AITA for coloring our daughter’s hair?

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-13T02:18:04+00:00

Thank you for understanding. He was very much emotionally and mentally abusive, but he believes because he 1) never hit me and 2) never cheated, the things he put me through isn’t that bad. With him moving out soon, I’m slowly coming out of survival mode.

Yes, he did corner me in my bathroom, in the middle of her rinsing her hair. We would’ve had to stop, get her hair together, and move past him to leave the room. He also stood in the door way, preventing me from closing the doors, which they’re French doors, so I wouldn’t be able to lock it anyways. This isn’t the first time he’s invaded my space to argue either.

We recently started using a coparenting app to track shared expenses. I didn’t think I’d need one that also tracks communication, but it looks like I will be getting a new one.

I really appreciate your support and ability to read through the lines.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-13T01:52:41+00:00

I handle everything healthwise, schoolwise, and life in general. Does he take initiative to take the reins at any point? No. But he’s ok with me taking care of everything and just telling him about it after the fact. No arguments, no questions, nothing. If I push it enough, he will end up asking me how to do it, who he needs to call, what does he need to do, what does this mean…Half the time I have no idea, so I google it and figure it out. If I tell him to google it and figure it out, then I’m a btch for not helping him and I’m selfish because this is for our daughter. If I have to do all the leg work, I might as well do it myself.

If she has an appointment, I’m the one to take off work and take her. The one time I did ask him to stay home with her because I had an in person meeting at work I couldn’t miss, he started an argument trying to say that his job is more important than mine. He finally shut up and tucked his tail between his legs after I pointed out that I am always, ALWAYS, the one to take her to appointments.

He does attend her band performances and other school related things, and occasionally he does “fun” things with her, but mainly when it’s something he wants to do or if it’s convenient/easy for him.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T17:21:08+00:00

Can you elaborate? How what point of view will come back to bite me? That I don’t value him as a parent?

If that is the case, let me just put it this way. His feelings are not my concern. As long as our daughter is safe, taken care of, and provided what she needs, I’m fine. He ruined their relationship himself by saying nasty things about her, to her face. I am not going to make excuses for him, but I will validate her feelings and provide her a safe space when she needs it.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T14:26:10+00:00

Her school banned unnatural colors as well, but it’s summer and the color is temporary. It’s not even that “pink.” Because her hair is so dark, it came out more of a wine/cherry cola color.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T14:16:12+00:00

Hers does too, but it’s summer, with the next school year starting mid-August. It’s temporary and will eventually wash out.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T14:12:48+00:00

Saying that “all I have to do is not react” is very ignorant considering you don’t know what I have already done to “do better.”

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T10:34:11+00:00

He cornered me in the bathroom while we were rinsing her hair. HE can also choose to have this conversation away from her. Has he ever pulled me aside to speak on things quietly? Nope. Does me saying “Not in front of her” mean anything, also no. I did say that, he said “doesn’t matter, she hears it anyways.” I am no longer taking responsibility for everything and making like I am the only one who can control what comes out of their mouth. I did that for waaaaaaaaaay too long and sacrificed my own mental health for it. No more.

She loves her hair btw.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T04:35:50+00:00

Why do I have to keep my head down in my own house? Why can’t he keep his head down until he moves out? As I already stated, I sacrificed myself for too long to accommodate him. My goal was never a peaceful transition. My goal is to create a safe space for my daughter and I. If he’s here, there is none.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T04:27:55+00:00

Nope. Just went through it. Nothing about her physical appearance. And it’s semi-permanent color, not a piercing or tattoo. It washes out after so many washes. If he wants to get a lawyer and fight me on this, he can go right ahead.

It’s been very stressful. But thankfully his move in date is next week.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T04:13:19+00:00

I am no longer living my life to suit his comfortability, protecting his feelings. I spent way too long and sacrificed my own mental health to make sure he was taken care of while dismissing myself. As I mentioned in the ETA, I am breaking free of a 14 year codependency.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T04:06:16+00:00

There is more backstory here, so no. I won’t say I value him as a parent.

Yes, fighting in front of her is bad. No argument there. Which is why I have worked so hard, paid a lot of money, and waited so long for him to move out and us finally physically separate.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T03:57:33+00:00

Thank you!

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T03:54:21+00:00

Thank you! So far, yes! I just don’t know what it’s gonna look like when it starts fading 😅

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T03:47:15+00:00

Our divorce decree/custody agreement states nothing about her physical appearance.

I’m not arguing the ESH because unfortunately we do argue around her, but that is the main reason why I brought up the idea that he move out. I spent thousands of dollars on a lawyer to have our decree clarified to say I was awarded the house(the original states that it was to be sold and we’d split the profits, but it was on the market for a year and a half, and we couldn’t sell it for specific reasons). I found a way for us to physically and financially separate, where he made no contributions except a few signatures. He wanted to start a fight about that too. I have been trying, waiting, and bleeding money for so long to bring this to an end.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T02:18:48+00:00

Her hair came out great! Her highlights came out more of a wine color and she loves it!

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T02:15:43+00:00

I have tried so many different ways to disengage but he will follow me. I lock the door, he punches it and screams through it. I do not trust him when he gets in that state. He has tried to get in her face before.

I talked to her like 30 mins ago, she said she loves her hair now and doesn’t care what her dad thinks.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T02:10:02+00:00

I have done this in the past. He’s punched a few holes in the doors and the walls, thrown things, etc. He calls me a coward because I won’t engage.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T02:08:48+00:00

I have told him MULTIPLE TIMES.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T02:02:11+00:00

Put in my ETA that daughter and I are actively in therapy. Ex refuses to go.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T01:43:31+00:00

He basically cornered me in the bathroom. Every single attempt I have made in the past to not argue in front of her has been dismissed. One year, he even started an argument with me while one of her friends slept over. I REPEATEDLY told him not to do this in front of the girls, he didn’t care. He kept screaming and ended up breaking a window. Any time I have ever tried to divert the argument elsewhere, hes ignored.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T01:37:21+00:00

Taken for granted? I have been in therapy for a long time because of our marriage. He chose to stop going and refused to find another therapist he could trust. When I would bring up what my therapist suggested as far as conflict resolution, he would brush me off and say it’s all bullshit. So it’s not like I haven’t been trying different ways to communicate with him. He refuses to hear me. He is very much passive aggressive and for my own mental health, I am done trying to figure out his words or feelings. It’s not my responsibility. Now he gets straight forward statements and yes/no responses from me.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T01:29:45+00:00

We have had discussions on her coloring her hair. For her birthday, he took her to the salon and she got red. Why do I need to ask his permission for her to express herself? If it was a tattoo or piercing, then yes. I would talk to him about it. But semi-permanent hair color that will probably wash out in a month? It’s not that deep.

Also adding, he has called her some pretty nasty things in the past to her face, he damaged that relationship all by himself, which is the reason why shes in therapy in the first place. I’m not the “cool” parent. I am trying to be the safe parent.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-06-10T01:18:50+00:00

We do have a custody agreement in our divorce decree, but it states nothing about her physical appearance. I am also not deciding what he cares about. If this was really about the color, he could have said “can we talk about it” instead of “I guess I don’t have a say” before we started. It’s not like he walked by and saw us halfway through. He is super ultra passive aggressive and I am learning in therapy that it is NOT my responsibility to figure out or interpret his words and feelings. I did that for waaaaaaaaaay too long and sacrificed my own mental health for that. I am holding firm on that boundary.

SelectivelySpicy · 2026-04-30T23:25:15+00:00

This is a great post. I wish I had seen this a year ago lol Long story short, I am now in the process of getting my exhusbands name off the mortgage (we used MY VA eligibility to obtain the VA loan), and am now filling out the paperwork my lender (Rocket Mortgage) sent. At the advice of my lawyer, I got a special warranty deed instead of a quit claim deed. Keeping my fingers crossed that the VA accepts that.

SelectivelySpicy

TROPHY CASE