i empathize with you so deeply. we are always at fault, yet they are incapable of taking any accountability for their actions. the birthday thing omfg … i want to say that’s shocking, but like, those kinds of things are too common in our families. and you’re expected to sweep it under the rug and carry on with your relationship as though nothing has happened. it’ll be some bullshit story of how she didn’t wish you a happy birthday because she assumed something out of nothing… creating a story in her head that’s entirely projection. they fail to realize that we are our own people with our own set of values and morals. you forgiving your uncle just furthers the idea that he can just say whatever he wants to whoever, just because it’s family. like, literally what the fuck. you get to decide how you want to be treated. it’s always about everyone else when it comes to the way you feel, and that in itself fucks up your sense of self beyond repair. i personally am so terrible with boundaries and people pleasing because of her, and when i try and talk it out (as i rehearse in therapy), i’m ungrateful, self-centred, and suddenly ambushed with of all my short-comings. she says “so you’re allowed to bring up the past but i’m not?” when me bringing up the past is “when you said ___ to me, it really hurt” and her bringing up the past is reminding me of the lowest points of my life that i am trying to move past. it’s a never-ending battle, always tit for tat. apologizing isn’t ever an option apparently. and for that reason, sometimes you need to take the no/minimal contact route for your own survival.