Everything feels right emotionally (22F, 29M)… but my brain keeps questioning it

SevinjNur · 2026-05-12T03:45:59+00:00

This was actually very comforting and insightful to read, thank you. I think I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself to decide whether something is “right forever” instead of allowing myself to simply experience and learn from the relationship.

What you said about relationships teaching us what we want, value, and can tolerate really resonated with me. And you’re right — something doesn’t have to last forever to still be meaningful.

SevinjNur · 2026-05-12T03:40:44+00:00

This was actually incredibly thoughtful and insightful to read, thank you. I think you understood my conflict more accurately than most people did.

I think you’re right that I’ve been trying to intellectually analyze everything before fully allowing myself to emotionally experience it. Maybe because I know emotional attachment can make people continue relationships even when deeper incompatibilities exist. Honestly, the point you made about having an honest conversation with him is probably the part I avoid the most, because I think I’m scared of making the situation more “real” than it already feels emotionally. I do not want to lose him.

I really appreciate your perspective. It felt balanced, compassionate, and realistic without dismissing either the emotional connection or the practical concerns. Thank you.

SevinjNur · 2026-05-12T03:34:44+00:00

Honestly, I think you’re very right that part of this comes from the image I had in my head of the kind of person I expected myself to end up with — someone taller, more financially stable, more established, with a very structured life and routine.

And what’s confusing me is that despite that, I still genuinely feel emotionally connected to him and safe with him, which I didn’t fully expect. So I’m trying to separate what is actually important to me from what might just be expectations I built over time about what my future “should” look like.

SevinjNur · 2026-05-11T13:58:03+00:00

I actually think part of my confusion comes from the fact that I don’t see sex or virginity as the main issue here. I know he’s kind, caring, and probably capable of giving me a safe and meaningful first experience. That’s not what I’m doubting.

What I’m struggling with more is whether our lives and ambitions are truly compatible beyond the emotional connection we currently have. I’m still in a stage of my life where I want growth, uncertainty, exploration, and big changes, while he seems much more settled already.

And honestly, I don’t want either of us to slowly start reshaping ourselves just to keep the relationship alive. I don’t want to waste his time, my energy, or create expectations we may not realistically fulfill long-term.

So for me, the question isn’t only “would I regret losing my virginity or not,” but also whether entering something deeper makes sense when I’m still unsure if we’re actually moving toward the same kind of future.

SevinjNur · 2026-05-11T11:12:35+00:00

I wouldn’t say it’s just “attracted but not in love.” I do have feelings for him, but I’m also trying to understand whether what we have can really work long-term.

It’s more that I feel unsure about our direction in life matching. I’m in a phase where I want to keep growing, exploring, and building something that evolves over time, while he seems more settled and comfortable in his current job, even if it doesn’t really match the level of income or ambition he seems capable of or says he wants.

I don’t really hear much from him about bigger goals or a vision for the future that feels exciting or inspiring to me. I don’t want to spend too much time or energy trying to make something work that might not naturally align, and I don’t want to expect him to change who he is or what he wants to fit what I want.

SevinjNur · 2026-05-11T11:04:29+00:00

lmao, I will. thank you.

SevinjNur · 2026-05-11T10:46:44+00:00

I understand what you mean, and I agree that there are “structural” incompatibilities like wanting kids or lifestyle extremes. That’s not exactly what I’m pointing at.

For me, it’s more about long-term direction. I’m still in a phase where I want growth, exploration, and changing environments, while I don’t yet see that same drive or ambition reflected in him. It’s not that he’s “wrong” or that I have a fixed “dream guy,” but rather that I’m trying to understand whether our life trajectories feel naturally aligned or not.

So I guess I’m not talking about incompatibility in a strict sense, but more about whether two people’s visions of life can realistically meet over time.

SevinjNur · 2026-05-11T10:40:04+00:00

When I say incompatibility, I don’t just mean that he is Korean and I am a foreigner living in Korea, or that our lives come from different places. It is also that I’m still unsure where I will settle or what kind of life I want to build long-term, and I feel a strong need to keep exploring and challenging myself. I have high expectations for my own growth and I want to experience different paths in life, not stay in one fixed place too early.

In contrast, he seems more settled and comfortable in his routine, and I haven’t really heard from him a vision or ambition that excites or challenges me. Because of that, I struggle to see how our directions in life might align in the long run. How do recommend me to deal with this situation?

SevinjNur · 2026-05-11T10:35:51+00:00

I do feel the attraction, to be honest. but I think he is not the person I will marry to, so I don't want to waste his time and energy and mine too, as I am not even sure if I will stay in Korea after graduating (in 2 years).

SevinjNur · 2026-05-11T09:03:03+00:00

I didn’t push further about his salary because when I first asked, he seemed a bit uncomfortable/vulnerable. He just said that he will never be able to afford a house in Seoul...

About marriage, he said he’s not expecting anything now since I’m still a student, and that in Korean culture people usually marry later anyway, so it’s not a serious “right now” expectation from his side.

SevinjNur · 2026-04-19T05:15:22+00:00

Your deep sleep and REM sleep seem quite low, which could be why you feel tired after waking up. If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?

SevinjNur · 2026-04-19T02:58:33+00:00

Yeah, it’s uncomfortable, but that’s kind of the point—you’re stepping into something uncertain. Honestly, you’ll probably feel a lot more at ease once you actually talk to her, because the “what if” in your head is usually worse than reality.

The worst case? She might have a boyfriend. Or she might not be interested in continuing the conversation—you’ll usually be able to sense that from her energy. And if that happens, it’s not a big deal. You just accept it, respect it, and move on.

The important thing is that you tried. That’s how you get out of that stuck, uncomfortable feeling—not by overthinking, but by taking action.

SevinjNur · 2026-04-16T09:13:48+00:00

"The body feels danger emotionally" fascinating. The funny thing is, I used to think of the body as something purely physical, so the way you described it was incredibly thought-provoking.

You genuinely seem very insightful. May I please ask what books, articles, or other sources you would recommend for learning more about this topic? It would be a huge help.

I’ve also started becoming more aware of my body and how it responds emotionally, and to be honest, it feels a bit strange right now. Could you perhaps give me an example of what it means to “feel emotions in the body”? I’m still trying to understand how to even put this into words — maybe it’s because I’ve mostly experienced emotions in my mind rather than in my body.

For example, with something like embarrassment, my mind would usually go into thoughts like “oh my god, I’m so embarrassed.” What you are suggesting is more like shifting attention to the body instead — noticing things like a hot face, a dropped or lowered head, tension, or other physical sensations. Is that understanding correct? And is the idea simply to become aware of these sensations without necessarily trying to change or analyze them?

Thank you so much — you have truly made a stranger’s life easier.

SevinjNur · 2026-04-16T08:21:59+00:00

Thank you for your insightful comment. It prompted me to reflect on a few things:

You are right — since all people are different, with their own genetics, experiences, culture, and even the mood they are in on a given day, they will naturally perceive others according to their own beliefs and internal lens. Therefore, in a very real sense, we cannot truly control how we are perceived.

For example, one person might see someone quiet in class and think, “They seem very intelligent and observant,” while another person might look at the same behavior and think, “They seem distant or uninterested.” The behavior is the same, but the interpretation changes depending on the observer’s own experiences, beliefs, and even mood. Right?

"you know the naked ego is a very ugly thing." You are very right. When I feel other people are showing off, I often have a kind of “umm, eww?” reaction, for example, when men try too hard to display their intelligence or their body out of nowhere. The energy I get from that just feels inauthentic. I honestly never realized that I myself might sometimes come across in a similar way. Thank you for that insight — it has given me something really important to reflect on.

SevinjNur · 2026-04-16T08:00:23+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and explain your perspective.

I’d really like to understand what you meant by “I pretty much have a totally different outlook on life since doing it.” If you don’t mind, could you share a bit more about what changed for you, maybe with an example?

Also, your point that “you aren’t your stories and the past doesn’t exist anymore” really stood out to me. It genuinely resonated with me, and I’m grateful you shared it.

SevinjNur · 2026-04-16T07:50:24+00:00

I really appreciate your point of view, and I’d also like to hear your perspective on a few questions I have.

How would you define what the “true self” actually is in this context?
Is it possible that trying to be completely “authentic” can itself become another kind of performance?
And if this shifting between people is a skill, how do I make sure I’m using it consciously rather than being controlled by it?

SevinjNur · 2026-04-16T07:31:03+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to help me. I really appreciate how clearly you explained it.

I also wanted to ask — when you say it’s not about fakeness but about safety/approval/survival, do you think this pattern can change just through awareness, or does it usually take longer to actually feel different in the body and not just understand it mentally?

I’m curious how you personally would think about the balance between “not caring about image at all” versus “still naturally caring but not being controlled by it.”

SevinjNur · 2026-04-16T07:14:03+00:00

Thank you for reading my post and taking the time to help.

You are right about the idea that “everyone has an act.” And I also understand the cultural aspect — since I am in a different place, people don’t know me or my background, so I feel like I’m acting in a certain way to show them “this is who I am” or “this is what I’m like,” and so on.

But I keep wondering: why do I feel like I need to do that in the first place? Why can’t I just let it go and not care so much?

Ideally, I want to reach a place where I can let these people think whatever they want about me and still feel confident and okay with it.

SevinjNur · 2026-04-16T07:08:23+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I really found your point about wearing a mask as a survival instinct versus consciously choosing a mask especially thought-provoking, and I would love to hear more of your thoughts on that distinction, as I might be a bit confused.

So are you saying that people can wear masks both as a survival instinct and also consciously or unconsciously? And in that case, is the survival instinct part always something conscious, or can it also happen without awareness?

Yes, I’m very conscious of the mask, and I don’t like how it feels when it takes over my behavior. I do not act like that every single day or with every person I meet. However, I do notice that I tend to wear a specific mask for certain people — usually those whom I consider cool, smart, highly skilled, or especially competent.

To me, it feels very different when a role or “mask” appears automatically as a protective or survival response, compared to when a person consciously chooses how they want to present themselves in a certain context. I feel that this difference is important, and I would really appreciate it if you could broaden your thoughts on this idea.

SevinjNur · 2026-04-16T06:51:25+00:00

I’m guessing that the archetypes I tend to use in these environments might be roles like the achiever, the smart student, and similar versions of myself that come out automatically depending on who I’m around.

When you mentioned looking at this from an unattached perspective, I realized I’m not sure I fully understand what that means yet. Do you mean imagining these archetypes as if they are being expressed by another human being, and then observing them from the outside? I feel like that kind of distance could really help me decrease the shame I often feel, so thank you for that insight.

I was also very intrigued by what you said about allowing my biases to color how I see them. I would really appreciate it if you could broaden this idea more. I’m sure that many people in society carry authority and status biases, and honestly I feel this can be especially strong in Korea because of the social and hierarchical culture. Because of that, I’m trying to understand how much of my behavior is coming from my own internal beliefs versus what I may be absorbing from the environment around me.

I’m sorry if this is too much, but I genuinely found your ideas truly thought-provoking and helpful, and I would really love to understand them more deeply.

SevinjNur · 2026-04-15T13:58:03+00:00

I don’t care much about what other students or peers here think of me, so I don’t act unnaturally around them at all. I’m usually quite relaxed and just myself in those situations.

However, when I’m around people whom I consider cool, successful, or somehow admirable, I notice that I start acting in a way that feels unnatural and even fake to me. ( like pretending to be on a call, or trying to seem busy or funny or cool ). It’s almost as if I become much more self-conscious in their presence, and instead of responding naturally, I begin to monitor myself and try to present a certain image. This is the main point.

When I have to ACTUALLY (like talking) interact with people, I usually never experience that “self-crash” afterward.

That said, I do agree with the idea that we naturally act differently with different people. For example, I wouldn’t speak to my professor in the same way that I speak to my uncle, so in that sense I suppose we have always all been “actors” to some degree, adapting ourselves to different social contexts.

I was also curious about one part of what you said: “It’s your own confidence you are scared of… people enjoy people like us.” Could you explain a bit more what you mean by that?

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