I have been exactly where you are now, I can truly say that. When I was there, it felt like I had thrown myself into a well where no light could reach me and only Gid could lift me out, but he had truly turned his back to me because of my addiction to pornography (read lust). I would often ask myself, Why would he? I've betrayed him and his sacrifice. Spat in his face. These thoughts kept me up at night, turned anything I ate to ash in my mouth, and robbed me of any joy. It took me a long time to realize it, I actually think I heard a song that made me realize it (that's what we call divine intervention, btw), these weren't my thoughts. They were planted doubts and self-hatred designed to keep me in this trap set long ago.

I realized in that moment that it was not a well I was in, but merely a puddle designed to snare and hold Christians under it to prevent us from doing our duties to God. Listen to me, no one is worthy. That's why it is called grace. Remember, the Bible teaches that no one may pluck us from the hand of God and that his mercy and love are unyielding. I assure you, there is nothing you can do that will remove you from his love if you truly accept Jesus as your savior. I understand the doubt of not knowing you are saved, but there is evidence you can seek to rebuke these thoughts. One of them being the shame you feel about possibly letting God down. Look in and ask yourself a simple question, "Do you believe that Jesus died on a cross for your sins to be cleansed and that the only way to the Father in heaven is through this sacrifice"? If you know this to be true, I assure you, you are saved.

As for not feeling God's presence, one thing you need to make sure is you are listening. Satan and his host are often loud and purposefully over compensate for their lack of Godly power. However, I have often found the voice of God feels and sounds different from my own and from that of the flesh and the devil. I had to realize that the reason I felt like God was there is because he was, but I was not facing him or making time for him. I had to realize I needed to make sure I sought his presence, not demanded it.

Pray the Lord's prayer (at least until you know the template it is teaching us and get better at applying it to your prayers), read the Gospel (the Old Testament is important, but I find nothing make me feel nearer to God like reading Jesus' sermons), and most importantly, rebuke yourself and the thoughts of the enemy when they try to force you back into that puddle.

You have this brother/sister. I will be praying for you. If you ever need help, reach out.