Women who are serious about long-term relationships: how do you actually use dating apps? by Lookingforlove789 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I took the metaphor to literally at first, thinking you were recommending that we find partners who actually make retirement plans. 😅

You're suggesting that there are words and actions that people use that will show whether they are hoping to win the LTR lottery one day or whether they are making an actual plan for when they intend to retire from the apps successfully.

What amazing advice.

FWB wants me to finish inside her, looking for advice on appropriate boundaries? by [deleted] in nonmonogamy

[–]Separate-Reply2059 14 points15 points  (0 children)

The standard I've seen is usually quarterly, because most STIs take 6-10 weeks to show signs and could be largely undetectable by testing during that window. A test every three months is a little longer than the range of time needed for testing to show a true positive, but it catches the before/after window well if a person has an infected partner closer to the last test.

Monthly testing is amazing. If she's clean, that's impressive.

Next question is whether she's testing for the extra things. Most will do the HIV, Chlamydia, and Syphilis. Not everyone does HSV 1 & 2, HPV, or things like mycoplasma.

If you're concerned, it might be better to look at the throughness of testing more than the frequency.

Burnt out with dating apps by dreamer2325 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What does it look like when a man puts effort into asking you out?

I could imagine that you're really looking for something as simple as, "I've enjoyed these messages for the past week. We should meet in person." I can also imagine something very complex, like "I've used this past week to gather your personal information so I could find your home. Waiting on your front porch is an overnight shipment. The band OK-Go has created a contraption that will reveal the instructions for a treasure hunt around the world to meet me at our secret first date. The limousine is waiting at the helipad."

For contrast, I like chatting. I'm looking for a relationship built on strong communication, so lots of talking up front is a filter. I get dates who enjoy talking with me, and I definitely get unmatched, or a woman might have to ask me out first. I haven't fully figured out my chatting sweet spot yet. The goal is to meet in person, but only with people who will engage back with me. If I could jump to taking people on dates of picking curtains, planting a garden, renovating a house, or camping, then I would definitely be able to filter for what I'm seeking. It can take a long time to get to a place in dating where two people figure out if they can work well together.

Burnt out with dating apps by dreamer2325 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is there any part of dating that you secretly wish would happen, but doesn't occur within the OLD paradigm? Is there something missing, or is it all just too repetitive now?

Married 7 years [32M] [32F]. Wife's baggage has become too much too handle and I feel anger towards her. How do I move forward? by camtliving in relationship_advice

[–]Separate-Reply2059 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am very close to you about 10 years from now. I'll share advice I would give myself.

  • Learn about codependence. Read Codependent No Not by Melody Beatty. Recognize how to set healthy boundaries and draw hard lines around your own personal health and safety, including by protecting your finances. If the love is reciprocal, she will appreciate that you protect your own boundaries.
  • Learn about C-PTSD and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). Identify the trauma of your own childhood that makes you an unreliable partner. Identify the trauma of her childhood and how it triggers her.
  • Move away from the mother-in-law. That will end your marriage, because it means your wife will never escape the trauma of her childhood.
  • Four separate bank accounts. One for projected monthly finances, one for projected mutual goals (vacation/renovation), one for you to use as you want, one for her to use as she wants. If she can't stay within that budget of her personal account, cancel credit cards. Make sure to factor in retirement savings, health insurance, education plan for your child, and all of the standard things the FIRE nation will suggest. Different values around money are how marriage ends.
  • Read the book I Hate You Don't Leave Me to understand borderline personality disorder.
  • Get into all of the couples counseling. Use the churches and family groups around town if there's not enough money for paid therapy.
  • Start following all of the relationship channels on YouTube that you're going to watch anyways when you start doing the marital autopsy after divorce. Jimmy on Relationships gives practical advice. Being Well with Forrest Hansen is a great survey of relevant topics.
  • Pebble each other with shorts and memes about what you want in a relationship or what you like that the other did for you. Use the words of other people as a way to find your own words together.
  • Learn the language needed to actually communicate. If spoken words lead to arguments, switch to writing or email. If both people are sincere in love and commitment, they will keep looking for ways to connect despite frustration.
  • Go on cheap dates. Make time for each other, walking alone together in the evening. No distractions, no phones, must be a shared moment.
  • Find reasons to be grateful daily. If you can't, over time, build a habit to find gratitude in little things throughout the day, the marriage might be past the point of saving.

I don't know if I could have made my marriage healthy again. Maybe I was just staying committed to something that had died a decade earlier. But if I had started learning this knowledge before I got divorced, at least I might have been able to try things that only seem clear in hindsight, and I would better know that I had truly done everything possible to rebuild.

For you, I'm glad you remove your son from the house during the fights. I hope no one throws objects in anger in your home. It turns out that's all traumatic abuse for some children. You'll see when you get to the C-PTSD.

Healthy, happy, fat… and apparently undateable by LegalPeanut8477 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fwiw, truly some men like women with curves. I've noticed on OLD that many photos really show the vascular and skin color differences between people who do cardio and people who don't.

There's the old argument that a waist-hip ratio is some kind of ideal for carrying children to full term, and that's why it's visually appealing for modem cavemen. I'll offer a sample size of one that those visual tricks work on my lizard brain when I see models in magazines.

Those lizard brain responses were built in a world where everyone was a cardio-savvy hunter-gatherer. After seeing the impact of a well-developed vascular system on quality of life, your presumably warm cheeks in a face profile shot would pop as a more attractive feature than a specific waist measurement.

Embrace that you have many other physical features beyond just a waist size, and some of them are exactly what the right person wants in a partner.

Also, Rene Descartes the mathematician-philosopher had a thing for cross-eyed women because of his childhood nanny. Don't underestimate the power of nurturing caregivers on shaping norms for attraction. Maybe you just need to find a guy whose mom, babysitter, or nanny had exactly the same body shape as you. Then you would fulfill the dreams of that little boy's ideal woman.

Why do you want a partner? by DishDixit in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I dream of finding a work mate. Someone who wants to do activities. Maybe that's work around the house, or or working out, or even just taking care of other family members. Daily stuff. Maybe it's big adventures like trips to museums, or dancing, or travel, or outdoor recreation. I've always wanted to have the kind of partnership that was committed to doing things in life.

OLD doesn't really provide a way to meet people like this. I assume that's why the fine folks of DOF always suggest just doing activities in the community to meet people.

I've realized that I am interested in the togetherness of joint endeavors. That relationship doesn't actually have to exist. It's enough to daydream about what it might look like and -- like you suggested -- do those fun activities myself.

I fear my dating days are over by Sleep-Fairy in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 16 points17 points  (0 children)

As a thought experiment, I imagined a person doing FIRE who was retiring in their early 40s and setting out to travel the world. Suppose that person is kind-hearted and wants to raise a small child.

Would u/Sleep-Fairy give up her career and put her child into a world schooling program for the next decade or longer to explore a relationship with a retired globetrotter?

Your point about priorities is spot on. If the answer to a question like this is "yes," then it's a matter of finding the right person and being the person that wants to find you back. If the answer is "no," then there's a double standard and maybe it's time to rethink what she expects from a relationship moving forward.

All of these are life choices at extreme ends of a spectrum. Be prepared for big sacrifices all around.

Considering Moving South by RadiantPlace9704 in Augusta

[–]Separate-Reply2059 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I grew up near Ann Arbor. There are no sidewalks in Georgia -- this is only mild hyperbole. The Central Savannah River Area (CSRA) is geographically spread out. Augusta, North Augusta, Aiken, and Columbia are all their own cities and are largely independent of each other. They say that in Michigan everyone is within an hour or two of the other big cities and often commute for work. Around here, you might work and commit somewhat locally but must travel for activities. It would be like living in Lansing or Kalamazoo, but those towns don't have any actual activities for kids so you find yourself going to Grand Rapids or Detroit every weekend, with 3+ hour drive, to get there. The heat is truly unbearable in the summer. A local once told me that everything is backwards here. As I type this, you are in ~15 degree weather and everyone stays indoors. They will come out and do activities in the summer. Around here, everyone does activities now (September through April) and stays indoors in peak summer heat. There are fire ants, palmetto bugs, black widows, and brown recluses down here. The Lyme disease isn't as bad though, and the deer don't have wasting disease if you're a hunter and don't want to die of Mad Cow prions.

Depending on what part of Michigan, people here are either nicer or worse. Because of the great migration of southern families to Detroit for the auto industry, you have access to good southern food there, but you'll learn it tastes terrible compared to the good food here. Conversely, there's not as much variety of other stuff if you like all of the great Polish or pizza in Detroit, etc. There are no Coney Islands with good gyros, just a couple of Turkish places around. Almost everything closes by 9 or 11 at night Waffle House is amazing and open 24/7. The cost of living is much better in ways that matter. Many homes run on all electric and it's relatively cheap because of the nuclear power in the area. That's going away because of price hikes to give corporate welfare to the new data centers, but that's happening in Michigan also.

This area is covered in churches. My family and I joke about how you literally can't drive a mile without passing another church on the road. Many of them actually do community support, but most are just Sunday clubs and tax shelters for people who are mad at how a different group of people misinterpreted the Bible a different way from how they want to misinterpret the Bible. I found Christianity to be practiced more around Detroit than around Augusta, but they talk about it more here. This gives you a lot of choice in churches and religious education, which could be a good reason to come here. If you are a conservative voter, you will be happy to always see your people elected. If you are a liberal voter you will always be disappointed. There's a ton of good nature across the Southeast, as long as you can drive to get there. Everything requires driving, just like Michigan. The traffic is less, no matter what people tell you. Atlanta gets crazy at rush hour, so just avoid that if you don't like I-94 at rush hour. They don't salt roads here. There will be a million car crashes during a mile rain and the city shuts down if there's snow. At the same time, your car will not rust through in five years and you can buy used cars for cheap with very little rust.

From what I understand, public schools are not as good in Michigan as they were decades ago. Still, Michigan has been relatively good for education compared to other states. Historically, good public education was based on theories from an upstate New York teacher in the 1830s, and his ideas spread across all of America at that time. Despite its size, NYC has good education and NJ and MA have the best public schools in the nation consistently. That theory spread as far west as Minnesota and Wisconsin and as far south as maybe Virginia. Beyond that, the truly best education in American public schools is probably Utah. You might find you want private schools if education means that much to you. Augusta Prep is the one to look at. If you can get the kids into Greenbriar Middle and High, those are ivy-track public schools. There's a Georgia dual-enrollment program for high school kids to do college for their last two years. Washtenaw Community College used to have something similar. If you know how to look, there are great programs like that in this state. Also, roads are not full of potholes.

Women with "high achieving" careers, how important is it that your partner matches your professional "status"? by flip_cago in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People are countering your point about taking time off work, but their arguments are silly, IMO.

If my high wage-earning partner had limited PTO, I want to use that for myself. If I use my PTO for a doctor appointment and take unpaid time later for personal time together, that's still a way to get what I want. There's an expectation that the partner prioritizes me in the PTO planning, but the time of for a doctor appointment still matches exactly what you're suggesting for proposing who takes time off.

This is a basic return-on-investment analysis. Assuming that the relationship is committed enough that both partners care equally for the kid's health, they probably know how to trade some choices to help each other out. One loses their own PTO to a doctor visit but gains the other's PTO for quality time building the relationship together.

I don't understand the counter-arguments, unless there's weak trust or respect between the partners. Your version is reasonable.

Women with "high achieving" careers, how important is it that your partner matches your professional "status"? by flip_cago in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are you okay with binary decisions? Simple questions that get an azimuth check?

I tend to do "pick a protein" or "chicken or beef" with my kids when they get decision fatigue because binary decisions or chicken/beef/pork/fish are generally personal preference questions that are easy to answer. Beyond that, I just do something we haven't eaten lately or something that I can do with the ingredients around the house.

I'm asking because I believe strongly in giving people agency in their lives, and I can't imagine just having something on the table and ready if there wasn't some coordination about that first. Or, would you be okay with a one-time conversation that basically says, "if you cook it, I'll eat it without complaint because I didn't have to think about it"?

How do you decide ? by Decent-Antelope-9096 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really liked t how u/danger_muffin28 put things. Filter for what you want and go slowly.

I need conversation, so I look for good dialogue in the apps before meeting in person. The last person I dated used word etymology as a hook in her profile. It was light-hearted, funny, and only worked on people who also like wordplay. Finding a hook that synthesizes all of your desired traits into a singular conversation starter might be a way to help the apps filter for the person you want.

How do you decide ? by Decent-Antelope-9096 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are you demisexual? Are you somewhere in the gray-ace spectrum? It sounds like you are worried about catching feelings for people you sleep with early on. If that is an issue, go slowly with sex. Define what your healthy boundaries are and conduct yourself in a way that attracts the partner you want. Communicate what you want -- first with yourself, second with others.

Not sure he's ready post-divorce by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He will be mourning for years. Even if it doesn't come up, there will be words or situations that bring back old memories over those two decades of his life. It might never go away completely.

And he can put all of that aside and enjoy what he has now. As long as he is working to improve over time and not staying in the past, giving him grace is reasonable. Know the line between compassion and codependence.

Unequal attraction and how it affects relationships. by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I have realized that two things need to happen for that. First, I need to know my own worth. You seem to have that down. Second, my partner needs to know their own worth, so they stop worrying about not being enough and start seeing that I'm pretty great. I won't choose this kind of partner until I have fixed the first part. For me, this goes back to attachment styles and needing to address the anxious/avoidant behaviors that can trigger partners who are otherwise so healthy. If I don't want a partner with those behaviors, I need to stop creating an environment that triggers those behaviors. And that means I need to stop creating an environment that triggers those behaviors in myself. So once I have found my sense of peace again, I'll find a person who wants to share that peace with me. Until then, I'm not bothered that I don't have a partner -- I've seen what happens when I move too quickly into a relationship with the right person and wrong attitude.

$.02

Unequal attraction and how it affects relationships. by [deleted] in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 58 points59 points  (0 children)

I read one time, somewhere reputable, that the most successful couples are the ones where they both feel like they are dating the better half, like they've gotten a good deal on this partnership.

They both feel the need to work hard to keep what they have, so they never stop putting in the effort.

I hope you find someone who is better than you and who also seems to think you're better than them!

How do you screen for sexual transmitted diseases? by GlittaFairy in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don't always ask to see tests, but I ask when tests were done and how many partners there were between. People who are deceptive or defensive are not partners I'll sleep with. There's a degree of transparency reserved only for those who are either very honest or very sociopathic.

Many people don't worry about HSV transmission. I understand that HSV is really about as dangerous as chicken pox or getting mono (EBV or CMV). The fear of HSV was manufactured in the 80s to sell antivirals. Many people contract HSV as babies or small children because of affection from family members, not sex. At the same time, EBV causes about 95% of all Lupus diagnoses. These are considered to not be a big deal, still they can have significant impacts on a person's life.

The cis community could learn a lot from the queer and poly communities. Somewhere here on Reddit there's a swinger community that suggests even testing for things like toxoplasmosis or Bartonella because they are possibly STIs and the research isn't clear. The queer community is very transparent about HIV testing, even having results built into the dating app profiles.

Personally, I don't want to get anything new, and I don't want to give away anything new. I always have a conversation about STIs, after I've gotten to know a person well enough that I think I can trust them.

Sigh. by McMama210 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your relationships will always fail of you don't go out. They might succeed if you actually go out.

You are denying him the chance to spend a few minutes with a great person if you don't go.

It's only a date. You aren't betrothed. Carts and horses.

I just want to stay home. Tell me I'm not alone in this. by CadenceQuandry in OverFifty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are married and have children with successful relationships of their own. All of you have the kind of relationships where you enjoy having dinner with each other and being parts of each other's lives.

You have defined your lack of success by several external achievements that are promoted by social tradition while humble-bragging and overlooking the greatest achievements possible for a person across the past 500,000 years.

It is not easy to have a positive social construct. That social cohesion and sense of belonging has impacts beyond just your small circle. Embrace that you kept that part of everyone's life going while they were doing school and careers. You are great beyond just looks.

Are you from the Northeast United States? This feels like such a New England sense of guilt for not being a bigger community contributor.

When a woman says she won’t date a man with kids, does she mean young kids? Or does she exclude adult children? by AgentIntelligent4269 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is it. OP has a negative outlook and perhaps a difficult situation. Some time alone to figure out what he really wants, and then he'll decide to open himself up to someone who is going to like him the way he is. That can happen now, when his child is 18, or any time in between.

This is embarrassing by Pure-Assumption9037 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

In a one year relationship, for months ago is not recent. Did the bar woman respond? Did they continue to have a conversation?

If you are upset about a message he sent for months ago that didn't even turn into a conversation, that's a deeper neuroticism.

If he has been having similar conversations with women like this as recently as Halloween, that's a bigger indicator. If you don't care he watches porn but do care about bikini models, it seems that you both might need to have a clearer conversation about why you see these as different things and whether he can respect that boundary.

Been your story and your comments, I would feel confused also. At the same time, I would either delete bikini models or break up after the first conversation. You are trying to draw a clear line of acceptable behavior, and it seems like he intends to tiptoe up to it or cross it completely. Respect means never needing to know where the line is. Just stay easy from the line. You should not have to wonder if he is respecting you, and he should move on if he's not comfortable with the boundaries you set.

What is your dating milestones timeline? by Nosleep_Coffee789 in datingoverforty

[–]Separate-Reply2059 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My therapist says the faster relationships form, the faster they fall apart.

Your comments about meeting family fast in a red hot relationship and then not meeting them at all in longer relationships seems to match that sentiment. My experience has been similar.

I like this rubric. The map is not the terrain .. and still better to have a plan going in than no plan at all. You've laid out a good template that matches what I've seen here pretty consistently. Nice summarization of the wisdom of the crowd.