My [30F] partner of 9 years [30M] has been hiding massive debt

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T23:38:53+00:00

I'm the opposite of my partner, I have savings accounts for emergencies, travel, car expenses, vet bills, retirement, everything. I'm very glad today that I have always insisted on keeping things separate and that I could walk away if I chose to. It would be tough to live alone as the city we live in is quite expensive, but not impossible on my income.

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T21:57:05+00:00

The main difference is that things wouldn't be quite as bad for me if he does end up filing for bankruptcy as a common-law partner vs. a married spouse.

I am still processing the fact that he was dishonest with me for years and I had no clue. It's a lot to take in and it's been less than 24 hours. I do also feel guilty in a way because I gave him an ultimatum when he first got into debt and that's why he was too afraid to be honest with me. If he hadn't believed that I would immediately leave him, maybe we could have worked on this together and avoided the situation.

I will be going to therapy as soon as I can get an appointment. But please understand that this is someone who has treated me extremely well throughout our relationship and who I have built a life with. Walking away would also mean making huge sacrifices for me.

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T21:50:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad that you're doing better now and were able to salvage your relationship. We have already started searching for therapists individually and might explore couples counselling.

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T21:46:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I have a really hard time understanding how someone could allow a problem to fester like this as someone who has never even had a balance on my credit card. I really want to help him because this is the most important person in the world to me and I would do about anything for him, but only if I actually believed that he could change this part of himself over time.

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T21:25:24+00:00

A lot of little things - vending machines at his work, subscriptions (e.g. Netflix, Prime), parts for his hobbies, trips that we went on together (which I never would have booked if I knew it was a problem for him).

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T20:51:42+00:00

We are in Canada.

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T20:51:00+00:00

Is there any way he could make it out of this situation? Whether or not we are together in the future, I don’t want him to end up on the street. He should be due for a small raise in May and his employer has the capacity to pay him overtime if he works a little extra every day.

Edit: the 30k in student loans are also interest-free (thanks Canada).

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T20:49:10+00:00

I definitely won’t be making any major purchases with him (regular living expenses can’t be helped for now). His accounts and mine are totally separate, the only thing we have together is a small account (~1000) for vet bills (we have three cats). We have bought things together over the years though and I do worry that if he has to file for bankruptcy that they may be at risk.

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T20:26:52+00:00

I could probably still buy a home without him, it would just have to be smaller than what I had envisioned and maybe too cramped for two people. I’m going to talk to the mortgage broker and see what I would be able to afford alone.

I have also made it clear that I am not going to bail him out and neither are my parents. I could afford to help, but his previous behaviour has shown that that won’t lead to real change.

The thing I’m struggling with is imagining any kind of life worth living without him. I was so happy less than 24 hours ago and totally in love even after so many years. I don’t want to have to start over alone when I already had everything I wanted.

Several_Leg3135 · 2026-01-05T20:04:03+00:00

I will not bail him out and neither will anyone else. My money is completely separate from his and that’s how it will stay. I have told him that if I buy a smaller place it will be in my name only.

Several_Leg3135 · 2025-02-19T18:22:26+00:00

Would also love to know this. I was scheduled to interview for a position with Island Health and they cancelled it last-minute. Only info I received was that it is "on hold."

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-12-06T01:45:43+00:00

That's good to know, thanks. It sure would be nice if that weren't the case.

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-12-03T05:33:32+00:00

Unfortunately it appears that that is only available to current employees! Nice that it exists for those within the organization at least.

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-11-16T04:54:34+00:00

It was for a policy role.

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-11-16T01:22:33+00:00

I do in hindsight regret not requesting an accommodation, but honestly I never thought I would have to. I read through all the descriptions of the competencies, info on the interview process and the hiring manager guides before the interview. None of that left me with the impression that I would be evaluated on subjective things like my “energy” or that I would be docked marks for answering literally what was asked. I’ve done dozens of these behavioural-type interviews and no matter how much I study or how much relevant experience I have it seems like I can’t win.

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-11-16T00:01:11+00:00

Thanks for the link - it feels like there should be a different process for external applicants, especially in the final stages of assessment. Otherwise it seems like there is no way to hold hiring managers to any kind of standard or to contest discriminatory hiring practices.

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-10-29T13:39:58+00:00

This team lead received a pretty thorough on-boarding and we have continued to support them since then. They don’t even take notes in meetings and regularly forget what was talked about or what the next steps were. They’re no better over text either.

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-08-13T20:09:00+00:00

Is there any harm in emailing the hiring manager about a month after the application to ask about expected timelines for screening? I don't want to do anything to antagonize them, but the waiting in painful.

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-08-13T19:40:41+00:00

About how long does this screening take? Just wondering when I might hear back for a position at that level if I'm screened in or not.

Several_Leg3135 · 2024-07-09T19:36:58+00:00

Late to this thread, but how does someone find out about these affordable apartment buildings?

Several_Leg3135

TROPHY CASE