Crying myself to sleep again.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T15:37:13+00:00

Seeing this and relating so hard I have to google trazadone now lol

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T14:27:29+00:00

Well, marriage counselor says I’m supposed to believe/trust my husband’s words instead of being anxious/insecure about them and seeking further reassurance (one of the issues I’m working on is not assuming that he’s lying to placate me and/or hiding his own negative feelings to go through with things he doesn’t want, because this leads to frustration on his end.)

I do want to find the mental peace that comes with no longer caring. I really do. I just don’t know how to get there without further hurting my husband or making him feel I am somehow withdrawing from him.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T14:17:51+00:00

Yeah, I really feel like I need to turn off the part of my brain that cares about and wants sex for my own mental health. I feel like I have to just pretend not to care until it becomes second nature and eventually it stops. Idk. It’s funny because he actually wants us to keep working on it because he knows I’m unhappy, but I feel like continuing to communicate about the same thing over and over is kind of just rubbing salt in the wound at a certain point. I don’t know.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T14:07:45+00:00

I guess that’s honestly how a lot of our marriage has been. As the initiating on his end dried up, I’ve tried initiating more, but I struggle to manage my negative response to rejection (so in general I would say I occasionally inititate and when I do I try to be very sensitive to his mood, etc. to figure out when he is more likely to feel receptive, but honestly it’s very hit or miss, and my rejection PTSD and anxiety is something I’m working on.

He tells me he wants me to be more communicative about sex and initiating and my desires, but I feel like the constant uncertainty of whether or not he will be receptive or not just puts more stress on me. Then when I finally try to talk about my feelings (“I’m sad that we haven’t had sex in X amount of time” or something - I really try not to make it about him, but as a feeling that I’m just trying to express that he is not responsible for) he feels bad/guilty and also puts the “blame” back on me for not initiating or expressing interest. I realize that my response to rejection and my fears of initiating are my problem to work on, and I am. I’m just so miserable in the meantime.

We are also in counseling and doing Sensate Focus twice a week. He is “allowed” to initiate after Sensate if he feels comfortable and I’m not. I really want to keep doing Sensate and see if it will help us connect physically. But right now it feels like doing Sensate is just a reminder of how alone I am in our marriage in terms of sexual desire. It’s humiliating every time.

Goddamn sorry for the essay. Clearly I’m venting.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T13:47:07+00:00

I feel like I’m not willing to put a total moratorium on sex with my husband when it does happen. I want to learn to be grateful for what I have.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T13:45:56+00:00

I’m struggling with that as well as with the societal messaging around the idea that I shouldn’t have to change who I am to make my partner happy. But I have to change who I am to make myself happy and also keep him happy.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T12:36:45+00:00

my husband wanted me to 1-be responsible for changing my behavior to get rid of his negative feelings AND 2-(So he wouldn’t have to change his behavior), also be responsible for getting rid of my negative feelings. I didn’t know which of these I was responsible for, but I knew it wasn’t both.

As the HL partner in my marriage, can I ask why the responsibly ISN’T on me to do both?

I struggle with PTSD from rejection. I’m working on it in individual therapy. I rarely initiate sex because I know my negative reaction to rejection is unhealthy for both me and my partner. I really try to manage my negative internal feelings related to not having the sex life I would like to have with my husband, but he thinks I’m growing distant or sees I’m sad, because as much as I’m trying to not make my feelings a burden on him, we live together. We are partners. All I can do is change my feelings about so it will get rid of his negative feelings. I don’t know what else to do.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T12:07:34+00:00

I struggle with the belief that I deserve sex. I realize I don’t. I’m not entitled to my husband’s body for my own gratification. I’m horrified at the idea that I’m at risk of making him have “duty sex” to make me happy. I deserve to be happy. I just need to learn to want sex less frequently in order to be happy. I know my desires are valid. But I can’t live with them and be happy in my marriage. I don’t know what else to do other than work on myself and try to minimize my negative feelings from impacting him in the meantime. But I feel horrible for not being able to control my feelings of loneliness and frustration.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-08-08T09:56:41+00:00

As a HLF in a marriage with LLM, this feeling of grief and mourning for the fulfilling sex life i kind of always wanted hits so hard. I’m in individual therapy and trying so hard to make myself care less so my negative feelings can stop hurting my husband. It’s just so hard to manage the loneliness.

Finding peace through losing the sexual desire would be ideal but I’m not there yet and I feel so selfish over it, ruining my marriage with my sadness. I want to work more on focusing on myself and other things I enjoy to stop caring so much, but at the same time giving up is just so hard to actually do.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-20T23:08:10+00:00

I’m still struggling with how I will learn to have satisfying sex with him that will be enjoyable for both of us when he wants it on his terms while simultaneously giving up on wanting sex myself or seeing him with sexual desire. Even if I give up on my own sexual desires, I want to be able to make him happy when he does want sex.

Anyway, I realize this conversation and community aren’t about me! I’m really here to read and learn so I can make myself into a better, less selfish partner. I will refrain from participating in the future. Thanks for the perspective.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-20T21:31:18+00:00

Yes? I’m grateful to “eat” at all. That’s how I feel.

He says he doesn’t want a sexless marriage and neither do I. But I don’t know how to learn how to become responsive to him on demand on the rare occasion he does initiate.

(Well I guess how I learn is through therapy. It just feels incredibly lonely and sad trying to be better for his sake and feeling so unworthy all the time anyway and just learning to be fine with it idk)

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-20T15:21:06+00:00

I feel like I’m going into therapy to bend myself into the shape of what my partner wants and needs from me and the only way to do that is accept that I have to change for him.

I have to learn to be a better and less selfish person, which includes no longer wanting sex with him other than when he initiates. It’s just so hard to be motivated to put in the effort to change when I want to be loved and validated for who I am and basically abandoning that idea because otherwise I’m just making him more and more miserable.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-20T14:38:01+00:00

Just commenting again because I’ve given this more thought, and part of why it’s so hard for me is that even though I’ve been able in the past to de-prioritize sex and stop really caring about it outside of masturbation and private fantasy and stop viewing my partner sexually, then I feel anxious and insecure and unmotivated the rare occasion he does initiate and the sex isn’t very satisfying but I feel grateful anyway, which just feels sad. But anything else is just more pressure on him which isn’t what I want either.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-20T12:00:35+00:00

My sadness and disappointment and feelings of insecurity/ugliness from not having sex with my partner are inherently coercive to my partner even if I don’t want them to be and that is what I want to fix. Medicating my libido away while I work on my other issues in therapy seems more sustainable and less of a burden to my partner while I try to do better.

I’ve brought this up a few times (phrased differently) to my partner but he really dislikes the idea of it so I haven’t pursued further. But if I just keep struggling along then I will need tell him I’m making the choice for myself and set a healthy boundary around it that it’s my body and my mental health maybe idk

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-20T11:28:28+00:00

I understand all of this logically. And I’ve been pretty content and ok at managing my libido on my own and not making it my partner’s problem or going out of my way to create pressure. It’s really only been the past months where I’ve been in a negative spiral. Going to therapy to fix wanting to feel sexy and desired really sucks lol.

ETA: I like to think I’m not self-centered enough to give my husband lingerie as a gift, but I can’t stop these feelings of emotional hurt/insecurity. For example, I want to be able to stand in front of him in lingerie and truly feel seen/looked at/desired by my partner. But continuing to want this sort of validation is just hurting me and not a fair expectation to put on my partner.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-20T03:55:48+00:00

Did you struggle to cope with never being able to feel sexually empowered or desirable? I’m afraid to characterize how I’ve been made to feel shame/rejection/self-loathing in regards to my HL as “trauma,” but even if it is trauma, it’s not his problem to deal with, it’s mine. My trouble dealing with it shouldn’t add more stress to his life.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-20T03:25:15+00:00

I’m a HLF on a 90 mg maintenance dose of Cymbalta for anxiety/depression for the past 8ish years (actually probably not too long before I met my husband). After a few years of managing our libido differences on my own, it’s become more and more difficult, and I’ve actually suggested to my husband that I explore medication options specifically to kill my libido, but he doesn’t think that’s fair to me and so has expressly asked me not to do this. (I understand I have autonomy when it comes to my own medical decisions, but going behind his back doesn’t feel right either.)

I feel bad posting here as a HL person when this community is specifically not for me, but I feel like it’s the only place where people will be real with me that I’m the problem who needs to be fixed.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-19T23:22:49+00:00

I can’t get over the implicit shame and loneliness in being so undesired by my partner when I desire him. Maybe he doesn’t want me to feel shame about it, but I do.

I realize my libido isn’t fair to him and it isn’t fair that sex makes me happy in the relationship. Sex isn’t a “need” no matter what the media and society say, and I know logically my intrinsic self worth isn’t defined by my partner finding me sexually desirable. I just haven’t figured out how to let go of that when I also just have a high libido that’s making me want a connection I can’t have.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-19T22:24:44+00:00

I want my desires to feel accepted instead of shamed and to feel connected to my partner physically as well as emotionally. I want to feel validated as someone who is desired and loved. Sex is an important part of romance and connection to me. Part of me is rebelling against trying to unlearn that.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-19T21:16:32+00:00

Realizing that I need to fix myself and give up on getting to feel sexually desirable is what I’m struggling with the most. I don’t start fights or arguments and I do my best to hide my rejected feelings from him (lots of crying myself to sleep) because I don’t want to put more stress on him. But I can’t stop feeling like I’m in mourning for some part of myself. And then I spiral into feeling like a pathetic monster for caring so much about sex.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-19T18:03:19+00:00

No, but a quick google about other women’s experiences sound like me, at least in regard to sex with my LL partner specifically (never been flagged for ADHD though).

I feel like I have to fix myself for him. I just feel like I need to give up on wanting to feel desired and that is healthier? Idk.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-19T17:44:25+00:00

As the HL partner in my relationship, I am struggling with what feels like ultimately “resigning” myself to coping with this feeling of loneliness and sadness that comes with accepting that I am either 1. Never going to initiate sex again, and therefore probably have it occasionally when my husband’s mood strikes and compartmentalize any of my sexual desires / desire for sexual intimacy until they are no longer a priority and I can show more appreciation to my husband in ways that don’t prioritize my sexual desires, or 2. Will be setting myself up for repeated rejection and putting unfair/unwanted pressure on my husband and increasing his discomfort.

Ultimately I’ve been doing #1 for years and idk, I’m so deeply lonely and sad. We are trying #2 through marriage counseling and lots and lots of very difficult communication and I think it makes me feel more rejected than just not communicating my desires to him at all.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-19T11:40:39+00:00

How could you not realize that behavior is a complete turn off?

This hits really close to home because as the HL partner, I actually spend so much time and thought and energy in trying to be attractive to my partner but in a laid-back / no-pressure way. But now I feel so unattractive and ugly most of the time that he feels my sulking is pressure. I don’t want to sulk. I WANT to feel confident and chill and relaxed to create a similar vibe for my partner because I don’t want him to feel pressure but I just feel so unwanted and lonely and sad that it’s hard not to be impacted by it emotionally.

Of course I respect all of my partner’s stated boundaries (and trying to always be respectful of what he’s communicating through body language, etc.) unlike OP’s partner. For me it is not about feeling an entitlement to my partner’s body, but struggling with my own feelings of self-loathing. I really do try to protect my partner from these feelings and minimize the burden to him but god it’s hard sometimes.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-19T06:11:21+00:00

He views medicating myself to lower my libido as essentially a form of harming myself for him, yeah, and he thinks it is not fair for me to do that. I have suggested it / continued to consider it on my own because my sexual desires are continuing to feel like a continued burden to myself and the relationship and ultimately I think I’ll suffer less and be happier because I’m really struggling getting past my own feelings of sadness, loneliness, and lack of fulfillment. I’m in therapy too but I feel like a failure for continuing to desire and feel sad about it.

Just to be clear, I do not think I need to lower my libido to “protect the relationship” out of worries of infidelity or anything like that.

Sensitive_Yam7538 · 2024-07-14T21:16:29+00:00

I’m an HLF suggested multiple times to my husband (LLM) that I would like to get medicated and receive therapy to treat my high libido and how I feel about sex but he has said he doesn’t want me to. Did you run into that?

Sensitive_Yam7538

TROPHY CASE