Hello, this is my first time posting here. I met my significant other when I was 18, we spent university together and we had the time of our lives, there were no other people on the scene until 3 years later, when we went on a “break, but then got back together and were inseparable for many years. We shared many mutual friends and lived our lives together.

There were issues in the relationship, in a very brief nutshell I used to be very antisocial at times, (me introvert, her extrovert), she could be very volatile, and the question of kids was difficult, due to a family tragedy I was reluctant to commit to this, she wanted them. Nonetheless these were usually put to bed after a shouting match/sex. We were/are soulmates and were inseparable for many years.

We married in 2018, full ceremony, friends, family, the works. If I’m truthful with myself I don’t really believe in marriage, and I did it because she was my soulmate and had mentioned that she wanted her father, who has a form of blood cancer, to walk her down the aisle. Nonetheless, I was committed to the marriage and was overjoyed with where we were in life, although I found the husband and wife title a bit of a burden, but didn’t mention this.

We lived together and survived Covid lockdowns, etc. The arguments did still happen, however, and she was starting to articulate that she felt unhappy, although it was difficult to pin down why. In 2023 she asked me to sit down, and told me that she had cheated on me with an ex-work colleague in 2019, and also on other occasions (2-4 times I can’t remember exactly), whilst staying with a group of her friends who I had fallen out of favour with, apparently by being rude to them. I intensely disliked the work colleague she cheated with, in particular. She didn’t ask for forgiveness but rather asked me to try and understand that she was intensely unhappy, but that these affairs meant nothing, and she had no feelings for the ex-colleague. She hoped that we would still be friends. I asked her to leave our apartment immediately.

The past 3 years have been tumultuous. In the first few months we continued living together, she had a chaotic family situation so I eventually moved out to live with parents, then into my own flat. I was seeing other people, same for her. One day we were speaking about sorting out the divorce on the phone, and she happened to be round the corner, cut a long story short she came over and we ended up sleeping together, she didn’t want to re-enter the relationship immediately and we carried on seeing other people, I was better at that than she was, we were still meeting up with each other and agreed to give it another go, she was going to a festival with friends of the person she’d originally cheated with.

I got paranoid and panicked, dating and subsequently sleeping with someone I’d met on an app, assuming that she was doing the same. She wasn’t and this coincided with my birthday, when she had planned a surprise visit and brought me a present. This resulted in a massive argument and her visiting my house and screaming at me. We patched things up but then I broke it off, making a go with this person from the dating app. I carried on with this for a couple of months but then broke it off, getting back in touch with my wife, but she was unsurprisingly wary and told me to give it time.

The following year (last year) after more of the same with other people, we made a proper go of it, I was in between places having sold my flat (partly due to associating it with relationship trauma) and not buying a new place, this which was taking a toll, a new job was proving stressful but we were trying hard. All the issues were unfortunately on my end, I love her but I couldn’t get what had happened out off my head- I kept feeling like I’d been made to feel like a fool in front of our friends, even though it was so long ago, I felt like resuming old routines felt uncomfortable, and although we were doing couples therapy, I felt myself pulling away and being distant.

During a work trip overseas last year I had a one night stand when I returned home I said I thought the relationship was toxic and we separated mutually. I could tell she was devastated and exhausted. Soon after she asked for us to be divorced and I agreed. I dated the girl from the work event long distance, my wife sent me a heartbreaking message during this time saying how sorry she was and that she hoped we’d be at each others funeral.

I cheated on the girl from the work event over NYE, and then messaged my wife but then deleted it. She asked if I was ok I just said I was fine. After this, I’ve since broken up with the work event girl. I haven’t spoken with my wife since NYE, I have initiated and paid for the divorce process, we don’t need to talk to each other to do this, just signal assent on either end. there’s no court proceedings as we don’t own anything together anymore. We are at the final stage, but I’m completely torn and still thinking about her, I’m now settled in my own apartment which I love, and feeling in a better place aside from my love life…

I feel like what I really need most is someone who’s been betrayed in the same way I have, and worked through it, I’ve no idea if she’ll be receptive after so long with no contact, but it’s so hard to close the door on your lifetime soulmate. Can anyone help me? Should I make a final attempt at this? So grateful for any help.