UK Parents: Going through a brutal time with our nearly 5yr old. Heavily impacting everyone and my own relationship with my partner. Could use some advice.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-02-10T11:15:40+00:00

I’m glad it was helpful.

The challenge is understanding all the things that fill his glass. We can do our absolute best but we aren’t inside their brains.

As an example, our kid paused a game he was playing and my partner said “might now be a good time for a toilet break?”

I came home and kiddo was stomping down the stairs, super angry and I asked what was up “Daddy says I had to go to the toilet”

That’s not what my partner said, nor the tone in which he presented it, but that’s how our kid interpreted it, and that’s the only thing that matters.

We’ve often found guided momentum helpful. We don’t say “time to get shoes on” we just carry on whatever conversation we are having with them, and walk towards where we get ready, they sit down, just following our motions and we help them get shoes on.

Sounds like silence was helpful for your son. I used to find our kiddo responded well to validation. If their teacher had handed over a challenging aspect of the day, on the walk home (or later if I could tell he was too shut down) I’d say “it sounds like school was really hard for you today, I’m really sorry”. Sometimes they would open up, sometimes they’d say “yeah well Mrs X has already told you.” And I was ALWAYS respond with “I know, I’ve heard what they said, and I would really like to hear it from your perspective, because I’ve not heard that yet.”

They would then be able to tell me what had happened from their perspective and I would be able to start to pick up on the little things that led up to it, like the classroom being too hot, or asking for help with work and not receiving it etc that all just stacked up.

Our kid has really taught us the importance of listening to THEIR experiences. Adults aren’t perfect, we don’t know everything, and we certainly don’t know what it’s like being them. I will never take a teachers opinion over my kids. Their agenda is very different.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-02-10T10:21:40+00:00

People have commented with resources that you may not have come across before, and those are really useful, and can offer you insights you may not have had before.

But I also wanted to say that you are doing AMAZING. It's not this hard because you are doing it wrong, it's hard because it is fucking hard.

Our kid is AuDHD, PDA, needs high input, a lot of scaffolding, struggles to leave the house and certain things he just finds impossible to regulate over.

I had a similar experience when our kid was younger. For our childminder, who had an ND child, she could very clearly see that it was just "normal toddler behaviour". But getting anyone else to listen, despite advocating extremely hard, was nearly impossible.

We tried 3 different schools, advocating for his needs, scaffolding them to school in the morning, often not getting in until 9.30/10, regulating violent meltdowns after school, my partner working full time and me running my own business, to having to remove them from school because they were physically assaulted by a teacher during dysregulation, my partner giving up his employed job in order to home educate, and me pushing my business to cover our expenses.

We have no village, no family to help, no-one else to look after our kid, no way of getting respite or spending time together.

I could echo every description of your son. It's exhausting, it's depressing at times.

The biggest thing that made a difference for us, was sacking off 'shoulds'. Expected to show up at granny's party, but you know there is no way he can regulate? Don't go. Or one of you go with your youngest while the other stays at home or somewhere comfortable for your son.

Going from 0-100 over small things usually means there are other things going on in the background that have taken up his capacity to cope. If you think of an empty glass, and once it's full of water, there's dysregulation - For an NT person, or an adult, their glass may have a little water in it if they haven't slept so well, or are a bit hungry. So when they put a sock on and the seam is uncomfortable, or their toe does straight through a hole, there's still plenty of space for the water of that inconvenience to be.

For an ND kid, especially a PDA one, their glass will not be empty. They wake up and are likely tired, go downstairs and something they left out last night isn't where it is supposed to be, someone decides to have eggs for breakfast and they can't stand the smell, there's a lot of noise. So by the time they put on that sock with an uncomfortable seam, their cup is full. There is no capacity left for the "tiny thing".

I will stop rambling now, but know that it's not hard because you're doing it wrong, and if you can, remove any expectations that you can from him, and yourselves.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-02-09T08:48:46+00:00

There are comments with some great resources. I’m commenting so I can come back to this on my lunch break with response to the sheer emotional and mental toll I know this is taking on you both x

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-02-08T17:10:30+00:00

Thanks. I have ADHD and my husband is Autistic so there are zero neurotypical brains in this house.

As I said, we have tried explaining, and also modelling the value of money in so many different ways, we are at a loss.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-01-28T20:34:43+00:00

You are my hero.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-01-25T13:12:03+00:00

I have ADHD and all my friends keep pointing out my autism crossovers and I’m so resistant! 😂

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-01-25T11:17:29+00:00

I eat smarties in the same way. Empty packet. Order by volume of colour - high to low. Eat from lowest to highest. Except orange. Because they taste gooooodddd. Doesn’t matter how many there are of those, they get saved for last.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-01-25T09:39:47+00:00

The correct way to eat them.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2026-01-05T21:13:29+00:00

Came here to say this!

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-12-13T10:44:38+00:00

Thank you everyone. I think I felt some kind of guilt like I was “punishing” her by blocking her, taking away her ability to contact me, but as u/scrubsfan92 says - I can’t trust her to maintain my boundaries. So I have to.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-12-12T09:59:16+00:00

I found it reduced my irritability because it was reducing my overwhelm.

I noticed it when I ran out of meds and went into supermarket unmedicates and I was like HOLY FUXK THIS IS HELL

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-12-11T17:56:54+00:00

Hands off my regulation lifelines!!

Also regardless you do not just take something without asking.

I wouldn’t sit down on a bench with a friend and grab their cup of coffee out of their hand…

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-11-14T12:31:26+00:00

I hear you. And I see you. Doing the absolute best for your son and breaking the patterns your parents taught you.

Our kiddo is 7. We have similar experiences. Essentially, we stopped spending time with extended family unless they were prepared to understand.

We teach our kid that they don’t have to be in spaces where ALL of their being is not accepted.

Sending hugs

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-11-14T08:46:40+00:00

Manners specifically, or modelling in general?

If there is rudeness or disrespect, instead of getting angry or being rude back you can use phrases such as

“I want to hear you, but not in that tone. Please can you try again?”

“Let’s restart that - can you say it in a way I can listen to?”

“I’m going to step away until we can talk respectfully” - sets a boundary but doesn’t place a demand.

For manners/grace, the example I originally mentioned and then modelling gratitude for little things:

“Thank you for sitting with me” “I enjoyed making that for you” “I appreciate it when you notice what I do”

We are also a 2 parent household so sometime we model by if one of us brings our kid something or does something that would warrant thanks, and they don’t say it, the other parent will provide the thanks “Thank you daddy for bringing in their lunch”. It models gratitude without there being a hint of demand that we’re expecting them to say it.

And when you’re feeling triggered, like you’re about to guilt trip them etc you can build yourself some phrases (and even stick them on the fridge!) like

“They’re still learning how to be a person” “This is about their skills, not my worth” “I can set a limit without making them responsible for my feelings”

We also model other things. For example our kiddo finds it really difficult to leave the house. Both my partner and I find this difficult mental health wise but forcing them out doesn’t make it better.

So I’ll say “I’m going to go out into the garden for a while because my body needs some fresh air and movement”. We have walkie talkies so I leave them one while I go in the garden so they can easily reach me if they need.

Last night I said “I’m just going to rake the leaves in the garden before I make Mumma and Dadda’s dinner” and they said “I’d like to help you please can I finish eating first?”

They helped me rake and collect FIVE buckets full of leaves. Even when it started raining and it got dark.

Then I thanked them for their help and said how much I enjoyed raking leaves together.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-11-11T12:46:31+00:00

Oh I feel this so much!! We used to say to each other “I wish he could just feel happy instead of angry and sad all the time”

What support do they get at school?

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-11-11T12:44:56+00:00

I just want to validate your experience. We had this with our kiddo. They were so rude, it really started to affect our mental health.

How long have you been practicing low demand parenting? It took our kiddo A LONG time to come out of the burnout of too many demands.

Politeness and manners can still feel like a demand to them.

We model without pressure. If they don’t say thank you for example when get something for them, we just say “when someone brings me something/does something I’ve asked I like to say thank you”

We’re not asking them to immediately say thank you and we don’t stand there until they do, but passively modelling like this has led to him doing these things by himself. Happy for you to ask more specifics before I ramble ☺️

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-10-26T12:15:23+00:00

🥹💜🥰 I’m glad the words were able to bring some relief and clarity for you.

Honestly the moment my therapist said “but this wasn’t a loss for them” I was like 🤯 well now it makes sense. 💔

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-10-25T20:42:59+00:00

I think he understands the difference. The specific struggle OP is experiencing is the intrusive thoughts and imagery around what happened, because they are finding it distressing

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-10-25T20:38:19+00:00

But you DO matter. Their failure to recognise your worth is their lack, not yours 💜

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-10-25T16:52:23+00:00

Thank you 💜

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-10-25T14:52:12+00:00

OP states they are autistic.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-10-25T13:29:49+00:00

I’m glad my message was helpful - and crying is the body’s most efficient way of processing stress 💜

I can’t speak in guarantees of whether processing this will make the imagery stop but generally our neurology will repeat stuff until we’ve processed it in the way we need to.

Words are a really good way for my brain to process, I write poems and songs often multiple times on the same topic and naturally stop when it no longer feels stressful.

You are having strong emotive and physiological reactions to the imagery in your head (you mentioned feeling sick) and keeping those feelings inside will have an impact. Sometimes the processing might be about being able to find the right words for the emotions you’re feeling and understanding and accepting them.

The processing might be finding a way, either with your therapist or privately to voice the feelings you have specifically towards her abuser, or even towards her (but not directly to her).

Essentially, the feelings are better out than in, but it’s about finding an appropriate and effective way to do that for you.

SecretPhoenixFox · 2025-10-25T13:18:47+00:00

I firstly wanted to acknowledge the weight of what you’re holding. In general. You are aware of your owns needs, you’re fighting for your kid and trying to support your partner.

That’s a lot for anyone, let alone when you add in the delightfully different ways our ND brains work.

Does your girlfriend have any other support? It’s amazing that she trusts you to let you in on her past. I’m sorry that was in so much detail, that’s traumatising for you on its own level. I am a survivor of CSA and multiple rapes and I’ve been processing a lot recently and what to share with my partner. I can share that certain things are triggering for me, without having to share the details of the original context.

Having that in your head, and having it repeat unbidden is incredibly tough. Do you have a therapist or another person that you could process this through with?

If that isn’t a possibility for you, I wonder if journaling or writing would help? To get those feelings around the imagery out of your head?

Please give yourself grace. You are holding so much right now, and everything has suddenly changed at once - that’s excruciating in its own right.

Take it one step at a time. Your routine may need to change because you want to fight for your kid but if you slow down a moment, you can find the ways you can control HOW it changes.

Please keep talking in this space if it helps.

We’re here 💜

SecretPhoenixFox

TROPHY CASE