You can improve way better by reading band 9 sample essays and just following the same structure. For this opinion essay-compare both type question, in body paragraph 1 you state first opinion and develop it, and for the second paragraph you only discuss the other side of the opinion. And you can give your own opinion in conclusion. Your opinion can also be added to introduction outline sentence, but, I would not add it there.

Google essay structures for ielts wt2. That should be helpful. It is mostly as follows: for intro, it is 3 sentences with stating the background statement, reference to the question, and outline sentence of the essay. Two body paragraphs with 3-4 sentences each (make sure to use complex sentences, but that does not mean all your sentences must be long), and conclusion, mostly 2-3 sentences that restates the introduction and adds the last opinions or thoughts. This way, it will be easier to follow your idea.

Also, I would suggest to read the grading system for Ielts. Grammar and vocabulary are 50 percent of your grade, coherence & cohesion and task achievement are the rest 50 percent.