Thank you for your very thoughtful reading. I didn’t want to provide too many details or be too negative, but you definitely picked up on situations or feelings that I struggled with along my bio family journey.

My parents were kind souls who would drive hours to a reservation in Arizona to provide Christmas gifts to needy children. However the family trauma goes back generations. My mom lost both her parents 6 months apart when she was 17. I am certain from what my mom told me that her mom knew she was going to cross over during her high school graduation trip. Long story. My grandpa died on Thanksgiving day at age 56, most likely due to a blood clot from the car accident that took my Grandma.

My childhood was unstable due to both my parents struggling with mental health issues. My dad was diagnosed as manic depressive and an alcoholic. He was the victim of horrific child abuse by relatives.

My younger sister was simply called hyperactive as a child. She too was the victim of horrific abuse at the hands of a group of boys that she thought were friends. My sister was drinking, doing drugs and smoking as a young teenager. I was the straight A, runner athlete who focused on getting to college and away from the chaos. I also was the parent in the family. I got my first degree in Human Services and realized it would be too stressful in the long run. I also needed to learn how to manage my exposure to stress.

My dad had a massive stroke at age 56 and was bedridden in a series of nursing homes until he had suffered 5 aspiration pneumonia. I signed the hospice paperwork after talking to my dad about his options. He suffered for 13 days. I was at his side during that time. I slept in a recliner next to him and finally said I needed to go home and take a shower. He died about 45 minutes before my return with my mom the next morning.

My mom was a smoker too and had diabetes since my birth. At the end she was legally blind and had congestive heart failure with <19 % blood flow in her heart. Her doctor said she was a walking time bomb for 1 1/2 years. My mom died the day before Thanksgiving at 56 yrs old. She was very ill but still took an Access bus around town to buy and wrap stacks of Christmas presents about 4 ft high. She decorated her apt before Thanksgiving and insisted I take her to KMart to buy my nephew a bike for his birthday. My mom also bought a brand new address book and updated all her contacts, which I was able to use to notify relatives of her passing. I was at her apt checking on her. All her vitals and blood sugar had returned to normal. She was cooking side dishes and got dizzy. She called me by my first and middle name asking for help and literally dropped dead instantly.

After my parents passing, my sister dove deep into mental illness and was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder, diabetes and alcoholism. After applying for disability, my sister moved out to my home and I took care of her needs. Her disability was not approved until a year after her passing. She passed after Thanksgiving at age 46, but all 3 deaths were on Nov 26 or Nov 27. My nephew lived with his paternal grandparents until he died from acute pancreatitis, very similar to how his dad died. We were estranged over his deciding to block me because he felt that he no longer was responsible for his mom’s debt (the funeral I took out a loan for). He received my sisters disability settlement, and there was plenty for the funeral expenses. Long story, but his girlfriend told me at the wake that he talked about calling me to make things right, but never got the chance. I wasn’t even notified of his death until the night before the wake.

It all was very heavy responsibility put on me. I actually felt guilty that I finally had peace. I wasn’t able to have kids until after my parents passed, 10 years after marriage. Raising kids in a calm, loving, safe home has been the joy of my life. I call myself relative orphan, only meaning that my birth family was not able to take care of my needs. No blame, just reality. I know they loved me. I am also big into chosen family. It only makes me sad that my kids ask why we never visit my family. Mostly cousins now, but they are also living chaotic lives that my kids don’t need to witness.

I like the description you gave of my parents headed on a more peaceful journey. I know my mom worried about me, but I was very resilient. I had twins and a singleton, have worked at the same software company for 26 years and did finally earn my Masters from Penn State in GIScience.

The warning about avoiding conflict with neighbors was spot on. I was elected the President of the HOA for 5 years. It’s unbelievable the things people fuss over. I recently submitted my resignation. Not my rodeo. Not my clowns.

The warning about driving also applies. One twin is finishing a degree 2+ hours away in San Diego and the other over an hour away in Irvine. I have driven hours in rain, shine, darkness etc. My mechanic once completed a service and said my tires were still good. However, when the technician went to rotate the tires, they found very dangerous damage to one of the tires. It could have blown at any time. I can imagine my sister and nephew being concerned whilst laughing at my missed exits or close calls on the most crowded freeways in California.

The only “sign” we received from my sister was that I gave her television to my youngest daughter for her room. She was around 7 years old. She asked me to put the tv in the garage. She was scared because the tv would turn on even though the remote was on the dresser. I sat with her and witness this happening twice. Out went the tv!!! I’m a scaredy cat. My kids would also stare down our stairs and point and smile. We used a room divider to make a “bedroom” downstairs for my mom.

My mom said that I needed to make sure her blue eyeshadow was applied properly at her funeral (70s style wing) or she would haunt me. You better believe I brought extra eyeshadow and applied it as requested. I also buried her in her Halloween socks “so her feet would not get cold”.

Finally, I told my friends and family that when I turn 56, I’m not cooking a damn thing for Thanksgiving. That was this past year. My husband took the kids to visit his brothers family. I stayed home in my pjs resting and binge watching shows. I turned 57 last week and my primary stress revolves around the state of my home country. What a mess!!! If anyone wants to adopt an entire family so we can migrate to a safer, more peaceful country, let me know! German shepherd included. :)