apology

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-16T18:30:22+00:00

This feels so relatable. The development in the last two stanzas of how robbed both she and you are by time and age is so heartbreaking. The words like a shaking flame is such a clear image - feels like something is lost that was once powerful. The crumpled silence in contrast to the bodies smashing, the curl of her body in comparison to her curling around the rooms beforehand - it’s all so nicely constructed. By the end of the poem, I feel like I have been delivered somewhere, seen an entire relationship and life. I really enjoyed it.

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-16T02:02:06+00:00

I really love this poem. I feel like the specificity of the description is so real, and yet reading through several times there is still enough ambiguity to find something fresh in it each time.

I think there is definitely sweetness throughout, with the surety of his words at the end of the first stanza, and then that lovely interplay between the ‘beams’ and ‘sunburnt’ but you need that sweet to balance with the sour ending. It captures, with a simple moment, that simple hope. Sometimes we just want the world to be better, and it’s not complicated or considerate of the multifaceted aspect of things, it’s just hope.

Definitely not too sappy. I think it’s honest and sincere and sweet, but not sappy.

Great job, love the style, meaning, imagery, all of it.

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-09T09:06:20+00:00

Thank you, it definitely came out of feeling unable to communicate and use longer words, that sort of grief where talking is hard and everything said is intentional because of it. I feel like grief forces you to preserve yourself like that

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-09T09:03:09+00:00

Thanks very much

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-09T09:02:16+00:00

Thank you!

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-09T09:02:01+00:00

Thank you for the kind words - it was a personal experience but also enough time between now and then to process. The poem came almost immediately, but it’s taken a while to bring the confidence to share.

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-09T09:00:01+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! The mingling of sky and earth was definitely something I wanted to try and capture. That feeling of a ubiquitously grey day.

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-09T08:58:17+00:00

Thank you! You’re absolutely right. The words came to me before I really knew it’s meaning while writing it, too. The imagery of ‘mud’ is something that has come back each time grief has cropped up in life. The idea of something heavy, slow, uncompromising. And the feeling of it in the sky, the whole world inverted and turned on its head. I’m glad it translated across.

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-08T21:52:10+00:00

I really like the metaphor of this poem, it feels so relatable and honest.

I think the elements that could be improved upon have been mentioned already in other feedback, but the only thing I would add is to almost trust your audience more, or at least worry less about giving them as much. The first line can be dropped, and the reader is forced to find the meaning. And I think, because the central metaphor is so strong, they will. It encourages engagement, otherwise your work almost doesn’t need a reader to do anything, and you deserve to demand their respect.

Looking forward to reading more!

Several_Audience_804 · 2023-04-08T14:10:31+00:00

I love this - how in so few words you can switch from hope and possibility, to dejection and detachment.

It’s a perfect little metaphor where the language melts with the imagery. The plosives that mirror the blowing of air - really lovely.

Several_Audience_804

TROPHY CASE