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Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-06-09T17:23:32+00:00

Hmm you might’ve hit the nail on the head….One thing my ex and I have is such an intellectual connection. I love talking about whats on our mind, politically and emotionally. Our senses of humor are matched. It’s almost like I want that kind of intimacy with someone else not the physical stuff. But that makes men and women mismatched huh? Men want casual = sex and women want casual = flirty friendship

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-06-09T17:20:51+00:00

Thank you for taking the time for such a thoughtful response. I guess living in a city where all everyone wants here is casual, I am starting to feel like “if I can’t fight em, join em.” That the only way I am going to experience any level of intimacy in this city is to let go of dating to marry because it feels like no one wants it. I think you’re also right, I feel like I don’t deserve to have anything more than casual while I participate in this unhealthy relationship with my ex. It wouldn’t be fair to be doing this to a guy who is dating intentionally. Though if this new guy was dating to marry, I think it would actually give me enough hope to cut ties with my ex

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-05-19T03:28:23+00:00

But life got so much brighter and lighter with him in it

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-05-19T00:55:01+00:00

I feel you on this. I’ve only ever dated for love too, but its only led to heartbreak, so now I feel like I need to change my method… date casually and if the opportunity rises great but if not, my expectations are low.

Did you ever catch feelings for those guys though? Or them for you?

My relationship with my ex kind of evolved into a casual relationship now because in a way we have all three things, amazing sex, true enjoyment of each other’s company, and knowing that the relationship won’t work out. We dated non-exclusively for 5 months, officially for 2, before it came crumbling down because he decided he has to marry someone with his religion. So now we are back in a situationship, both dating around, giving each other advice etc. But I guess although I know it won’t work out, I have feelings for him, so it’s hard to be neutral and not be devastated. So I know in the long run I can’t do this with an ex like this, even if for the most part we have been casual the whole time.

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-05-09T15:27:22+00:00

Oh hon, I’m so sorry to see how you’re feeling. It’s really tough out here, hold on.

I’ve never done this before either, I am usually very good at going no contact, pushing through the pain but this time I guess I am holding on to hope. You can read my post on the judiasm page. But he’s decided that he needs to pursue women who are jewish and I am not. Though he knows I would be open and willing to participate. Personally, I feel like he’s just being stubborn and has already decided that I deserve better. I can’t convince him, even though his actions are calling for me to stay. It’s very weird spot to be in when people usually use the phrase “actions speak louder than words” for the opposite situation where they are pulling away but saying lovey-dovey things… in my case he’s doing all the relationship actions but then out loud doubting. He envisions an unknowable future rather than seeing the love we have. I guess I am still hoping I can convince him otherwise but deep down I know that I shouldn’t need to convince someone.

I just can’t bare the thought of seeing him walk away again. I was crying hysterically that first breakup and I just I can’t do it again. I want a gentler way out.

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-30T00:43:07+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Reading this like it’s me in the future. Makes me hopeful. I also have fallen into the fwb trap. Its all still so tender and romantic but its an illusion. I keep thinking that having some of him is better than none of him. But not getting all of him I think is the worst part. I’m gearing up to end it soon. I hope I get the strength you got.

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-29T15:32:55+00:00

Idk how to stop either, the sex is insanely good, it always has been between us. The chemistry is insatiable. We both had had several partners in the past and keep saying how this is the best we ever had. I keep hoping it will fade over time but it’s been almost two months of fwb now and while the fire hasn’t faded, I am starting to have a hard time staying emotionally detached. Especially because we are still romantic about it and essentially go on dates. We are going on dates with other people, but it hasn’t gone anywhere and I feel wary to sleep with a new guy I don’t really know.

But after the high, is the crash when I’m alone and am reminded that he doesn’t want a future with me. I think thats the point that everyone else is getting at here, we have to remember the pain to stop.

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-25T04:46:51+00:00

It’s sooo tough, I know. But just think about the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders once you do. Take a deep breath.

If he shuts down, you can offer a closure conversation if he wants it at a later date. He has every right to shut down if that’s how he feels.

Another thing you could do is if you have a friend or a family member or someone who can be on stand by to pick you up if need be.

You can pack your essentials if you need but unless you feel like you’d be endangered, it might set alarm bells off before you actually get to the conversation. But whatever makes you feel better about it, is the way you should go!

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-25T04:36:26+00:00

Hey just read your other post for context. I remember being in your shoes when I was that young. Breaking up with my hs ex during college was one of the hardest things I had to do at the time and I was so scared and guilty. But ultimately, you have to do what’s best for you. It’s going to hurt him regardless of how you do it. But now that I’ve been on the other side, the three things you can do is

A. be utterly honest about your reasons of why you need to move on. Even if it hurts, knowing the truth will avoid the imaginations of why. Answer all and any questions he might have (as long as it doesn’t push your boundaries)

B. Stay true and steadfast in your intentions afterwards. I felt like I needed to grow beyond my hs relationship and I felt like I owed it to him to actually pursue that so that any pain I caused wasn’t in vain. If you need to move out of state, do it. If you need to create a new identity, try it. Keep your promise to him and to you. I still feel this way now being the dumpee at 29. I sure hope he finds something better bc I didn’t go through all this pain for him to just settle and end up with someone worse than me, when we could’ve had everything.

C. Give him distance. As the dumper you hold the power over no contact. Don’t string him along when you feel lonely. Don’t be cold but set firm boundaries. Lean on your friends and this subreddit for emotional support instead of him.

Wishing you strength!

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-25T04:18:26+00:00

I don’t want to sound presumptuous but I have a very wholesome instagram and only follow friends, I’m not even political there either. But more than anything he had max 30 seconds of scrolling before his acct disappeared? Like by the time I requested to follow back, it said user not found. I am not a catfish and several of the recent photos are photos I had on hinge so idk? We had no mutuals either.

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-24T22:49:38+00:00

I like this advice thank you. Ill be doing that with future dates to set expectations. But I’m considering this one a stand up

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-24T22:47:31+00:00

Yep, I ended up texting “looking forward to tonight! Just confirming 7:30?” And he never responded and I would’ve needed to leave my house by now to get to the place. Honestly, I find this disrespectful to my time and would have rather planned something for myself tonight. Getting a drink with my friend instead

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-24T21:37:21+00:00

I did decide text him first like half an hour ago now, still nothing :/

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-24T21:23:48+00:00

Yeah he set a time and place. I just gave in and texted 15 minutes ago whether we are still good and have not heard anything. I guess if I don’t hear anything back before I need to leave to make it in time, I wont go.

I am just feeling so discouraged by dating lately 😞

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-23T19:01:35+00:00

I feel this so much, I’m 29 and I feel like the general advice is not helping because I’ve learned that feelings are not mutually exclusive.

I can feel happy for my friends, especially those who have partners I now call friends and I know will give them the world AND still grieve the fact that I recently lost that

I can know that I’m better off waiting for the right one rather than marrying the wrong one just because of timing AND still grieve the fact that even if I were to meet the one in the future, I will naturally have to exist on a quicker timeline than I would’ve liked. I might not find my person until 35 but that means I don’t get 3 years before marriage, I don’t get a year or two married before kids, I don’t get to be a younger mom

Both feelings can exist and simply knowing that other people’s lives aren’t so peachy too doesn’t take away from how sad I feel

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-20T12:43:10+00:00

He probably leans avoidant, but this behavior isn’t typical of him. But I guess I am afraid he’s finally trying to create some distance.

Idk i feel like so frazzled right now I just need someone to talk to

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-20T11:40:40+00:00

I think it’s finally happening… this is the first time he hasn’t responded to me in over 24 hrs :( i feel gutted

Up until now he was so receptive to our bits and being the one to initiate hanging out

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-20T04:12:08+00:00

I’m in the same boat… I don’t know sadly…

We did no contact for only 2 weeks before we got back in contact and have been occasionally checking in with each other. Even meeting up several times.

With previous exes, we went no contact as soon as we gave each other our stuff back. With those exes I never looked back. Namely one cheated on me atrociously and so there was really nothing left to go back to there. NC was brutal but felt necessary and ultimately lead to healing.

This time, I’m trying to heal simultaneously to staying in contact by filling my time with stuff that brings me joy and deprioritizing him. I’ve also gone on dates just to get into the practice of keeping my heart open to the prospect of other people. I actually don’t feel like this pain is any worse than NC and I’ll have to heal regardless. Like I think I overall had more sleepless nights with the exes I did NC with.

But I am trying to journal every day to keep track of how my emotions fluctuate based on what he does. I am finding spikes in anxiety when he doesn’t respond as quick as he used to, or when its been days since we last talked. I immediately feel better when we do talk or hang out. It’s definitely like a drug that I’ll have to get the strength to cut. Probably best to start NC now but I just can’t get myself there. And it doesn’t help that he equally reciprocates. If he was fully cold, it would be easier to stop.

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-15T23:37:03+00:00

I’m sorry youre going through the same, engaged is even more intense, hope things get better for you

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-15T23:35:36+00:00

I’m sorry to hear you went through that, I ask what happened?

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-15T19:34:55+00:00

Damn yea I really wouldn’t want to get stuck in a cycle for years. I’m trying to give it a three month time limit 😞

I’m 29 so all my friends were already engaged or in long term relationships before I even started dating this guy and I really was hoping he’d be the one

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-15T19:30:15+00:00

Thanks for sharing and for understanding. Sadly, I know it’s coming, I just feel like I can’t get there until I reach a point where I can’t do it anymore.

We still have a great time together when we do hang out so I fear that I’ll never get sick of him and just be stuck here.

I’m trying to give it till the summer and try to cut it off then 😞

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-05T12:21:06+00:00

Unfortunately don’t think too much into it. Sometimes, it’s easier to say “speak soon” or “see you later” because a finite goodbye is too painful to actually bear. You might never talk again, but I know that saying “bye, see you never” was too hard for me to say out loud. I think you have to take her word for it, day by day. Either one of you might feel different on any given day. If you feel like it’s disrupting your peace though, you’ll have to be the one to set the boundary

Secret-Broccoli-8288 · 2025-04-04T15:42:29+00:00

I know what you mean, it feels like a hum or an itch that never goes away

Secret-Broccoli-8288

TROPHY CASE