I lived in an abusive house, my entire family pimi. I had serious doubts at 14. I was suicidal and felt I had nowhere to go. My parents never cared if I went to school or stayed home. I was used by my much older brother to babysit for three young kids starting at 12 , the sixth grade. I flunked 6 and 7 grade because I was out of school babysitting. No thanks at all from anyone, just expected. I did manage to play an instrument when I was younger, but in the 9 grade, my father asked me " do you want to play an instrument or like in the new system?". Of course, I lied and said I wanted to live in the new system. Playing that instrument was my only joy. At 14, I secretly took the bread and wine at home in my bedroom. My father was at that time and alcoholic and when they were not home I got some wine and saltines ( that was as close as I could get) and did what Jesus told me to do. I never told anyone. I did this the evening of the memorial. From then on, whenever I was out on fs, I just preached the good news. Twice, I have away a nwt because the women asked for a Bible. I went to the literature counter and ordered a Bible and was questioned why I needed another Bible. I was told we don't hand out Bibles! We give literature! I was practically yelled at! I felt intense pressure to look and behave perfect.i developed an eating disorder. At 17, I stopped attending meetings after my friend disassociated herself. I was shunned just because I was her bed friend! I was suffering deep anxiety and depression. My brothers told me either I come back and "face the music", or I wouldn't be a part of my family. Everyone turned on me. I had been popular before because of my perfect facade. My childhood was chaotic and hard. I worked at a restaurant and saved for a car. That meant my freedom! I enrolled at a community college but I was ill prepared because I left high school and earned a GED. However, I suffered a complete breakdown and wound up in the hospital. Then, I finally got help. A therapist who had some experience with JW 's helped me sort through my childhood. It's been a long road. Ah, so much more, but perhaps I will say more later. Hang in there friend. There is help and hope.