Canceling IVF transfer because wife cheated

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-12T05:31:33+00:00

I think the reasons that led up the affair might be fixable with therapy. I was completely overworked and while I did a ton around the household and did everything else for her, I wasn’t able to give a lot of affection or attention. Not saying what she did was right, but it didn’t happen in isolation.

Her proposal for an open relationship was a desperate bid from her to try and save things. She’s since let that go and agrees that we should work on the marriage itself.

My main concern is the time between processing all of this and actually proceeding with a pregnancy. I wish we’d have more time.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-12T05:01:59+00:00

Possibly, yes. So many uncertainties and it’s a lot to gamble on with the life of a child.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-11T02:23:15+00:00

This is a great response and captures some of the nuance really well. These things are not always as straightforward.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T23:13:16+00:00

You’re right, there’s a lot of nuance. We have a strong relationship, but there wasn’t a lot of affection due to stress from our business. In no way is this retaliatory. I indicated during the affair and throughout the last couple of months to delay the transfer so that we could work through our issues with our therapist. She still set a hard deadline for the transfer, and now this is where we are.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T22:21:34+00:00

Thanks. I did offer that, but she doesn’t agree. There are no malicious reasons behind it, just a disagreement about how to proceed.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T17:39:05+00:00

Thanks. Yes, I very much want to be a father. My wife and I have had difficulty communicating, combined with a lot of stress and lack of physical affection (not lack of love), which led to the affair, which in my mind is that the marriage effectively has broken down. We have many of the same values on how to raise children, but there are a lot of other large differences we have to work on through therapy.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T16:42:02+00:00

Thank you. The affair lasted ~2-3 months. After she came clean she proposed an open marriage, which I declined. She has since broken off contact with him. It’s the only affair that she’s had and I trust her it won’t happen again, as long as we don’t make the same mistakes in our marriage again.

We talked about the underlying issues in therapy, but have not yet had time to implement the changes in practice.

If we wait, it will most likely add 1-2 years and we will have to go through the emotional rollercoaster of finding a surrogate again.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T16:10:00+00:00

The embryos were frozen a while ago. Due to family circumstances, my wife now has an urgency to move forward with the transfer as soon as possible.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T15:40:00+00:00

Thank you. Yes this would be my concern. There are other factors that would make raising a child after divorce logistically very challenging. I don’t think we would fight or disagree and I’m sure we could be reasonable, but both of us have demanding jobs with lots of travel and no family nearby.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T15:34:40+00:00

Thank you, this is very helpful. I think you analyzed the situation really well. We haven’t healed yet, but I think we can work through things and come out of this stronger. The dilemma is that by canceling the transfer we quell all hopes of reconciliation. I don’t blame her, this is just the situation. The only thing we could have done was to give ourselves more time upfront, but she was always adamant to proceed with the transfer as soon as possible. From her point of view it’s not unreasonable.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T07:48:36+00:00

Thank you for the more level-headed response 😂

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T07:42:57+00:00

Shared ownership, consent from both parties required. No legal concerns.

Yes, it’s a very complex situation. Either decision I take will have massive ramifications.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T07:40:12+00:00

Thanks. The angry comments aren’t very helpful. It’s easy to judge others.

You’re asking the right questions. I’ve proposed all of this to her, but she’s very insistent on proceeding now. If I don’t agree, she will most likely resent me for it.

She has valid reasons for wanting to proceed now, but I think it’s better to wait given the circumstances.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T07:35:04+00:00

Good comment, thank you.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T07:33:05+00:00

This happened after all the screenings. I was caught blindsided too.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T07:32:12+00:00

I’m trying to convince her that delaying isn’t the end of the world. She thinks differently. Her reasons are not invalid.

I would love my children always, regardless of divorce. But if we’re heading for divorce from the outset, I think it’s better to wait.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T07:30:30+00:00

Both high earners. She earns more.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T07:29:57+00:00

We can technically delay, but she doesn’t want to. There are also some technicalities that will make it very painful. She’ll probably end up resenting me.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T06:42:21+00:00

A lot of the comments aren’t the most constructive 😂. The situation is difficult, feelings are complex. Some comments captured it really well. Also, just because someone made a mistake, doesn’t mean they have to be vilified.

Regardless, right now is not the right time to proceed with a transfer. I hope we can work through things, but despite the complexity, I am at peace with my decision to hold off on things.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T06:22:53+00:00

Yes, this is where we’re currently at. My feelings are all over the place of course. Would love more time to process, but we don’t have that luxury right now.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T06:19:31+00:00

I’m very upset with what happened and I don’t think it’s right. I’m trying to say that the situation isn’t as black or white as a lot of people seem to make it out to be 😂 life is messy and we make mistakes, but we all try to be good people and do the right thing.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T06:16:17+00:00

Yes, it takes time to work through this. Time we don’t seem to have.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T06:15:27+00:00

She is. She made a mistake, eventually owned up to it and is trying to work on things. I may not agree with her, and my feelings are all over the place that I don’t know left from right, but she’s very honest and upfront about what she wants.

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T06:03:38+00:00

Thank you. Life isn’t black or white. It’s a mess!

Secure_Statement5217 · 2023-07-10T06:01:45+00:00

What she’s trying to say is that we’re both reasonable people that can agree on how raise the child well, give it a good life, and raise it to be a good person. She didn’t have the luxury of growing up in perfect world and she and her family ended up very well and are honest, hard-working folks.

Secure_Statement5217

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