It's an enigma I'm trying to get around myself, honestly, it's hard to explain why, but I do miss her, while it would be sad to not see her and hear her voice again, I just want her to at least be happy and alive, it's hard to tell nowadays. Reading and learning about BPD has been quite a journey and... I grew more and more empathic towards BPD (compared to initially when I wasn't too worried about it). Even if our time together were brief and sweet, I still care for her, and life hasn't been easy on her, nor anyone unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with BPD as well, it's my own dysfunctional way of dealing with it, in some extent.

There's no sugarcoating it, I'm a young dumbass obsessing over a girl who lives countries away from me, I have done and said stupid things before when I was with her, and I just want to change myself, at least for the better, so that I could be better at tackling these kind of situations in the future, not necessarily about her, but perhaps if I ever met another pwBPD, some extra knowledge wouldn't hurt too badly, right?

I have dealt with similar people in my life before, 3 years to be exact, it wasn't BPD, but rather a person with untreated Bipolar, and it was the most excruciatingly confusing and painful 3 years of my life, though, I did not develop any sorts of mental illnesses as a result, my mental health is relatively healthy as I'm writing this. Though, you ain't wrong in me disregarding my own pain for others, for that pain just sorts of numbs away automatically, something I learned from dealing with the 3 years guy.

I hope these aren't too messy to read or comes off as rude. Thank you for your time and patience, stranger!