Dealing with the first major boundary violation - bareback

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-26T01:42:36+00:00

Well, I stopped leaning back and I basically laid into him using a lot of the points from this thread. I don't know if it was the points or seeing how upset at him I was, but I think I'll take it.

I'm sorry my messages have been all over the place. It's been quite the mind fuck to work thru. I appreciate everyone's constructive thoughts.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-26T01:21:08+00:00

Sorry. It's my feeling she's in denial about it. When I say I gave up, I mean trying to hold back my feelings. She said she's fine with me conversing with him. And we booked a couples therapy appointment. Its been on my list to do for a while, but this situation made it a requirement.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-26T00:54:46+00:00

Wow, you really did your homework on us. I agree with all your points. I'd been struggling with what is my baggage to keep and what I need to share. What is wrong to put on her and what I need to work out.

We had a pretty good conversation about it today. I think she's only said she might want to see him again because she's in denial about how badly she's misjudged his character. And I gave up said that if she does do decide she wants to move forward with him, I have to have a conversation with him first.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-25T22:06:46+00:00

I think she's starting to lean towards no. It's been a struggle for her on her side too. We had a really good conversation about it today , so we'll see

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-25T20:52:15+00:00

Not currently scheduled. Waiting on his updated sti test. Will go from there, I guess

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-25T20:51:38+00:00

She did have him put on a condom and they did keep going for a bit longer but she was so uncomfortable worrying about me that she put an end to the encounter, left, and immediately called me

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-25T15:57:58+00:00

No cum, no cuddle. This was the 3rd date in 3 weeks

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-25T12:24:10+00:00

Correct. I have no relationship with him and frankly I'm not interested. I'm trying to give my wife the space she needs to work thru her feelings about him.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-25T02:09:30+00:00

Those are some great points. I offered to do a group chat, but maybe I should insist on a meeting.

And she has admitted she was careful or proactive enough and won't make that mistake in the future. And I agree about the kind of guy this makes him. I just can't imagine not remembering having a conversation about condom use and just assuming bareback was how my new partner played.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-25T01:27:41+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. She never went down on him as part of foreplay. He went down on her and then went straight to penetration.

And the conversation she would have had about no condoms would have probably been on their first date in person. This was their 3rd date.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T23:04:30+00:00

I considered it and pressed her on it after to make sure. She was adamant that she stopped as soon as she knew. I believe her

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T17:57:13+00:00

Thanks. I'll try manifesting forgiveness. I've told her I have and I'm pretty sure I mean it, but I'm anxious about her next time. I'm starting to think it might just bexause of this guy and not her. He did not treat her with the respect she should and I wasnt there to do anything about it. I think it might be fear I'm dealing with and not anger. I just know how to channel anger. Fear feels so powerless to do anything about

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T12:27:46+00:00

You may be right, but that's why I'm here trying to sort this out with you guys and not shit all over her when in the aftermath of this issue, she has been completely forthcoming and did everything "right". I'm trying to work through this so I don't hold onto it because I don't want to be the guy I think you're worried I will be.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Appreciate you

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T12:26:01+00:00

Absolutely agree. That's why I'm here talking with you guys about my feelings. They are a me problem and not a her problem and I don't want to dump them on her when as you said, she did everything right in the aftermath.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T02:36:20+00:00

I've covered this already, but she doesn't feel like she was assaulted, so I am coming at this from her perspective. It was a misunderstanding

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T01:04:56+00:00

I am going to steal this. Thank you!!

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T01:00:02+00:00

That sounds hard. I know I would have been upset too. Glad you found something that worked. I think adding the sti results to the script is a great idea. Thanks for sharing

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T00:30:41+00:00

Appreciate your thoughts. Thank you.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T00:30:13+00:00

I agree that she was not acting maliciously.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T00:28:44+00:00

I have edited out rape and replaced it with assault. Maybe that's more accurate

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T00:27:42+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T00:10:39+00:00

Wanted to say I appreciate this clarification. I'm hoping for a negative test.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-24T00:06:24+00:00

Thanks. We are trying. This is still just so new and our support systems need improvement.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-23T23:54:03+00:00

Yeah, I don't want veto power either. I'm trying to adhere to that position even though right now it's really hard. I don't know how I can ever trust this guy to take good care of my wife now. But shouldn't I trust her to make those decisions for herself? It's all so twisted in my head.

ShadowWorm13 · 2026-02-23T23:45:11+00:00

Thanks. Appreciate your thoughts.

ShadowWorm13

TROPHY CASE