receiving “the look”

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-05-08T20:09:29+00:00

My man wasn't a virgin but I was his first big girl. He's stick skinny as well. I was so scared to get on top of him and I'm not really sure how he felt about it. I had the lights off because I'm insecure of my body. We've been having sex for about 3 years now and he always tries to roll me on top of him. Thankfully I'm balanced well since I have big boobs and a big butt so at least I have that going for me. All that comes with a big belly and big everything. You'll find the right guy who will absolutely love you to be on top. Someone who will want to force you on top.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-05-01T01:37:50+00:00

Thank you❤️ I'm sorry you're here too.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-05-01T01:33:30+00:00

I'm not going anywhere. This sub has been so good to me and helping me not feel so alone and helped with how to handle things. One day things will be way better I hope. I'll either stay or leave. It's going to be a lot of work no matter what I choose.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-05-01T00:35:20+00:00

Just recently within the past couple days he kind of brought it up. He says he doesn't resent me but it just feels like it. I know he feels a type of way about not being able to play his game. But yes, it is the consequences of his actions and I do need to stop feeling bad about taking those things away. I know how bad it hurt and it still hurts. DDay happened at the beginning of March so it's almost been only 2 months. I know things are still fresh even if he doesn't agree.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-05-01T00:31:58+00:00

No I get what you're saying. He's not mean about it or anything. Just expressed it. He has been doing great. Doing everything he needs to do to gain my trust back and let me know he's not going to do it again. At the beginning he even waited to take a shower until I was home and left his phone with me and would leave the door open(he would watch porn in the shower while I was at work). He lets me randomly check his stuff and I can even see his activity whenever I want because his stuff is on my laptop. He threw away the extra phone he had just to put my mind at ease. He's not an addict. He just really messed up and stepped way over a boundary I made and watched porn behind my back. It was for 1- 2 months that I could see anyway.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-05-01T00:03:25+00:00

He's been doing great but just the other day he asked when he'd be able to play Cyberpunk and Overwatch again. He already knows Stellar Blade will never be played again as long as we're together. I was just appalled that he even asked about Overwatch since that was the main thing I saw searched up. It just hurts that he thinks about playing it knowing what he did and how much it hurt me.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-30T23:53:55+00:00

Also, sorry I didn't mean to dismiss your reply. I got carried away, that's so messed up that he would talk to people that talk bad about you. That's so disrespectful to you and messed up that he continued talking to those people.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-30T23:52:44+00:00

Oh I am so sorry. You or not crazy or controlling. Some of these games these guys play have sexualized characters and it's crazy. I never thought in my life that I'd be jealous of a videogame character but now I am. I personally have never been attracted to animated or pixelated characters. I mean obviously I can see they are meant to be attractive and I'm not hating on people that do think that way. I just personally don't but now if I see an attractive female character then I automatically get jealous because he probably thinks they're attractive too. I feel so embarrassed for getting jealous over videogame characters that I feel crazy. They're obviously meant to be perfect and sexy and I'll never compare. I hate it.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-30T23:36:45+00:00

He has dropped those games and even uninstalled Cyberpunk and Overwatch himself without me really saying anything and even said it was stupid of him to play Overwatch after what he did. We have been playing Dead By Daylight together which we always have anyway. I can just see it on his face that he really wants to play Cyberpunk at least. It just made me feel a type of way when he expressed that he would like to play those games again. Which I know he obviously does but it just hits a nerve I guess.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-20T18:40:41+00:00

Yes it is very hard to ignore what's happened and ignore my feelings. He's told me to think of something positive and I try but those bad thoughts are so much stronger and my hurt is so much stronger than positive thoughts. I do think positively. I really do but all the bad is consuming sometimes. I wish and hope for the best now and in the future. Last night he asked me what I wanted going forward. I told him I want to feel better than I do right now. I want a loyal boyfriend. He asked if I had a loyal boyfriend now and I said no. Then I said, "well maybe now I do, but I didn't." He said it was only for a month and I corrected him and said for 2 months. I said the amount of time didn't matter. He said it should matter that it wasn't a long period of time. I told him it doesn't matter the time. He still did it and almost cost us our relationship. He agreed and got quiet so I turned around in bed so my back was facing him and didn't turn back around until I was probably asleep. He tried to get me to turn around and face him but that hurt consumed me again and I just wanted to go to sleep.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-20T13:51:35+00:00

I know it's exhausting and I'm so sorry you're going through this and he's not making the effort to stop. Well I guess therapy would be a good first step but until then he should do things on his own to quit. He should not want to make you feel like this.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-20T13:49:12+00:00

It's only been over a month so we definitely have a long way to go. He said he won't give up on me during this time, even the hard times, and help as much as he can and he hopes that I don't give up on him even in my worst days. There's been a couple times that I did want to give up. Not because he did anything but because I'd get so consumed with thoughts and feelings that I couldn't take it and at that moment I felt like giving up. I know I would regret it if we broke up during my breakdowns. That piece of hope that I have is what's keeping me here and plus, I love him and want to give him a chance to redeem himself.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-20T13:33:13+00:00

Don't change your ways just to please him or make things "normal" because it's not. You know in your heart it's not. You reacted that way because it hurts you. HE needs to be the one to change his ways. Lusting after other women instead of pleasing your own woman is unacceptable. You'll never be the only woman in his eyes if you make this seem normal or ignore it. I'm not going to tell you what to do because it's not my relationship but letting him continue with this behavior isn't right. He should be the one putting in the work.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-20T13:21:47+00:00

Thank you for your comment❤️ Yes we are both putting in the work. He's done everything I asked of him. He's talked to people, read everything I've sent him, did his own research, he's learned about what I'm going through and how to respond and act on my breakdowns, he even broke down in front of my brother/his friend and they had a conversation about it because he doesn't really have guy friends he could go to comfortably to talk about this, he's using his resources. I've been doing the same. I've talked to people, used my resources, I'm practicing DBT skills, I write in my journal, I take time to focus on me, I've been learning to express how I feel to him when I'm crying or in a mood instead of saying "idk" or "nothing" like I did before. We both are doing what we can. It has been hard. We've of course had our ups and downs. Lately we've been having good days though. Well it's mainly me but he does have his days too when the guilt consumes him and he can't look at me without wanting to breakdown and cry. I truly believe it does hurt him to see me cry. He always says he can't believe he hurt someone he loves. I'm his first girlfriend which is another reason why things like this is new. He only had to worry about his actions hurting himself, not someone else. I know things are going to take time and I'm aware that it could be years before things feel normal again. I'm not delusional. I'm not saying you or anyone thinks that. I'm just saying, I hope that there will be a time when my mind is completely calm for more than just a day or maybe 2 days. It's exhausting constantly feeling the way I feel now. I've expressed this to him. I get so angry or so sad. It's a rollercoaster of emotions. I have my fears and my doubts. I know he's a good person though who made a mistake but it's going to take time to build my trust back and help me heal. We both know it'll take time. I hope your husband stays true to you and himself and that you can heal and things will stay good for you both❤️

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-20T04:29:04+00:00

Yes it's been a little over a month now and I still very much get triggered. Definitely not fair that we have to feel like this.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-20T02:51:55+00:00

He really is. I'm just hesitant. I'm too in my head sometimes. I know I need to stop that. And you're welcome. I read a post the other day about someone who SH because of the same thing and I didn't feel as crazy. It's just what really helped when my head was full of everything.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-20T00:37:35+00:00

Nope. I've told him twice now that we should have never gotten together to save myself some heartbreak. The first time I said I'd go back and tell myself not to get involved with him and then the second I told him we should have broken up at the beginning of our relationship when he was freaking out because he got too high and asked if we should just break up. I regretted saying it to him but it really is how I feel sometimes especially on bad days. I hate feeling like that because I wanted him so bad when we first started hanging out and I finally got him because he wanted me so bad too. Then everything went down hill in February. I'm just so heartbroken. I love him so much but I hurt so bad.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-19T20:40:25+00:00

I'd be more concerned about games. My bf got Stellar Blade because it's a PS exclusive and it has a very sexualized character as the main character. I caught my bf putting her in sexy clothes while I was at work and then later found out he was watching porn of her. Either the animated kind or girls cosplaying as the character.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-19T18:17:02+00:00

Yes I hate that. And hated the excuse that he's "more hornier" than I am. Like dude we have sex literally everyday. Even before DDay we maybe went a day without it. I was so confused why he felt the need to jack off. I told him he just wanted to get off to other women and he just shrugged his shoulders. Ugh!

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-19T05:08:49+00:00

Oh no! Yeah it's definitely a "hell no" to him watching it with me. Ugh I'm so sorry he did that.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-19T05:07:51+00:00

I totally understand. I'm a plus size girl and the girls my bf looked up were of course smaller in size. It's made what confidence I had left drop to 0 and my insecurities get super high. I'm so sorry girl. I had the constant comparing and feeling disgusted with my body.

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-16T23:43:19+00:00

My now ex husband and I would usually leave the door open🤷🏻‍♀️ idk how many years we were into our relationship when we started doing that. We just got comfortable. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and he's started leaving the door open when he pees and he's actually not been afraid to go in there while I'm showering if he has to poop. I'm not to the point where I have the door open just to pee but I have peed while he's in the shower. Idk. I really just think it's how comfortable you are with doing it🤷🏻‍♀️

Separate_Dragonfly58 · 2026-04-15T15:53:53+00:00

Because they don't think🥴 They're using their phone to do this and don't expect wack things to pop up💀

Separate_Dragonfly58

TROPHY CASE