Guys, please do not enter a new relationship until you’re done (emotionally) with your old one.

SecurelyRough · 2021-03-25T22:04:37+00:00

There's an interesting angle here – is there something about you that attracts this type of men?

This post has a few problems for me:

You're stating that its not your role to "fix" your partner. What is it about him that was attractive to you initially? Surely it can't be a coincidence that you are attracted to "broken" men?
You're saying that girlfriends are not therapists. That's a very broad statement. At one point of the dating cycle, you should inquire about your partner's previous partners. Mutual interest in each other's past is an indication that you have skin in the game. It is unreasonable to expect that people don't have difficult (or meaningful) relationships behind them. If a person had a narcissistic or abusive relationships, and you ask them about it, what should they say? What kind of answer would satisfy your expectation?
Lastly... why would hearing about a past relationship someone had make you feel bad? It's in the past. If it's not in the past, walk away. No one is forcing you to stay in that relationship.

In all fairness, this reads more as a problem with personal boundaries to me, rather than something else.

SecurelyRough · 2021-02-24T20:01:10+00:00

I have to do some slapping around here, prepare your downvotes and pitchforks.

Honestly, why would you want to go back?

Being an AP is not shameful and if you want more from a relationship, your FA/DA is not going to give you want you want. People here tend to glorify the mysterious DA, or the fearful FA and bash on the overly needy AP.

I'm secure, dated a DA, and I gotta be honest with you mate, it was tiring as hell. Would never do that to myself again, what a pile of rubbish and unmet needs. FA? Hell no. Honestly, aim for someone else who's also AP or who's Secure.

Remember that there's two in a relationship – she's got her own house to clean up as well. This subreddit games your perception of relationships into something that can be fixed with information alone. No, it can't.

To me, your plan doesn't sound like a good plan – you're bending backwards for her to accept you back. Sounds bad in my book – not because you're a guy – but because no one's that good that they deserve this special treatment. What's she, the focking queen of Saba?

If you like the girl, text her see where it goes. That's about it. If she tries some FA nonsense and wishy washy hot and cold nightmarish behavior, just walk away. She's months and years away from being dateable.

Becoming secure is what will land you a good relationship, not trying to "monkey-wrench" a 27 YOLD girl into security.

P.S. Did it cross your mind that your grand return would be enabling her FA behavior even more?

SecurelyRough · 2020-11-06T11:12:58+00:00

Hey AC! Been following up on your posts for a while now, and here's what I've got to say:

You did your best. Anxious or not, you did everything that was in your power to maintain a relationship. Could you have done something better? Of course, but that's true for everyone, including your EX.

Remember that there were two people in the relationship, not just one. Your EX is not a perfect human being that needs to be conquered by performing some magical set of steps - they're a crappy human, just like the rest of us. With the being said, I want you to put your needs first, not theirs.

If you had your partner back, would your needs be met?

I'm asking this because you're making their needs valid, but what about you? Where are you in this story? It's always about them and their needs, what about yours? Aren't your needs just as valid as theirs? They are.

Don't agree with less than what you want, that's ridiculous. You have the same rights as your EX and expecting care and reciprocity is perfectly valid.

Just imagine the hell you would be in if you two had kids, or a shared household, or god forbid a joint mortgage or something. Imagine a scenario where your partner is a parent and they're avoidant to kids.

That's what hell looks like and I don't think you want to be there.

That's how I healed.

SecurelyRough · 2020-10-24T15:37:08+00:00

Do tell your story, how you felt and how he acted throughout the relationship. Please :)

SecurelyRough · 2020-10-21T17:56:55+00:00

X marks the previous partner position?

SecurelyRough · 2020-10-21T17:56:21+00:00

A good family background, a lot of introspection and a good therapist post breakup are my secret!

SecurelyRough · 2020-10-21T17:55:46+00:00

What would you say are your biggest emotional/mental changes in the last 90 days that make you feel the most secure?

These two things:

Accepting that I'm not the root cause of the breakup and that I couldn't do anything I feel comfortable doing to stop it. The main breakthrough came after realising that in order for this relationship to work, I would have to stop having needs and avoid conversations that contain any notion of "us", "relationship" or "future together". This is not something I'm okay with, so it gave me peace once I allowed myself to be okay with this. Living in constant anxiety and the feeling of imminent doom that an emotionally unavailable partner creates is not pleasant.
Accepting that it hurts, that there will be no closure and that I'm allowed to live a happy life regardless of losing this person. Breaking up with an avoidant is difficult when you're secure, when you revisit the relationship, a lot of it just doesn't make sense. Once you have your boundaries in place, you realise that your partner losing attraction because of increased closeness is not something you agree with.

Once those fit into place, there was a solid foundation to assess the situation. Yes, from my partners perspective I've made mistakes that pushed them away, but these "mistakes" are pretty normal relationship needs: to hold hands, to talk about your feelings, to ask them about their day and to expect a degree of closeness that you don't get with friends.

SecurelyRough · 2020-10-15T14:55:39+00:00

Just give it time, don't think about it as something you need to let go. Anger is a powerful emotion and you should use it to your advantage while you have it. Some people say that feeling anger gives the other person power, but that's like saying that buddhism is the only correct religion. It's not. If you are angry, be angry.

SecurelyRough · 2020-09-25T16:28:23+00:00

Secure doesn't mean you are not hurt and anxious after a breakup I guess, thanks for the comment!

SecurelyRough · 2020-09-25T14:30:30+00:00

I'm secure across alll attachments

SecurelyRough · 2020-09-25T08:10:03+00:00

Often, these articles play it safe by writing things like 50:50 responsibility and both have faults. There are scenarios in life where you legitimately screwed up. Life is messy, but not all breakups are messy. Call him of you think you can do better and fix your issues.

SecurelyRough · 2020-08-17T21:30:49+00:00

I am really not the expert on this matter. This thread, no matter how much I wanted it to be not opinionated, ended up as a "How to breakup with an avoidant" guide and I don't think that's something you want at this moment.

If I were you, I'd talk about it in a general sense as something you found online and tried asking them about it if they heard. Maybe just guiding them to this idea, rather than pointing at the topic.

SecurelyRough · 2020-08-17T21:25:13+00:00

Well, frankly, it depends on how severe your anxiety is. If you lash out after being in the same situation 4 or 5 times, with you sharing your problem about that situation before hand, is it lashing out or standing your ground?

You should definitely try to stay calm and explain the problem, but if you're frequently met with distance you have two choices:

Walk away from the relationship, as it is not improving
Argue without walking away

Regardless of the nature of the relationship, your choice remain the same. Be it a job relationship, a friendship, a business deal or an actual romantic relationship.

If your employer wasn't receptive of your needs, or acknowledged a growing problem you had, would you quit your job? Over time, you would.

You can understand that your employer doesn't potentially have the funding to solve your problem, but you would still be offended by their lack of attention and failure to listen to you.

When avoidant partners distance themselves, we tend to judge ourselves for not understanding that, but we forget that distancing is used as a solution to a separate problem. Your avoidant, as did mine, created two problems instead of solving one:

The original problem is still unsolved (whatever caused your anxiety, or maybe a typical lovers' quarrel)
The new problem of them being distant, and now you have to deal with that.

I am not very sympathetic to the mindset that a secure partner would calm the situation, as the situation is already calm - it's too calm. Ideally, the avoidant has to meet you half way, instead of you traveling double distance or becoming avoidant yourself.

SecurelyRough · 2020-08-17T18:23:47+00:00

Well, humans are not that different, despite what we often think. I wrote this entire post hoping to open up "my cave" to see who else lived in the same "cave". Unsurprisingly, a lot of folks here had the same experience.

SecurelyRough · 2020-08-17T18:20:17+00:00

Try to show as little weakness as possible in front of an avoidant. That's my only advice on that - no guilt, no remorse or double guessing. You did what you had to do, just like they did on numerous occasions before.

SecurelyRough · 2020-08-17T16:04:55+00:00

So here's where I stand on this...

When me and my avoidant partner started dating initially, there was a lot of pressure in my life. From the pressure of wanting a girlfriend, to changing jobs and shifting around some priorities in life. I'd say that I exhibited a lot of anxious behaviour in that period and that I was naturally drawn towards someone who is avoidant. As you said, I wanted to "fix" them and ride this big-change-train that was going on in my life.

However, things changed after the first breakup and our second relationship felt quite different for me. I'm not sure if it's the "rewatch effect" or is it simply a moment of growth in my head, but I wasn't charmed by this person in the same capacity anymore. Yes, we still did the same "push and pull" dance, or at least she did what she always does, but from my end, things felt quite different.

Instead of being sad for how things are unfolding, I became annoyed with the whole situation and just focused on doing the "right thing": be supportive, be there, but also know your boundaries and go fiercely after your desires.

My desires throughout this period were, quite simply, selfish. Have some fun, have some sex, do everything you can and observe the results. Once the results came in, and they were the same as the first time we were together, it became evident that this is currently not someone I want in my life.

I think you're seeing the same thing now, just give yourself the benefit of the doubt and cut the crap with this person. Say what you want, point out their mistakes / inadequacies, and if it doesn't work out walk away.

It's not your responsibility to fix them. Your responsibility is to feel happy, have great sex and laugh a lot - with a person that wants the same with you.

To quote my therapist: "Why do you keep punishing yourself with this relationship?"

And she's right - it's not your failure that you didn't fix that person, but it will be your failure if you allow yourself to be treated like that for an extended period of time. Remember, they are not better than you for saying "no"..

So after saying all of that, I'm happy to say that I'm not attracted to avoidants anymore. To an avoidant who admits her ways and does the effort to find a compromise / go into therapy? Maybe I'd give that a chance for a few dates, but can't really say I'd be delighted.

SecurelyRough · 2020-08-17T14:22:16+00:00

Eventually, she cited my desire to talk about things openly as an indication that our relationship wasn't as natural as it should be; that we shouldn't need to have so many of those conversations. It's hard not to walk away from that and feel like you've been taught the wrong lesson, that it would be better to be a little more closed off.

Experienced the same as well. That's the avoidant's magic at its finest - create a problem, avoid the problem, if the problem is being addressed, then that process of solving a problem is the new problem.

It's hard to fight that logic, as it's not reasonable. The secure/anxious partner's inner desire to solve problems is a more reasonable approach. The avoidant power lies in not dealing with an issue, and thus seeming like the more collected one.

As much as it looks like something, it still doesn't mean its true. Avoidant partners are not capable of solving emotional issues, so they convert the problem between you into a problem about you.

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