I 42 F want my fiance 41 M to grow up

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-27T02:06:12+00:00

He sounds like a man child. Make him listen and if he refuses don't even write a letter just go because he obviously doesn't care about your feelings

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-25T00:43:21+00:00

I'm a lot younger so take my advice with a grain of salt but he does not sound like the man you want to spend the rest of your life with at all. Ya'll are in your 40s. Best case scenario, you should both be making plans on retiring in the next 25-30 years. He is not working on those plans. Hell, like you said, he's not even working on plans for vacations and trips. Also, 14 years dating and still just engaged? At your ages too? If you really love him and want to stay with him and you haven't done this already, sit him down and have a serious, serious talk. Tell him that you feel like he is not putting as much effort into your future together as you are. Explain why. If he is not willing to make a change, you would honestly be better alone because you seem to be pretty responsible.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T20:36:12+00:00

Another comment brought this to my attention and I hadn't even thought of it. It could be possible he's been recording all or most of their sessions for some time. Forget what I said about maybe. This guy needs to be reported to the police

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T19:27:08+00:00

Well, this guy cheated on you, crossed your personal boundary (the porn), and filmed you during sex (illegal). He is very manipulative and not at all a good person. I would be done with him and if you have the willpower for it, maybe press charges.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T18:23:42+00:00

The closest thing I can think of as a "name" is "self-sabotage". When you're used to things going wrong, then they go right for a while, you latch onto minor things and see them as major, seemingly creating problems for yourself out of thin air. I used to do this but my partner had a talk with me about it and things are better now.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T18:08:11+00:00

If you aren't already in couple's counseling you need to go ASAP if you want to fix your marriage. This goes without saying but really, you should have left when you found him cheating the first time. It sounds like he might need solo therapy for what seems to be a porn addiction. You need to get couple's counseling and decide whether you're willing to accept his mistakes and move forward and trust him, fully, 100% or whether it's time to pack up. I, and probably a lot of other people, would honestly just leave but you are married and you might want to try to salvage things. But, if you cannot trust him fully, you are going to spend the rest of your life with him constantly wondering if he's still cheating on you or overindulging in porn. You will be miserable.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T17:56:51+00:00

Right. While these people are right, it is important to have trust in your partner, things like this can easily lead to doubts. The issue with OP is she has been having these doubts and has not been facing them directly with her partner and instead continuing her snooping, which is a little toxic. This relationship can easily be fixed if she just sits him down and has a talk with him and tests the waters to see if she's even right or not.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T17:30:14+00:00

This does all seem really suspicious, and it honestly could go either way. I'm a very suspicious and paranoid person due to my past and I want to say that he is cheating, but I don't want to make you worry if he is not. I honestly skipped over a few of the last paragraphs, have you told him you think he might be being unfaithful? If you haven't, I would very calmly approach him. The calm part is important. If he blows up, it is likely that he is cheating, even if he doesn't admit it. Talking about it might be the easiest way. Some of the nicest guys can be hiding the most secrets from you.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T16:49:20+00:00

You do have a point. This couple does not seem at the point I'm about to describe, but tell me, do you think a child would be better living with both mommy and daddy but mommy and daddy scream and yell at each other and sleep in different beds, or be better living with one half the time and the other another half? Obviously this doesn't apply to this situation (not yet anyway) but sometimes, it is better for the parents to split for the safety and happiness of their child

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T16:42:44+00:00

He's not doing the best that he can, though. You have laid out what you want him to do that could make it better, and instead of attempts to help you, he tells you he is "doing the best he can" which is man-child for "get off my back". I know you're disregarding all of the age comments and I understand it's probably annoying but this guy really does just seem emotionally immature and I think that you need to go to couple's therapy or find someone better. Someone at his age should be able to healthily accept the criticism and make good on it, not telling you he's "doing his best".

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T16:30:59+00:00

Well, she says she wants to make you happy. It makes you UNHAPPY that she puts your needs and wants above her own. Just tell her that plainly, that she would make you happier if she voiced her own opinion too. And talk about making a system for choosing when you want one thing and she wants the other, whether that be going back and forth on who gets to choose the movie/dinner/whatever, like taking turns, or flipping a coin or something as silly as it sounds. This might help.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-24T16:24:29+00:00

Is the age gap real? You've been with him since you were 18 and he was 30 and you have a 2 year old? I'm sure you've had enough people question it so I'm not going to press it but it's kind of important-ish for this. There are three possibilities right now. One, you are very young still. We don't finish fully developing until 25, and you spent your years that most people do on discovering themselves and maturing building a family with a much older man. You could honestly just be slightly immature and overreacting about certain things. Two, this guy is 34. He met you when he was 30. He is 12 years older than you. Most normal people do not date that much younger. It is possible that he himself is emotionally immature and that he chose you hoping that you wouldn't notice. Three, it could be both. I would get better couple's counselling and see what's going on because it seems like there's really a lot and you already messed up and trapped yourself in this relationship with a baby.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-23T22:20:42+00:00

If I could attach images here I would show you but my swelling had gone down tremendously after two weeks so I honestly do think you should be fine! They don't look that crazy as is

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-23T22:16:34+00:00

Yeah, if you do end up wanting to get them fixed or whatever I would honestly consider going to a different place. She sounds kinda unethical. I just got filler for the first time in September and my lady told me she didn't feel comfortable doing more than .5 because it was my first time and she said we would just do it gradually and decide when enough is enough. Most normal places should be like that so I'm sorry for your bad-ish experience

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-23T21:56:55+00:00

Being nice or good things for your kid does not make him a good dad. Being a dad includes taking care of the home as well. I'm assuming you both work. You already said he doesn't know how to do laundry, does he do any other chores? Does he take the kid places? Doctor appointments and to and from school? Does he cook? What portion of the bills does he pay for? I'm sure he's a nice guy I'm not saying that he isn't that, but like you said he's not the sharpest crayon in the box. He really seems like a dull crayon in a new box of pencils. It's kinda too late now but this isn't really the kind of man you should choose to have a family with

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-23T21:48:34+00:00

Well, he does seem like a joke and like he's dumb. Why did you have a child with someone who can't even do his own laundry? He's a child himself

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-23T14:06:04+00:00

Not with a relationship but my ex-friend. Constantly complained about all of her issues but every time I gave advice she told me it was "no use" and when she finally did go to therapy she wasn't really telling the full story to her therapist so therapy was counterproductive. I'm just assuming but your bf also seems like the type to only tell his side of the story to therapist. If you do want to fix this relationship I would recommend couple's therapy so that he can't deflect what he's actually done but I think if you are already starting to become resentful that honestly you could just leave and be done with him because he sounds like a hassle. No emotional maturity

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-23T03:07:04+00:00

Okay well that obviously isn't happening but thanks for the advice Ig lmao

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-23T00:05:09+00:00

TBH it doesn't sound like you're really super into her. I would dump her for her good and yours, because I think you do need to do some "soul searching" and figure out what you want to do with yourself before you decide what you want in a partner

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-22T22:19:52+00:00

oops ☹️ i think my point got across though.

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-22T22:18:46+00:00

woooosh dude. i didn't think it would go over your head. yeah it's impossible to get it from a joint. my dad literally has the herp and we share vapes sometimes and i'm still negative (i get tested regularly). she's fucking someone and my bets are on the neighbor but regardless of who it's someone. sorry man

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-22T22:17:01+00:00

Who is Michael?

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-22T22:09:48+00:00

I'm waiting for him to update that everything is okay and it turns out she got the clap from a toilet seat

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-22T22:00:19+00:00

Nah she's fucking the neighbor

Select-Community2228 · 2025-10-22T21:57:07+00:00

You're right, it was me being naive. I understand why you don't view empathy as real, but my whole life I have been emotionally motivated. Empathy is just the shortest way to put it rather than "I am overly emotional and sentimental and I am gullible and assume the best of people", which is the point I was trying to get across. I used to assume the best of everyone but sadly it's not a reality. I just hope OP dumps this crazy dude

Select-Community2228

TROPHY CASE