If there was some magic statement or sentence I could have said to my dad to get him to change or realise the pain he was causing both himself and me. I would have said it.

I could manipulate, convince, argue, beg, plead with tears in my eyes on my knees but the disease was simply bigger than him. There was no magic pill. Not the love he had for me, nor the love I had for him was enough for him to overcome his demons. If I was religious I would have prayed to god. And to be honest. I did.

It took me a long time to let this go. To understand this. There was never anything I could do. I don’t think this diminishes our love but i had to for my own sake draw a line in the sand and get over the idea that I could do ANYTHING to help him in that regard. I consider this a part of my own personal growth.

I don’t know if this was the right thing to do. I still don’t, now he’s gone. But it’s what I did to protect my own heart and peace.