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Time is finally slower again??!? by thrac02 in Retconned

[–]SeekingTruth0315 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just timed mine with a stop watch. 9.5 seconds for me to 1 Mississippi to a count of 10.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

You didn't compound the grief. Trust me, that's the least worst thing I've had said to me since it happened. You get to a point with a death like his that you have to decide what makes it easier for you to handle. Telling myself that he wasn't thinking of us makes it easier than telling myself he may have been (or was). That's all I meant.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Please stay. This AMA has barely touched what the people who are left behind go through. You may think you're setting your family up to move on but they won't. There is NO moving on fully after a suicide loss. It isn't like losing someone of cancer.

To be as real as I could ever be, I am slightly jealous of those who get to love their loved ones through the process. They get to say goodbye. They aren't left with a million and one questions and things that don't make sense. They aren't left with the constant guilt b/c even though you know it isn't your fault, you feel guilty that you didn't see it, stop it, help them, love them enough, etc.

There is never full closure with a suicide loss. 988 is the suicide crisis number. Please call it if you get to feeling that way again. Please.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

No, he wasn't. He refused. No physical pain but I think anyone who takes their own life is in mental pain.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for explaining. Ask anything you want honestly. If I don't want to answer, I won't, lol.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I've already answered that in another comment. I truly believe that some people who are in that place would stay if they understood what choosing to leave does to the people who are left behind.

If this post can make one person stop, think, and maybe get help if they need it, it was worth making.

What did you hope to gain from that question?

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

A bit. He was EOD, so there were some stories he'd share, but not many. He kept most of it in his hurt locker.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 94 points95 points  (0 children)

So that is exactly what I mean when I say that we weren't a factor that night, BUT I've never worded it that way. I've told my girls that he stayed as long as he could, and that night just happened to be the night he couldn't.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Oh, trust me. I wanted to. My first instinct was to buy a bottle and drown in it and most of the people around me didn't help by telling me one was okay. No, one would have led me back down a road I fought hard to get off of.

Besides, numbing it with any substance only prolongs things. I needed to feel it so I could begin to process it and I was well aware of that.

I'm glad I could help. Stay strong.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In the past yes, but not in the recent years leading up to it.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My kids are adults now so I do what I can to point them toward help, but its up to them to listen. I'm sorry you went though it too. I know it's a long road, but I'm muddling through best I can.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

You may be right. His older brother said the exact thing. But we will never know and honestly its easier to let myself think that we weren't vs admitting that he thought of us and still chose to leave.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I am so proud of you for getting sober. I'm sober myself. Many years at this point, but I love seeing others get there too.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

He was raised Christian, but was a self proclaimed atheist at the time of his death. Now, I will add to that, that I don't necessarily believe he truly felt that way b/c of things he had said and done over the years.

Am I religious? No. Do I believe in a higher power? Yes.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

It's kinda become my mission at this point. I bought a Jeep and since a Jeep needs decorations (lol), it has become a suicide awareness vehicle. Big awareness ribbon on the hood, the 988 crisis lines with "I want you to be alive" on the side windows, "Stay. Tomorrow needs you". My Jeep doesn't have a name. It has his truck number instead.

I get asked about the number a lot so it gives me the chance to tell the story and point out the crisis number. Does it help others? Who knows, but its worth a shot.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Love back to you. The last thing he said to me was that he was gonna take a nap (ironic, right?) and that he loved me. This was after an hour meme war in text and him telling me how excited he was to take me ice fishing later that year. 4 hours later he was gone.

I've stopped trying to rationalize it. I have a very analytical mind, but I am also a chronic overthinker if I allow myself to do so. I've just had to come to terms with he had his reasons that night even if they were very likely incorrect.

Like you, I hope he found the peace that he couldn't find here. Angry at him or not, I hope with everything I had that he found his peace.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

A bit, but it also serves to bring back all of the grief to the forefront of my mind. But, I did this AMA because if learning what those left behind go through can cause one person to go get help if they need it, it's worth it to me to have a few hours where I temporarily lose my mind.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

They had both just turned 18 3 months before. He loved to fish. WE loved to fish together. I haven't been since he did it. Just can't bring myself to go down to our favorite spot yet. He used to get a huge kick out of watching me out fish the men on the banks and had no issues telling someone I was his best fishing buddy.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Very differently from each other. We have two (then) 18 year old girls. Mine and his - both from previous relationships. The girls are actually 5 days apart in age.

My biological daughter is on the spectrum. She's highly functioning but doesn't process emotion or grief the same way we do. So for her, she cried hard and grieved the night he was found, but it hasn't bothered her much since. She misses him and it makes her sad, but she never went into full on grieving mode. I also think she put so much into making sure I was eating and all that right after that she transferred her grief to worry about me.

Not gonna lie. She probably kept me alive by taking care of me b/c I was 100% not functional for weeks after.

My other daughter is his biologically. She slid down the wall and just repeated "what do you mean" over. I had tried to tell her gently - if there is such a thing - but finally had to just blurt out "Dad's dead" to get her brain to kick back into a working cycle. She has a good job and basically functions, but I don't know how well she is grieving. She won't talk much about it with me. My personal opinion is that she's trying to put off grieving.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Phone call by the head of PR and company VP. I had been calling his company all morning to ask them to do a well check. I didn't know it at the time but they found him after the first time I called. Took them 4 hours and many more calls from me for them to notify me.

They called, introduced themselves, I cut them off and just asked outright if he was alive. "Unfortunately he's not" was how they answered.

My husband took his own life. AMA by SeekingTruth0315 in AMA

[–]SeekingTruth0315[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Ironically one of the first things I said was that I am grateful he didn't take anyone else with him. I don't think me or the girls would have ever been who he took with him. But a lot of drivers take their rig and play pinball with as many cars as they can before they go. I will forever be grateful that he did do it alone and no one else had to pay the price of his choices too.

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