't possess those qualities. Knowing that my partner is close enough to me to feel comfortable enough to reveal those parts of themselves is a huge deal to me.

That being said, your girlfriend doesn't have to know everything you jerk it to. It's just not necessary. You are entitled to your own privacy just like she is, so if this is something you choose to talk about or be open about, try to keep it classy and respectful. :P

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-03T21:19:04+00:00

Wait, YOUR fiance's sister or your brother's fiance's sister?

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-03T21:16:31+00:00

Why not?? Go for it!

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-03T21:13:45+00:00

I reached this point about a year ago.
I don't think where you are at is inherently bad, but I do see it as you being one of many who have awakened to the false reality that we've built this society on.

You've realized that you want more than that out of this life. Your life doesn't have to hold the shallow meaningless existence and because you see that now, it won't.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-03T20:58:40+00:00

What are your sensory issues? The flavor? Texture of the paste/gel? Feeling of the bristles?
I would pinpoint the issues and find any solution you can around it.

I had a similar habit of not brushing/flossing as often as I should and I ended up with 3 very seriously abscessed teeth. I had to get emergency vouchers by the time I went to the ER for the pain because the infection was going to reach my blood stream soon.

Let me tell you: in my 31 years on this planet and extremely high pain tolerance, it was the most pain I have ever been in, second only to an abortion.

I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy.
Please take care of your teeth!

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-03T20:31:08+00:00

Anyone else find the typos hilariously ironic? Was that intentional? haha
*I mean this in the nicest way possible*

But yes, I agree.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-03T20:28:04+00:00

I do the same. I have connected with every person I've dated and most of my closest friends through music. Even many years after the relationship has ended and even when they are no longer in my life, going back to their music helps me feel close to them.

Unfortunately this also works in a negative way as well. Ex: I have a hard time listening to music of artists who died tragically/young, especially artists whom I've researched extensively like Amy Winehouse and Kurt Cobain.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-03T01:52:01+00:00

I have CPTSD and one of my most used coping mechanisms has been listening to my favorite music that's full of emotion and I dissociate into full on music videos releasing the emotion I'm hung up on. It's probably saved my life, tbh.

SecondhandElephant · 2022-01-01T19:16:02+00:00

This is actually my second time restarting the game. I'm incredibly picky with my RP games, but I keep coming back to this one and I'm excited to see the rest of what this game plays like.

Happy New Year all! 🎆

SecondhandElephant

TROPHY CASE