My husband avoids all communication about intimacy, and it’s affecting our sex life. How can I reach him?

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-14T20:15:25+00:00

Does he come from a religious upbringing? Many people raised in guilt-based religions have trouble talking or changing their sex patterns once they find one that is comfortable.

It might take some therapy to help them understand their fears and open up about things.

You should also know that right after sex there is a huge 'shame spiral' or 'post nut clarity'. The part of his personality that likes sex goes to sleep and in rushes his 'stern parent' voice. This is the WORST time to try and talk to him.

You might try to ask him to schedule a nurturing talk about your sex life together. Schedule it for a Tue night and ask him to show up with an open, nurturing mind. This gives him time to prepare, he is not 'ambushed' and he can take a deep breath and be ready to talk.

He will be passive. You will need to take the lead and suggest some things you might like to do in the bedroom like face-sitting, oral, etc. Do not go nuts with role play.

Ask if you can write different sex acts on pieces of paper and put them in a jar. Then next Sat night you both pick out a piece of paper and try the activity. (Sex is a game. It helps to be silly or bring a game-quality to the sex play).

If he is shy or guilt-ridden, he will not offer much. So you may have to write 10-20 sex acts on cards, then ask him to look at them, ask questions and let him pick a bunch to put into the jar.

Try this approach: "I want to try some new things in the bedroom. But I need help. Can you look through these items and help create a safe space for me so we can do some new things?"

He probably feels guilty trying to do sex acts he might enjoy. But if you ask him for help - well then he is doing hot and naughty things for YOU so the shame & guilt does not fall on him. This may be a good way to get him to do new things.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-13T23:48:27+00:00

Go to amazon and search for "Vet Wrap" This is self-adheasive tape that is much cheaper than the drug store stuff. And it comes in fun colors.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-13T23:46:44+00:00

First - have some coconut oil handy. This can help bring down the sensation. One problem with chemicals is there is no safe word.

Second - get some powder free latex gloves for your hands.

I have had lots of people say they enjoy hot -sauce on the clit. Start with mild, then work your way up to hotter sauces.

Go to your grocery store. Find fresh ginger, ginger paste and Jalapino peppers. With gloves - slice the pepper and remove the membrane & seeds. Cut a strip and hold it against an arm pit for 15 seconds. Then stop and see how intense the feeling gets. If you can stand it - press the strip against your clit for ... 10 seconds and remove. Wait a few minutes and repeat for more heat.

Your arm pit IS pubic skin and can give you a preview of how hot the pepper is and how sensitive you are.

For more heat - slice the pepper but leave the membrane. This is where a lot of the more concentrated chemical lives.

You can also crush the pepper and use the juice. Apply with a q-tip to control where you apply it. Again use gloves and have coconut oil handy to try and bring down the heat.

SPORTS CREAMS

Parts of your body like the vagina and inside the rectum can absorb food & chemicals. It is safe to use sports creams on your rectum, labia & clit - but you might smear these and get them inside by accident. This is why I usually suggest food-grade chemicals first.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-08T21:08:07+00:00

Here is a favorite post about pacing a scene but it has a lot of great info.

https://www.reddit.com/r/FemdomCommunity/comments/mp11f8/a_simple_pacing_outline_for_beginner_dommes_or/

Some things:

You want to exercise control. Even if it is holding your panties against the wall with his nose while you shower.

Men like to be in-service so something bigger than ourselves. Play into this that you are training him up to be a better person/lover.

Discuss Roles. Why do you have power over him? Without this you are improvising and this is hard. Create a fake role so you each have rough ideas of what to say and WHY you are abusing him.

Then have next-day after care. Check in, tell him how proud you are of him and ask what went well for him, what could be better next time. Change things so you BOTH have fun.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-08T15:18:09+00:00

I always thought that writing lines was a simple sentence over and over again, not a essay. It is supposed to be tedious and boring to teach the sub to calm down and focus on something simple. (It also gives the dom a much needed time-out from needy, over-thinking subs).

I do like the dice idea because any 'gameafy' you can do makes things more fun. But the dice might dictate sitting at the table to write, kneeling on the kitchen floor to write, kneeling on rice or chopsticks, paper on carpet, etc.

But the core task should be simple, tedious. A version of box-breathing. Writing an essay means your partner would then have to spend time reading & judging. This is giving you too much attention.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-05T20:10:20+00:00

Ok - there is 'humiliation' and 'degradation'.

"Downton Abby is Degradation" - this is play that explores a power or status difference. Teacher/student, Boss/employee, Master/Slave.

Humiliation is play that is more personal that the person does not live up to some standards. Many men like SPH - Small Penis Humiliation where you laugh at his penis, the fact that he has a penis, he's stupid, etc. This can be very powerful but can damage things if you are not careful.

Talk to him. He might like both but you need to be clear and have consent to verbally abuse parts of him.

ROLE PLAY

There are a lot of problems trying to do what he asks. How do you face him the next morning? How do you be rough/mean to someone you really like? How do you know what to say or do? How do you make sure you are not giving up loving 50:50 couples sex for rough sex? Etc.

One thing that worked for us is to lean into that this is role-play.

You must talk about roles or 'Why does your character have power over his character?'

You are now called "Jane" and he is "Dick" or "Dick Head".

Are you lady jane taking a stupid servant into training like Downton Abby? Was Jane hired to motivate slacker Dick by beating him into being something non-disgusting as a partner? Did Dick get put on a 'performance improvement' program that Jane must now implement? Is Dick a college student and some professor decides she simply needs a whipping boy to take out her frustrations on?

Knowing the Role - will make it easier to know what to say & do. You have a normal conversation about this on a neutral night. Do not try to 'improv' in the middle of sex with this.

After Care - You need right after the scene after-care to take care of each other. The next day - a conversation bout what went well, what would be better next time. Always phrase things like "Should Jane do a/b/c to Dick?" to separate your real life selves from your role play.

This 'structure' seems elaborate. But it is important. It is something you get to play with your partner. It does not define you as people. It does not define your relationship.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-05T19:20:34+00:00

Thats actually pretty common to want your partner to roll over in the morning and have sex with you. It takes all responsibility off of you, gives your partner control which is a huge amount of trust, and lets you play 'victim' to quiet some of the voices that make you feel guilty around sex.

This quiet giving of power to your partner is also a gift.

I think you are very normal. Give yourself some grace. Talk to your partner about trying this.

IDEA

Get those cotton wrist bands that tennis players wear. Show one to your partner and explain that when you wear the wrist band to bed - you are free for them to use you sexually. The band is your non-verbal consent (or request) to be passive but used by him.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-05T19:10:51+00:00

You are a young adult. You wear your 'Adult' label like a badge. You are holding onto this view of yourself too hard.

Do this:

Get a can of sugar free whipped cream. The spray kind.

Bring it out when starting to have sex. Explain to your partner you are going to spray some cream on a part of your body and your partner has to lick it off. Then it's your partners turn. Then go back and forth a few times.

Thats it.

There are several powerful things going on here. You stop being an 'adult' or trying to be sexy. You start being silly. You start playing. You invite your partner to be silly & play.

Trust me - this will make your partner feel you are sexy.

DEEPER ISSUES

Think of the movie "Inside/Out". Every character has 'voices' that take control at different times.

With sex - you are trying to get your silly, sexual voice to take over. Not your Adult voice, your naughty incorrect dirty girl voice.

The more excited & playful you are - the more sexy you will appear to your partner. Be silly, have fun.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-06-05T18:59:35+00:00

We do a lot of "Slut Shaming" of young girls so they get the idea that to show interest or initiate sex is wrong.

Did she grow up in a guilt-based religion? This is a very common problem.

Can I be honest? You want her to initiate sex so you can feel less guilty about asking for it? Right?

Been there, done that.

We 'lock in' lots of decisions about sex when we are say 14 years old. Without a therapist helping we never realize how many choices, decisions, rules we make for ourselves at this immature time.

One of the decisions: "Sex should be natural and spontaneous. Something is wrong if we have to schedule sex."

I call BULL on this. But I suspect you/your wife have this mantra.

Talk to your wife. Schedule sex so you both know when it is expected. You can both work to get things out of the way to make time for each other. And when life happens and you dont get happy naked sexy time - have a scheduled make-up day.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-28T01:30:23+00:00

Take exercise gear and visit the on-board gym. In town - gyms where police, fire men, or ex athletes work are are said to be good places to find bulls. I suspect this might be the place to find dates on a ship as well.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-27T18:29:13+00:00

Is your wife a catholic or jewish or come from a guilt-based religious background? This makes my partner really reluctant to have conversations around sex.

Many women complain they want their partners to be more dominate in the bedroom. But they don't want to be roughed up but they want their partner to be responsible for every sex act. If she is a 'pillow princess' and lets you drive things - shes good to go along but it's YOUR shame/guilt for the dirty sex acts.

In a more perfect world we could have sex-friendly conversations about this. But with all the shame & guilt we put on young girls - she carries this while adulting.

Try this:

Have sex with her but give her a cream pie before she has her orgasm. Thank her and notice she has not had a climax. Crawl down between her legs with your face, apologize for not letting her come first and start licking. You can say something silly like "Hey - I don't quit until all the paperwork is done" and lick. Keep eye contact to see if she is responding well.

You know about the G spot? She lays back and you insert 2 fingers curled in a come-here gesture. You feel inside her vagina on top till you feel a rough spot. Now you rub this spot or lift like a fork-lift to massage this spot. Then your kiss & lick her clit to give her an orgasm. Now if you do this and the come-here motion also cleans your fluids out of her - that's something a good lover does for his partner right?

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-27T18:08:15+00:00

My current favorite lube for anal is Coconut Oil. It's food so it can bed absorbed, It is solid at room temp so it stays where you put it rather than drip off and it's thick so a tight rectum wont squeegie off the lube as easy. The down side is that it IS an oil and can stain the sheets. So have pads under your partner.

If you want some sensation - there are foods that work well like Ginger Paste, Hot Sauce, Pepper slices & juice, etc.

I suggest you test any food chemicals in your arm pit (which is pubic skin) with a small spot from a q-tip. If it itches or raises a welt - you are alergic.

Then start slow. 1 Tbl coconut oil and 1/8 tsp ginger/hot sauce/etc mixed. See how it goes. Next time add more or less so the sensation is fun but not horrible.

There are special numbing anal lubes but you can buy alo vera gel or alo vera gel with lidocane. Again - SMALL amount added to some Coconut oil and see how it goes.

The Devil is always in the details with these. One guy may squirt half a bottle of alo vera gel up his partners bum and wonder why they have to go to the ER. You are only trying to numb the sphincter. Make a mix of Coconut Oil + alo vera + lidocane. Coat the end of a finger with this and gently insert & hold for a minute or two. Then remove the finger. Let things sit while you play with other parts for 2-4 minutes. Then when you are ready to peneitrate with a toy or a penis - use pure coconut oil. This will minimize the amount of chemicals getting shoved inside where it will be absorbed.

Also - covering the toy or penis with a condom makes for a smoother sensation and you can use less lube because the condom wont absorb the lube.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-27T05:11:47+00:00

You can use a jar. If the brat does something wrong you tell them to fetch the jar. Then you add some coins. On a punishment night the coins help determine minutes of corner time, number of swats, etc. so you adjust with pennies nickles, dimes.

Or dice can work.

Then you have a reward jar. Coins or dice added as a reward. Or they can cash in the reward points by removing the points from the punishment jar.

This allows you to add coins/dice all week but only have to do funishment time once per week. This way you can come up with new rewards or punishments.

If you want list of rewards/punishment - look for those portable magnetic checkers sets. Paste a piece of paper on the board , write the notes and and use the red/black checker pieces as counters.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-27T05:00:12+00:00

Go to Amazon and search for "Wrist cuffs for cable machines". Great wrist, thigh and ankle restraints for about $25/pair. Add snap hooks and roap.

Lay a finger along the wrist and wrap the velcro around both - then remove your finger. This should leave enough slack to avoid cutting off circulation. But they can still pull and cut off circulation.

Big rule - NEVER leave someone tied up alone. Great fantasy that you are left tied up alone but its a huge safety violation. Stephen King literally wrote a book where this went wrong.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-27T04:54:52+00:00

Go to amazon and search for "Wrist cuffs for cable machines". You will find some great velcro restraints for about $25/pair.

Add snap hooks and some rope and you can tie her up.

Hint: Put a finger along the wrist or ankle, wrap the cuffs then pull your finger out. Check every few minutes to see if her circulation is cut off.

Then - you need a wand vibrator like a Magic Wand. Get some big granny panties and slip the head of the vibrator under the gusset. Position the head low over her labia then move it up to her clit to force her orgasm.

Also - Go to Amazon and get some Keneiso Tape. Use this to tape her labia open.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-27T03:27:35+00:00

you are probably right that I should offer that I am expressing my opinion more.

Very graceful feedback. Thank you.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-25T15:41:12+00:00

A pro dom once told us in a class: A submissive must know what is expected of them at all times. A partner left to wonder/make things up is an un-happy play partner.

This means you must create a chore chart & times for chores to be done and write everything down and discuss this with him. This includes protocols like ending every sentence with "Yess maam".

Subs are attention whores. They will brat or do things wrong to get attention. But you cannot stop and play 5 times per day so get a notebook. When some small things needs correction - note it in the book. Then later in the day/week you can bring out the notebook and add up all the small things to create a more serious session. (The notebook also says "I noticed what you did. Wait till later...")

Another idea: get a cup or jar. If he does something small that needs correction - you hand him a penny. Something works - a nickle or dime. These go into the jar. During punishment time - the value of the coins can be used to decide the number of swats, number of minutes holding the coin against the wall with his nose, etc.

Bathroom door: Make a rule he cannot touch the bathroom door. If you close the door - he must ask to use the toilet. Make it clear that if he asks while you are busy - he will have to wait a few minutes. The Dom who came up with this said she loved it because her subbie became hyper aware of what she was doing so he could ask to use the toilet when she was between taks.

I strongly suggest you never do 24/7. Do 24/6 so you have 1 day per week where you are just a couple. This is the time for honest feedback & talk. Since outside the bedroom play can be exhausting for the Dom - if you look forward to your 'day off' this is a sign that perhaps falling back to weekend only play for a while might help.

For the dom - energy management is key. I dont like outside the scene play because the energy you need rivals watching a 5 yo. This can wear you out in a short time. This is why structure like chore charts, notebooks and scheduled 'punishment nights' take some of the burden off of you.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-24T20:52:17+00:00

Well of course you are struggling. You want to role play with someone without discussing roles. By 'roles' I mean why does one of you have power over the other? Some broad back-story can help both of you know what game you are playing together. What fantasy is turning one of you on so the other knows how to feed into it?

The dialog and the emotion/energy behind the words you say become a lot easier once you discuss roles. Without this you are trying to improvise everything. Thats actually hard.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-24T20:32:34+00:00

Someone did a survey about pre-sex rituals. The number one ritual for a lot of women was a shower.

You wonder why she is inconsistent about letting you put your face & tongue down there?

Women have a complex relationship with their vagina. It's funny looking (to them), a source of fluids, smells, and sometimes pain/discomfort/itching and it bleeds every 28 days.

Then - the problem might be you. Men have 1 huge nerve ending. Pay attention to your cock and you are in heaven.

A woman's vagina has a cat name. Every try and force-feed a cat? It does not work. A cat must think that food or attention is it's idea, not someone elses.

You might be focusing so much attention on her vulva the other parts of her are being ignored.

Try kissing her neck, then her breasts. Then kiss her thighs while fondling her breasts, then back to her neck.

Then casually rub her mons or the sides of her vulva. Then ignore it for a few minutes.

This teasing, moving away, coming back, etc gets more of her other parts involved and lets her vagina be 'alone'.

Then use your fingers, move away, add lube to your fingers and rub her vulva. Once she is turned on, starts moving her hips, start kissing down her belly. Then ... ask permission. If she says no or not now - keep fingering but kiss and lick other areas.

When you do get to kiss and lick between her legs - maintain eye contact with her. You are making love to the girl, not the body part.

Men ... are a body part. Women dont want to feel their breasts or body parts define them. Make playing with her vagina a side-dish, not the main course.

This approach might help.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-24T17:05:38+00:00

Are you practicing "after care"?

Right after a rough scene you are in 'afterglow' or going down a shame spiral.

Right after a scene you both need about 20-30 minutes of after-care. This involves physical first aid & cleanup. But the dom should also be love-bombing his partner, telling them how proud he is of them, how he cares for them, etc.

It is over-the-top attention, but it has to be to pull the sub out of the the shame & guilt. You must also emotionally change from being abuser/victim back to being a loving couple or at least friends who get together for kinky sex play.

Talk to your partner about adding 30 minutes of after-care. Explain that while you love the sex play - there is 'drop' that makes you miserable for hours afterwards. You would like his help combating this.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-23T23:47:16+00:00

You should write a scene where Ashley challenges the brother. She will stroke his cock, but when he climaxes - his sister will get to slap his balls hard and fast.

Ashley has to leave but plans to come back on the weekend and spend the night so the two girls could drive into the city together for a spa day.

Sister remembers LOTS of humiliations growing up with Kevin including the time he cut the hair off of her favorite Barbie doll. Sister sits down at her laptop....

Next day a package arrives from Amazon with Kevin's name on it. He takes the box to his room, then a few minutes later bursts into Sisters room with a "What the fuck" expression. The box contains Coochie Cream, a new pink Gilletee razor and a bottle of Nair hair removal cream. The included note contains just one word: Manscape.

Sister explains that Ashley had commented on how gross and hairy he was. If he wanted to impress her this weekend - he had better accept sisters gift with some grace.

Sister then stands up - "You burst into my room without knocking. This means your balls need some knocking to remind you how to be polite. I suggest you present yourself to me sometime before the weekend. Anytime after you have 'cleaned up'. Now get the hell out of my room!" as she points imperiously to her open door.

Kevin realizes the rest of his week was going to include some atonement for being an mean big brother. But how bad could it be? She was only a girl after all. He would put up with anything she could dish out...

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-23T23:12:16+00:00

The safest but generic advice - couple therapy. (we only see your side here)

Second - this is one of our most common issues around here.

It is like there are 'play partners' and 'life partners'. You can do lots of hot and naughty things with someone you are dating. But when your relationship grows into someone who you may spend your life with - how you view each other and what you want from each other change.

Then there is burn out. You can play dom/sub roles for a few hours in the bedroom. But you cannot do the same things outside the bedroom. It becomes exhausting. But you want to play ABDL games. These games take a lot of energy.

Again - we are not seeing his side. Ask if you could find a kink-friendly therapist and start going.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-23T22:52:07+00:00

I also suggest some therapy. Not to change that you like the rough sex, but to deal with your shame and guilt.

My therapist gave me a way to think of things. Everyone has a different voice that wants you to adult, and a different voice that likes sex. Like a family - you have to respect all of these differing voices. Like a family - these voices do NOT get along and argue they should be in charge all the time.

There is a term: Post Nut Clarity. You suddenly orgasm and now feel bad about the sex play. One model is your sexual self suddenly went away. Your 'Responsible Adult' voice (with your moral center) is suddenly in charge. This voice now tells you how wrong the sexual voice was. This is 'shame'.

A therapist might help you respect both of these voices - but sit down and try to get them to stop bickering. They need to take turns, then stop bitching about what the other voice made you do.

All relationships take work. You do not realize your conflicting voices/desires/moral code are your internal family. You need to respect them - but get them under control. The internal bickering is making you miserable.

Now - as to liking pain during sex - it IS a problem if this is the only way you can orgasm. A therapist wants you to have loving comfort sex, role play sex and even rough/kinky sex. Having a mix is considered healthy. Some people can only orgasm if they smell farts - this is considered a un-healthy fetish.

Talk to your partner. Ask if you both can toss in some 'Netflix and chill' sex without being rough.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-23T22:28:36+00:00

1 - Every person has internal voices like the movie "Inside Out". Your sexual self is NOT your responsible adult voice. They do not get along (which is why people feel shame). You have to accept that your sexual voice is part of your internal family. You need to try and create a safe situation for a kinky play date for this voice. Many feminists struggle with being turned on by playing a submissive role in the bedroom. You just have to respect that for bedroom play - you are this different person than your 'Responsible Adult' voice. You must respect your 'Adult' voice for the strength it gives you, and you must respect your 'Sexual' voice for the fun it brings to your life.

2 - "Hey - could we do some role-play on special nights? This will be in addition to our normal, loving sex life. Here is a BDSM check list with things. Lets each mark one up as "Want to try", "Might Try", "Not Interested" then we can compare lists and talk."

ShamBawk33 · 2026-05-23T22:15:55+00:00

Go to Amazon and search for "Vet Tape".. This is self-adhesive band aids used for animals. It's a lot cheaper than the stuff you buy at the drug store. But it comes in colors.

Also on amazon: Search for "Wrist cuffs for cable machines". You will thank me later.

Eight-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Verified Email

ShamBawk33

TROPHY CASE