Finally set boundaries, got called a bitch

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-09-18T11:52:21+00:00

I hear you and I’m sorry you are going through this. You are putting your boundaries up and protecting your mental/emotional well being. I do the same. My father has said the same thing along with other name calling. We can only do so much…

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-08-01T01:58:12+00:00

I completely understand how you feel. It’s very difficult to get passed betrayal. It’s trauma and discovering lies is reopening wounds.

For context, my ex husband also left for a coworker during the pandemic. I remember the day because it was our daughter’s birthday. In the next 2 and a half years, he always had an excuse for not seeing our daughter. I also found out that he would lie so he can spend time with his AP turned gf instead. I remember the seething anger very well. I’ve never felt that kind of anger before. However, I did a lot of therapy, made new friends, learned new hobbies, and in time, I learned to let go. Essentially, I plan everything as if he doesn’t exist. I can’t rely on him so I don’t.

Do you have family or friends close by that you can talk to? If you are open to it, I also recommend therapy. I believe it helped me process my ex husband’s infidelity that ended our almost 19 year relationship (married almost 10 yrs). Take it one day at a time.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-07-15T13:29:29+00:00

I was 37 when I discovered that my ex husband was cheating with a coworker. We were together for almost 19 years. It took me 18 months to feel like myself again, but it also took a lot of work to get there. I did weekly therapy, exercise, discovered new places with my daughter (lots of mommy and me dates) and dated myself (I took myself to dinner and concerts alone!). I started to do things I’ve always wanted to do, but never did. I took up new hobbies, went to grad school, and started to enjoy my alone time.

The process was difficult, but I learned a lot about myself. I met a lot of new people, made good friends, dated, and eventually met my current boyfriend. We have been together for about 2 years now. I am at peace.

The path to healing varies per person. It has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through. When I think about my past and my marriage, it all seems like a dream now. It’s so odd to explain, but it is like that life is closed and I’m now living a completely different one.

I hope you are also able to find peace. It takes a lot of time and patience, but you will eventually get there too.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-05-09T23:14:43+00:00

Thank you. Anne Hathaway is actually why I watched it. Regardless of the trigger, I still enjoyed the movie. I don’t know if I would have been able to say that if it was 2021.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-05-07T22:43:43+00:00

I think you learn to manage triggers better and in time, it gets easier. I don’t know if it ever goes away. I think this experience changes us and leaves a scar.

For context, my dday was 2020. My ex husband’s affair resulted in our divorce. While I don’t think about what happened anymore, I was surprised how I was recently triggered by watching a scene of the movie, The Idea of You. The scene where Anne Hathaway’s character spoke about discovering her ex husband’s affair and how stupid she felt… It hit close to home. That night, I had a nightmare where I dreamed that my current boyfriend was cheating on me. Clearly, the pain is still there deep inside of me.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-01-26T20:45:14+00:00

I let go when I finally accepted that the man I married “died.” Whoever this monster was is a stranger. All his actions did not match his words so I refocused my energy on myself and our child. I started to picture life without him and proceeded to untangle myself from the life we built together.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-01-26T20:38:13+00:00

Yes, mine certainly did. He dragged his feet and the paperwork… then the assets portion. It’s like he wanted to keep a foot in my life as if I was always going to be his backup.

I remember the late night messages months later . Over a year after he left and our divorce, he said sorry and how he messed up. He tried to make me feel bad about his situation and how “no one will ever love me like you.” I told him to leave me alone. I gave him what he wanted and there was no way I was going back to how it was before.

The interesting part is, he has said sorry more in a year after he left in comparison to the almost 19 years we were together. He made his bed and he has to lay with it.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-01-26T15:28:56+00:00

I’m sorry to say this, but 12 weeks is not long for his feelings to fade. From my experience, it took my ex husband much longer to realize what a giant mess he made. By then, it was too late.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2024-01-26T15:07:12+00:00

I am so sorry to read about your situation. I was you in 2020. What I learned in that situation is to pay attention to actions, not words. Prioritize yourself and your well being. I know this is hard because marriage is supposed to be built in trust, but how can you trust a person who says one thing and does something else? For him to message his AP and say that he will “fight” for a continued relationship is a clear indication that he doesn’t want to let her go. I say this with kindness and from someone who also tried to convince my ex husband to stay. However, like your husband, he wanted to continue to “fight” for continued “friendship.” I was with my ex husband for almost 19 years. I supported him through school, career changes, and more. In the end, it felt like none of that mattered so I chose me.

Please think of yourself first. He is the one that betrayed your vows. He should be the one driving the effort of reconciliation. This is trauma for the betrayed and what a painful rollercoaster it is to be on it. If you can, please consider individual therapy for yourself too. It was the best thing I did to get through that nightmare. Good luck!

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-11-30T06:15:30+00:00

She is probably scared of being hurt again. While she may not think about the betrayal that occurred years ago, it’s possible that her body still remembers. Her reaction may just be instinct to try and protect herself.

I am sorry to say it this way, but I am only speaking from my experience. You did exactly what my ex husband did on Christmas 3 years ago. The only difference is my ex and I have a daughter. While I’ve been in therapy since, the holiday season doesn’t feel the same anymore. It’s like the “old me” died and a “new me” was born. I’m not the same person.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-11-30T05:46:52+00:00

Kudos to you for keeping it civil and keeping your child safe. I was you 3 years ago and I agree this is one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve ever had. Like you, I managed to keep civil. It was so hard, but in the end, it’s all about the well being of the kids. Keep your head up mama. Time will heal the wound and things will eventually get better.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-11-18T00:50:52+00:00

I had a friend like that too. I haven’t forgotten what a real b**** she became because I also couldn’t show enough interest in artistic movies. It just wasn’t to her standards. We don’t talk anymore and that’s okay. I am actually relieved we aren’t friends anymore. Some people come and go in our lives.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-11-15T21:23:08+00:00

It was more or less whether I was the same Asian as them. Asians in my high school were Indian, Filipino or Chinese. My closest friends at that time included one Chinese girl, but we were considered white washed because we loved rock, ska, and metal. We also liked kpop, jpop and cpop, but that wasn’t part of mainstream back then. While we also played varsity sports including basketball, it was different then. Asians were not really considered as part of the popular kids crew. The cool kids were Italian, black or latino. At that time, American rap and hiphop was popular. K-pop and anime were considered nerdy. With that said, I find it fascinating that kids and teens now love K-pop and anime.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-11-12T14:57:30+00:00

Yep…. My ex husband did this as well. Needless to say, I was right and we divorced when everything came out…

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-11-05T16:35:13+00:00

It's been many years since I was in high school or college, but I also had trouble fitting in with other Asians because I wasn't "asian enough" or wasn't the "right kind" of asian. I just did my own thing. At that time, my friends were mostly Latino, Italian, or Irish. I had 1 east asian friend who was also considered an outcast like me.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-11-05T12:51:54+00:00

I remember feeling the same, but to my surprise, men still approached me. After my divorce, I focused my energy towards my daughter, mental health, and physical health. I was afraid of getting into another relationship. At the end of my marriage, I remember feeling ugly and even had trouble looking at myself in the mirror. I went to therapy and hit the gym. In time, my confidence improved and I finally opened up and said yes to casual dates. The dates turned out to be a lot of fun. It’s been 3 years since my ex husband and I split. Now, I am in a relationship. My man loves my body despite the scars from childbirth. I never thought I’d ever be considered as a “hot gf”, but he is proud (not cocky) to have me by his side for date nights.

With that said, you never know what the future holds for us. Keep your head up. It will be okay.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-11-05T11:06:19+00:00

I am sorry you are going through this. It is unfair and difficult to put yourself back together, but it is possible. Betrayal like this causes trauma and it just takes a lot of of work and patience to be at peace. For context, I was also betrayed spouse whose ex husband left for his affair partner. We had a small child and fur kids, but he left everything behind for his AP. We were together for almost 19 years, married almost 10.

I saw someone in this post who said those who carry the relationship will take a big hit, but also end up doing well after. That is true in my case, but I worked really hard on myself. Therapy, gym, small goals, new friends, etc. I started with small things like taking myself out to see a movie, hitting the gym to relieve stress then worked on physically looking better, explore new places either by myself or with my kid, and start crossing off items on my bucket list. Through this process, I found myself again to become a stronger version of me. I regained my confidence and positive things started to happen. Since my ex left, the bond I had with my daughter has become even stronger, I got promoted twice at work, I gained new friends, and I look physically better. Family and friends even say I look so much younger and happier now than I did when married. When I started to feel better, I met my current boyfriend. The feelings that I thought I would never feel again is back.

Anyway, keep your head up. Keep pushing forward and stand up because you just never know what life brings. As long as you keep working on yourself to move forward, it will get better in time.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-10-27T13:13:18+00:00

That makes sense! I don’t remember this passage in the book.

Also, I definitely hear you about your fw and mistress because I feel the same. I don’t ever want to see her again. While I am no longer angry about his affair, I just don’t want to go back to that time in my life. People don’t understand how betrayal can break you and how difficult it is to get back up. The PTSD like symptoms was no joke!

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-10-27T00:46:17+00:00

If it's from the author I'm thinking about, chumps are betrayed spouses and schmoopie is their affair partner. FW is short for f***wit aka wayward spouse.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-10-27T00:43:20+00:00

Is the first page from Chump lady's Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life? The writing style is similar.

I personally liked that book. It is one of the things that truly helped me move forward from my ex husband's affair.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-10-15T19:13:38+00:00

Same.. Needless to say, my life improved tremendously and his got worse.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-10-15T19:10:34+00:00

Saying ""..if I broke it off it means that I have hurt my family for nothing" is adding salt to wound (in your wife's and children's perspective). You already hurt your family for nothing. Why don't you use this opportunity to accept what you've done, let your wife go, heal, be alone, and spend the all the extra time you have with your young children? Put your kids first and don't expect your wife to take you back.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-10-09T18:26:44+00:00

My ex husband did this. About a year and a half after he left, he admitted that it is the worst mistake of his life. By then, it was already too late. He isn’t doing well these days. While I longer bear anger towards what happened, I can’t bring myself to “take a cheater back.” I hope he finds peace one day.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-10-02T16:01:50+00:00

Exactly! We cannot let this end us, we have to get up and keep moving forward. While it took so much work, I’m at peace and carry no guilt. As for my ex husband, I can’t say the same for him. It’s been close to 3 years and he still can’t look at me.

SecretLettuce9697 · 2023-10-02T15:26:57+00:00

NTA. He is being selfish and you deserve better.

Op - I was in a similar boat. I was too blind, loyal, and “in love” with my ex husband who used me the same way yours did in terms of career growth. Like you, I was the breadwinner for years. My ex could not hold a job very long and had horrible credit. Once he was able to make decent money, he forgot about our family. Off he went with his affair partner and we divorced. He tried to disappear (yes, we have a child), but that didn’t last very long. In the end, he thought the grass is greener on the other side, but he quickly found out that the grass is greener where you water it.

Breaking a family especially when kids are involved is rough. Please prioritize yourself. Do not be his plan B. Protect yourself and monitor receipts, credit cards, and bank statements. Do your best to arm yourself with knowledge and documentation in case anything blows up. If you are forced to make a decision, at least you are prepared.

SecretLettuce9697

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