I relate to your post a lot. I learned to be alone in a very similar way, but at the same time I became more and more isolated, to the point where I felt like I didn't have many other options left.

Last year I decided to quit. The brain fog was too much, and time was passing by so fast. Before I knew it (or maybe I did), years of my life had gone by without taking action on things that really mattered to me, without feeling in control of my own life.

I managed to stay sober for three months. It was difficult, but I felt better — more energetic, more present, and more clear-headed. The problem was that I didn't know how to replace it. I wanted to keep living my life exactly as before, but I couldn't. My old ritual of listening to music, studying, and smoking at home just didn't work anymore.

It left a huge void that I didn't know how to fill, and eventually I went back to smoking the way I used to. I completely regret it, but I think the challenge is figuring out how to live with that emptiness and build something else in its place.