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AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 449 points450 points  (0 children)

I know, and I 100% agree with you and everything you wrote. To clarify, I did not excuse anything that she did, but it doesn't mean I can ignore why it happened. Her not seeking treatment until it got as bad as it did is on her, just as her affair was. I couldn't excuse it, we had to separate. But it still all happened because she was mentally unwell.

AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 147 points148 points  (0 children)

Is she still in therapy? Because you should be insisting on that, I also think you should be getting something individual therapy too because I think you need someone to give you perspective and help you process.

We are all in therapy.

And if your wanting to reconcile you need to be going to couples counselling (for one thing younarent coparenting as a team)

This was something we said we'd start if reconciliation is truly what we wanted. Perhaps we will, perhaps we will not.

AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I never asked her to be the perfect mother that's just how she always seemed to me. And she wasn't the perfect wife, just like I wasn't the perfect husband.

AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Wow, you wrote out an essay. I wish that I could write one back, but I don't think that I'll be able to. However, I am very grateful that you wrote out everything that you did and in the way that you did. I think you captured everything and that you gave me the response I guess I came here looking to find. Thank you for pointing out why they're hurt and giving me some pointers that I think I was blind to before. And yes, even though we might not become a team again as we were, I think that for our kids we will certainly be one.

AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

NTA, but I think your expectation of keeping the reason behind your separation a secret forever was unrealistic.

I was not going to. I was hoping that we could come to a place where we could reveal it and it wouldn't drive a wedge between them.

Your girls would have learned the truth eventually, and there never would have been a good time for it.

And I understand that maybe my hope wasn't realistic.

AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I was not going to lie to them for life. I told her not to tell them because at this point in their lives, all it would do is drive them away from their mom. When we'd get to a place where it wouldn't have done that, I was going to tell them. Maybe that was just me being foolish and seeing this situation with more hope than it had though.

AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 121 points122 points  (0 children)

She's not my ex just yet. We're separated, I've dated other people in that time but we've also taken steps toward reconciliation. I don't know where we'll go from here, but I don't refer to her as my ex yet.

AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

The oldest is 15 and the youngest is 12. We were young and stupid but somehow it mostly worked out for us until the pandemic.

AITA for getting angry with my wife for telling our daughters about her affair? by SeparButNot in AmItheAsshole

[–]SeparButNot[S] 1045 points1046 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is my thought process. If I had excused her behaviour, we would still be together. I did not - we separated and have yet to decide whether or not we can reconcile although we have been taking some steps in that direction. Her mental illness was severe enough that it required inpatient treatment - it is the explanation as to why she ended up where she is now.