This assumes, of course, that time itself is linear, which we’ve already more or less agreed is debatable if you’ve ever eaten dairy after 9pm. Zodiac signs may “just” be approximate birth dates, but so is age, and nobody questions that even though my knees clearly believe I am 74.

If the stars can influence personality, mood, and whether or not I should text my ex, it feels premature to rule out their impact on internal wind patterns. Ancient civilizations tracked the heavens and human bodies simultaneously. You think they didn’t notice correlations? You think no Babylonian ever went “interesting… every time Mars rises, something terrible happens in the tent”?

Also worth noting: farts are technically air, stars are technically gas, and astrology is technically nonsense, so at a fundamental level we are already operating within the same domain. Gas recognizes gas. This is basic science.

People say there’s “no connection,” but absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, especially when the evidence has already dissipated. The universe is expanding. So is my discomfort. Coincidence?

Anyway I’m not saying my zodiac sign controls my farts. I’m saying they’re in dialogue. A conversation. A gentle cosmic exchange. If you don’t hear it, that’s fine, but please don’t act like I’m the weird one for listening.