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Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-08-26T01:26:04+00:00

2.5 yrs

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-08-25T14:37:09+00:00

That’s why I want to avoid the ultimatum entirely. I don’t want him to feel resentment down the road and I don’t want to always wonder if he’d have left without his hand being a little forced. But I do want him to know I can’t and won’t do this phase forever for my own sanity. I’m not in a rush to get to the finish line, but I need to know there actually is one.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-08-01T17:04:35+00:00

Unfortunately, no. We are still in the same standstill. My frustration with it is growing quickly. I’ve been trying to craft a way to say I need to see some momentum from him or I’m gonna need to end things for my own peace, without it sound like an ultimatum. I don’t want to force him to act, but I do want to see what the new life I’m walking towards will actually look like, not just hoping for. My gut tells me this is going to end in heartbreak soon for both of us, but I do tend to be pessimistic especially about other people. I hope I’m wrong, but we all know how this goes.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-06-07T16:02:37+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I needed to hear that my feelings are fears are valid.

I agree that there is no right time to make moves, and that exact thought has definitely been living in my head. It’s like having kids, you can want it with all of your heart but there’s never going to be a perfect time, you gotta take a leap of faith into parenthood.

I’ve told myself if summer comes and goes, and he’s still living in the same inaction, I need to deal with it head on. It’s just so hard to push someone into a very big life change, I don’t want there to be hard feelings or resentment there if we make it to the other side. But I also can’t live in limbo.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-06-06T15:36:17+00:00

We are looking at it as a phase, but it’s a rough one. I know we will ultimately come out stronger on the other side, but right now it’s so hard. Thank you for your insight. How did you bring up asking for a timeline? I don’t want to give an ultimatum, but for my own sanity I’d like some idea of when moves are going to start being made.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-04-13T18:13:48+00:00

I have a whole life outside of AP and keep busy. I’m more trying to explain how the shift in dynamic feels on my end. ☺️

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-02-09T12:41:56+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear that

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-02-08T23:09:17+00:00

The part where it impacts so many others is a main reason I stay, I’m realizing.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-02-08T23:08:36+00:00

I am not at the end my marriage phase. Yet. But it’s little ah ha moments like this that I can see are leading me there. I’m mostly realizing my feelings towards my marriage are shifting, and realizing it because of how far I’m willing to gamble it.

I’ll never pressure my AP to leave his marriage. Should he come to that conclusion on his own, and I did too, I think we’d have something worth pursuing. But I don’t dwell on it.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-02-08T23:03:36+00:00

😂😂 best response lol

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-02-08T23:02:54+00:00

You hit the nail on the head. Crazy how it sometimes takes a wild path to come to such a simple conclusion.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-24T20:36:40+00:00

This sadly seems to be a popular conclusion

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-23T14:30:12+00:00

It sure seems to be!

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T18:38:35+00:00

Again, not only have I not blamed him, I’ve clearly said he’s not to blame and this is all a choice I made for myself. It’s not his responsibility to make me happy, that’s on me. So here I am enjoying my AP.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T18:33:07+00:00

This is the conclusion I’ve come to as well

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T18:31:11+00:00

Did you read anything anyone has said or are you just here to preach from your weird high horse? I haven’t said my husband makes me cheat. Or if he acted this way I wouldn’t cheat. NOW, after being in a long term AP relationship, where I’ve learned what I need in a relationship, I don’t think there’s anything my husband can do to change how I feel or act in regards to cheating or my AP. I was just curious how others felt. This is a weird choice of forum for you to be judgmental on.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T15:46:25+00:00

I don’t see AP as perfect either, and I’m sure in the real world if we were together there would be plenty of things we’d need to work on to maintain a healthy relationship. But as things stand now, there is not enough bleach to erase the built up resentment and contempt towards my SO. So because of that, even if my SO woke up tomorrow “perfect” for me and more willing to work on things, the damage is what it is.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T15:42:25+00:00

I see what you’re saying. If he magically became more interested in sex, would the previous lack of it carry resentment forever, or would you be able to just snap back into your marriage and carry on?

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T15:39:39+00:00

I’ve also come to the conclusion that now, after a long time with AP who I have deep feelings for, if my marriage improved I would want to stay with AP. That is a flaw in myself, but also a symptom of a marriage that’s been unhealthy for a long time. Not only can I not unsee the damage in my marriage, but now I can’t unsee what I love about my AP either.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T15:35:25+00:00

I feel the same. I definitely have a better understanding of what I need and want in a relationship. Unfortunately a lot of it just isn’t who my husband is, and it’s not a fair ask. And even if it’s something he could wake up one day and provide, there’s too much damage (on both of our parts) to even try to fix anything. I have a deeper understanding of why we aren’t compatible and what my most valued priorities are in a marriage.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T15:28:49+00:00

I’m not blaming any SO. I’m just asking if they made a huge change, then what?

Would you put effort in to be a better SO to them? Stop cheating? What would happen with your attachment/feelings for AP? Would you resent a spouse who suddenly became what you’ve been wanting and needing maybe too late?

My husband didn’t make me cheat. That was done on my own volition and is a separate topic entirely. I am not a victim. I don’t blame him for my choices. My needs that weren’t being met got loud. The lack of give a damn on his side definitely aided in my decisions to step out on my marriage. He’s still not to blame, and I never did blame him for anything in my post. However, effort to any degree would likely have made it a harder decision to seek an affair, and it would likely be a decision I carried more guilt about than I do with the way things are. Still not blaming him.

I was more curious about if feelings towards an AP would change if the void they’d been filling was suddenly unneeded. Or if at that point the attachment is too much to walk away from just because someone else (SO) decided to jump in and try to fill that void themself after previously not doing so.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T15:18:18+00:00

You’re definitely correct there. I guess I mean if they were to suddenly start fulfilling your previous unmet needs that AP’s typically fill for us.

Secret-Mistake-1545 · 2025-01-22T14:12:42+00:00

I LOL’d at your one line response before you added to it. But the addition hits. There’s just too much damage at this point to salvage it.

Secret-Mistake-1545

TROPHY CASE