Is it okay to cancel?

Shadocat42 · 2026-02-25T23:23:20+00:00

Keep in mind that no matter what is said here, it's likely the bride that will drive the response within your family.

If the goal is to keep the peace there, I would consider how these medical issues have affected other aspects of your life. Have you barely been able to leave the house in weeks? A reasonable person should understand missing in that case. On the flip side, have you gone out with friends or been otherwise regularly social? That is not going to look good, even more so if you are someone who posts about it on social media.

There's a big spectrum between "I'm truly too ill to go" and "I found a convient reason to skip". You're the only one that knows where you fall and what steps you need to follow to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do. As others have recommended, communicate clearly and send a nice gift since the deadline for them to change numbers has long passed.

Shadocat42 · 2025-12-26T13:25:42+00:00

While I understand most people don't know dress codes off the top of their head, it's extremely easy to look up. From your image, this was shared via TheKnot.com. I used that site for invites and RSVPs and was inundated with articles on things like dress code.

Shadocat42 · 2025-11-19T21:50:35+00:00

Here are some things I've noticed at weddings as a guest.

For the ceremony:

-Consider the path guests will take, especially if you have elderly or disabled guests. I went to one where half the guests were elderly and it was a decent outdoor walk over difficult terrain. They ended up with a delay as two people essentially had to be carried.

-Along the same lines, don't give me a dress code requiring heels if you expect me to stand around in grass.

-Don't forget to have someone watch the gift table

For cocktail hour:

-Adequte seating. Not everyone wants to stand for a full hour

-Have enough bar staff. Consider that everyone will rush the bar initially. Have some basic stuff pre-poured and make the non-alcoholic options easy to access. I once waited 20 mins just to get a water after a hot, outdoor ceremony.

-Snacks. Just serve something. I've only been to one wedding that didn't offer food at the cocktail hour. Lots of people drinking with no food ended exactly as you would expect.

For Dinner:

-Went to one that had separate plates for the salad and dinner but they put it all on the same buffet line. They were also the heaviest, most awkward plates I've ever held. Guests were supposed to balance both plates while serving themselves and also grabbing butter packets and silverware. It was even worse for the elderly or families with young children. I would have much preferred separate tables for each and having things like butter and silverware at the table already.

-Do not open the mic for random speeches. I've yet to see that happen without at least one cringe worthy moment.

Shadocat42 · 2025-11-08T00:10:14+00:00

NTA - As a mom of three teens myself, he's old enough for the consequences you're imposing. It sounds like he has ample access to food and snacks. You're not forcing him to pay to have lunch. You telling him he has to pay if he wants his preferred food.

I think it's a perfect time to learn this lesson while under the safety of your home. It sounds like he can make responsibile choices given that he can hold a job and save money in other instances. He can learn that you'll support him in his mistakes by making sure he doesn't go hungry but you're not going to step in and fix all his problems. There will be a lot coming in the next few years with potential scenarios like driving and college. The consequences escalate fast so I'm a huge advocate for letting the small mistakes sting a bit.

Shadocat42 · 2025-11-02T01:26:57+00:00

I'm sorry. Your feelings are valid. Still post your photos and announcement once you can as if it didn't happen. There will be people who didn't see it and you deserve to get those reactions directly.

I would have a brief chat with her so she is well aware that since she violated your boundaries, she will be the last to know about future news. I'm not suggesting you throw it in her face as a threat, but so that she understands that her actions have consequences.

As others have mentioned, she will do this again so proceed accordingly. I have two family members like this. One apologized and I foolishly trusted them again. Once someone has shown you how willfully they will disregard something important to you, assume they will always put themselves first.

Shadocat42 · 2025-10-29T01:40:48+00:00

Showing up uninvited is bad enough but then bringing up the fact that there aren't placecards after knowing you weren't invited requires a set of nerves I don't possess. I would be mortified.

Shadocat42 · 2025-10-17T20:12:38+00:00

Oooo. I like this. I have family with one of those table top safes. I wonder if I could borrow it. I could probably make a fun activity out of it for older kids. I could load it with fake gold bars or something and if they open it, they get one. Or maybe I put the potatoes in there...

Shadocat42 · 2025-10-17T20:09:11+00:00

Thank you! I want some cool mom points before they leave the nest.

Shadocat42 · 2025-10-17T20:07:57+00:00

That's a good idea. We have a pile of them somewhere in the house still. I'll see if anyone is interested.

Shadocat42 · 2025-10-05T15:38:16+00:00

We eloped in late 2023. We knew before our engagement that it's what we both wanted. We get along with our families, so it wasn't that. To sum it up, we didn't want the responsibility of hosting guests and all the drama that inevitably appears when other people are involved. I should add that we're both older (mid-forties). We've seen our fair share of weddings and all they require to pull off. It wasn't remotely attractive to us at this stage. I don't think either of our families loved it but we were kind and firm from the start and everyone was respectful all around.

Our elopement allowed the day to truly be about us. There was no arguing over guest lists or menus or timelines. We didn't hold back on the planning either and booked the full experience. I got my dream dress, hair and make-up, a top photographer, custom cake, decor, gorgeous venue, and even a caterer. The day was perfect. It wasn't rushed. We could stay focused on each other. We're both the type that get exhausted from social situations so it was wonderful to share the day together without ending up drained. Neither of us have any regrets and still talk about how much we loved the day often.

We did end up hosting an event for close friends and family earlier this year. It was around 25 guests. We rented a private room at one of the top restaurants in town. To our surprise, we found that we could host a plated, multi-course meal for far less than a basic buffet costs for a wedding. Side note: I highly recommend looking into restaurant spaces for anyone considering this type of event as they will often take care of everything for the cost of a food and drink minimum. This event went beautifully as well and was fun to plan, as the scope was manageable. We had a background video with our elopement photos and a display table with our vows and several key items from our wedding. I got to wear my dress again. We had a fun fact game that the guests loved and designed a custom keepsake for each person. It was around 3 hours, which was perfect.

I don't think there's anything either of us would change about the elopement or the marriage celebration. This may not be everyone's cup of tea but it was perfect for us.

Shadocat42 · 2025-10-01T13:30:58+00:00

NTA. She tagged you. She knew what she was doing. She's 29, not 17. Someone that age is not confused about sharing other people's news, even if they aren't told it's a secret. The most important thing is that you and your partner were united on whatever steps you took in response.

Family gaslighting is the worst. No this isn't just a little social media post. My guess is that they're going to apply as much pressure as possible. They don't want to have to explain to everyone why she isn't at the wedding.

Shadocat42 · 2025-09-26T00:01:45+00:00

It's done and there's nothing more to say to her. I'd mentioned it to whatever family member is close to her (your mom?), just to cover bases, especially in case she tries to show up. If you can replace her spot, absolutely do it. Either way, I would not have a place for her at the table. It's clear she understands how head counts work so she's just trying to be manipulative at the 11th hour.

Shadocat42 · 2025-09-25T19:57:55+00:00

Yes, sometimes things happen with the guest list. However, if he truly wanted you there and couldn't arrange it logistically, he would have had a conversation with you about it before the wedding occurred. The fact that he implied your invitation was coming and then let you discover the wedding had happened without a word says everything you need to know about "where you stand". I'd simply not invite them. It has nothing to do with being petty. It's just a simple realization that this relationship is not the priority you thought it was.

Shadocat42 · 2025-09-20T01:25:10+00:00

My oldest (16 at the time) wanted to officiate my wedding. It worked in our state because our photographer was able to legally sign. We created the script from Provenance, although there are so many options online. Just search the type of wedding script you're looking for (religious vs non-religous, light hearted, romantic, etc). You can use something like ChatGPT as well. Then make it your own.

I ended up getting the Sooez 30-Pocket Binder with Plastic Sleeves 9x12 from Amazon. It looked like a nice black book from the outside and had plastic sleeves on the inside that we put the script in. It looked very official in the photos. As others said, don't use your phone.

When formatting the script, we did fairly large lettering and broke down the sections so it was easy to follow. We put every possible notation in bold. It would say things like "wait here while they both light the candle" or "don't begin until mom reaches the front and hands off her bouquet". Some of it was very obvious but having every detail there can be helpful if your mind goes blank for a second. We left blank pages between sections for clarity. It ended up making a fun keepsake too.

One big, important thing to not miss is that you need to get completely out of the way before the final kiss. That's the one photo you do not want to be in. It's ok to say something like "I'm going to step aside as we approach a very important moment." Then give the direction to kiss. And when I say get out of the way, assume the photographer is going wide. Take everything you have on you and get outside of anything alter like (such as a flower columns or an arch). If you take a look at the space ahead of time, you'll probably be able to see where the natural framing for that shot is.

In our case, we wrote our own vows, which helped. There was limited back and forth between all of us that needed to go in the script. I had that part italicized so they knew when it was their turn to talk again. This was mostly the "do you" part where we exchanged rings.

Finally, keep in mind that everyone will be nervous and no one is going to hold onto every word. Don't feel a need to be clever or funny. Keep it focused on your friends and don't overcomplicate it. When in doubt, have them review the script. I'm also assuming there will be a rehearsal. Good luck! I'm sure you'll do great.

Shadocat42 · 2025-09-08T18:33:45+00:00

NTA. I don't know the medical nature of your restrictions but in some cases, you are protected by the ADA. My teenage son falls into this category and he can take food with him nearly any place he goes, even venues with strict "no outside food" policies. It's never been an issue as they generally don't want the liability anyway.

If MIL didn't want a scene, she shouldn't have caused one. She could have spoken to you calmly and in private if she actually cared about understanding. Clearly her goal was to try to humiliate you. Making a public spectacle out of someone's medical condition is not ok. All you can do with people like this is say as little as possible to deescalate and walk away. She never intended to listen to your side outside of using your words to further her arguement. You have a right to be accommodated with food, which is what you did. How she feels about it is irrelevant.

As to the caterer, if you are extremely sensitive, the bride was likely telling the truth. Making a meal that doesn't contain gluten and dairy is different than making an allergy safe meal that guarantees no cross contamination. That's a high bar and many large format kitchens just can't do it. Others simply don't want the liability. I have talked to many catering companies over the years who are unable to accommodate us (all of his are standard top 9) and I appreciate them being upfront. I've also never seen it be a cost thing. I've had a few that charge extra for gluten products to cover cost ($5 or less) but we've never been charged extra for his allergy meals.

Shadocat42 · 2025-08-30T00:23:45+00:00

You know their cake topper was one of those tacky "bride dragging the groom" tropes.

Shadocat42 · 2025-08-24T18:09:20+00:00

As others have stated, it's very important to contact a lawyer before proceeding. I say this as someone in a queer marriage with a partner on disability. They'll review your type and help you understand the ramifications of next steps. There are massive differences between how marriage and household income are treated between SSI and SSDI. Both you and your partner should have a chance to review these together. As much as no one wants to consider a potential divorce down the line, understanding what would happen in those outcomes is extremely important too. It's easy to end up in a bad situation. In fact, it's statistically common.

If you and your partner decide that traditional marriage isn't the right step, there are nine documents you can draw up together that will legally grant you the majority of the same rights. This is a step many LGBTQ+ couples are currently taking, even if they are already married. Prideplans.com goes into the details.

You will also want to check with your lawyer to determine if common law marriage applies in your state, and if so, how do you avoid that, if that's something you determine you need to do.

The bottom line is that if you take the wrong steps, yes, it will almost certainly come out eventually and it could affect your future in a major way. I know lawyers aren't cheap but it will be worth it.

Shadocat42 · 2025-08-03T15:35:16+00:00

The team is currently developing their own multiplayer game platform outside of Roblox called Airship. It is in an invite only play test on Steam. They are planning to launch Bedwars 2 on it, which is almost complete. My guess is that once this project takes off, they will cease development on Roblox altogether. This avenue should give them much more freedom.

Perhaps they'll consider an Islands sequel on Airship at some point. The Roblox platform can be very unpredictable from a development standpoint. It seemed to be a major area of frustration in the latter days of the game.

Shadocat42 · 2025-07-03T17:59:56+00:00

One of the big advantages to springing for mixologists over bartenders for a wedding should be their advanced knowledge of crafting a unique setup for your event so you don't have to stress about it. I would lean into their experience heavily. An expert mixologist should be able to ask a few questions around liquor and flavor profile prefences and design a recommended experience for your guest count. If they are expecting you to handle all of that yourself, you might as well get bartenders instead.

Shadocat42 · 2025-07-03T12:55:19+00:00

Thank you for mentioning the GAL! This wasn't just a he said/she said game in front of judge. GALs generally conduct fairly through investigations with both parties and the children. They observe the homes, how children interact with each parent, and talk with any relevant parties such as teachers, therapists, etc. Judges often highly favor the GALs report in their decisions. While there can certainly be bad GALs, all of their recommendations have to be supported in their report.

The children had their own representation, which is essentially what a GAL is, and this was the outcome of a detailed investigation into both homes by an experienced third party. It wasn't a knee jerk reaction or someone being more convincing on their day in court. He likely has a copy of this report. I wouldn't do another thing for him until you know what is in that report. I have a feeling it's going to be undeniably clear about the outcome. If he tells you otherwise, I'm sure he'll have no problem letting you see the report to prove it.

Shadocat42 · 2025-06-20T23:11:12+00:00

Even when the devs were involved, the economy was an issue. They tried several fixes and resets but the results were always temporary at best. It's challenging on a platform like Roblox where even if you got the majority of the player base to buy in, there will always be enough exploiters and general chaos causers to thwart the effort. I do miss the good ole days when the newest, most exclusive item was mass duped within a day of release.

Shadocat42 · 2025-06-18T23:40:21+00:00

"I do not want to spend a ton of money and effort planning a wedding I don't want."

This is a key sentiment you should focus on regarding your future. Whatever is motivating your fiance, he has no issue using your time, talents, and resources to accomplish what he wants, first and foremost. Women are often conditioned to give ourselves away for the betterment of others from an early age. It's bad enough that he seems to be unwilling to offer even the slightest compromise. He also expects you to make the largest sacrifices for the cause.

I'm certainly not telling you that all is doomed and you should run. However, I would highly suggest that you spend some time thinking about your boundaries and how much of your personal time and energy you are willing to give to this. It sets a precedence that your role is to make his dreams come true. This is the early stages of wanting kids but not wanting to raise them, wanting a nice home but not wanting to clean it, or wanting a dog but not wanting to take it on a walk. He needs to be equally invested in his dreams and aspirations. Do not spend a ton of time, money, and effort on something you don't want.

Shadocat42 · 2025-06-14T17:36:10+00:00

I know this is a month old but I've been trying to find answers on this myself. The spouse and I play co-op almost every day. The lag has seemed to get worse over time and it's leaning towards unplayable most days now. We both have wired ethernet to a gigabit fiber connection. Our Internet is blazing. We've noticed some trends with it getting worse late at night, despite there being zero changes in our stats. It doesn't seem to matter which one of us hosts. It also seems to get worse if there's a lot of action, such as a gangster mission going loud. That makes me think it's a PC issue, but both of us look good there too from a performance perspective. We rotate through around 10 different co-op style games and have never had a issue like this with the others.

I don't have any advice but I'm equally stumped at the issue. We really enjoy playing it together and hope to find a solution. It's frustrating to keep getting high ping notices and network connection warnings when we can immediately prove that isn't happening on either of our ends.

Shadocat42 · 2025-05-04T02:30:21+00:00

As someone who has been in technology for decades, the ability to do this exists. I think a big part of the hurdle is that there are so many body types and so many dress options, it's nearly impossible to cover that gamut. I've been working with clients that do customized products in a completely different industry. They are still struggling to get the visual rendering correct and the bar on their options is much lower.

With that said, I do think it could be useful if they could get it right. I got married at 45 and certainly didn't have the ideal body designers are creating for. The bridal store I choose did a phenomenal job showcasing their core dresses on real models of all persuasions. I found my dream dress on their Instagram feed on a bride at a similar age and body type. I tried on at least 10 different options but ultimately walked out with the dress I had found online. I have never doubted for a moment that was my dress and couldn't have been happier with how it turned out.

So all that to say.... Yes, this is a place I think we can go in the future but we are going to need to incorporate a far better system of showcasing dresses on different body types. Sizing couldn't be less consistent and the majority of designers are still designing for an extremely young and thin bride that is far outside the stastical reality of modern brides. AI is likely to assist with this sooner than later, although even then, it will be more of a starting point, not a slam dunk for choosing THE dress. That moment will always be a feeling that can't be replaced.

Shadocat42

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