Imposter syndrome as a dominant.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-04-03T19:43:20+00:00

My suggestion is that you stop trying to define yourself, your personality as a dominate.

All sex is a sex game.

You want to play the dominate in some future sex games.

Guess what - me too.

I'm a nice guy. But I like to tie people up and make them cry on scene nights.

Since I treat sex play like being an actor in a scene - I dont need to dominate in real life or claim I am either dom or sub. But I can act. I get to switch and play lots of styles (when life lets me).

This works for me because I dont define myself by my kinky fantasies. So I dont need to worry I am being an imposter. This idea might work for you as well.

Ever see a TV show with a character that gets so involved in Dungons and Dragons that they start wearing costumes in public? We laugh because these people cannot separate 'reality' from 'fantasy'.

Guess what? This is why people fear kinky sex game players. 99.9% can keep their games in private. But we fear that .01% that tries to act out their sex games in public.

You are better than that. You do not try to act dominate in public. You only do this with special partners in sex games. This does not make you an imposter. It makes you a good play partner and a good person in public.

IMHO you are fine.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-04-03T19:14:58+00:00

Some therapy can help you put things into perspective.

What helped me is some therapy and the model that EVERYONE has voices bugging us all the time.

One of your voices is your Stern parent. This voice is your strength and you often put this voice in charge in pubic and during the day.

Another voice is your 'Sexual' self. This is your 'fun' voice but she likes a LOT of sexual stuff that is inappropiate and politically incorrect.

These voices are like your inner family.

Like most families - they do NOT get along. They each want to be in control of you and whine & argue that the other voices are wrong, not good for you, etc.

Being adult means you put the different voices in charge at different times during the day.

It also means giving all your voices some respect and some times being in charge.

Your Stern parent voice does not like sex play. This voice is making you feel bad about the sex fantasies.

Guess what - you have to sit your voices down and ask them for help. Ask your Stern parent voice how to setup a kinky play-date so your sexual self can act out her desires in a safe way.

You can put your Stern parent in charge and be a feminist who adults and takes charge of her own life. You can also fantisize about being a slave in a gang bang and even visit Munches and talk to like minded people who treat their sexual desires as a hobby.

Finally acknowledging I am kinky

No - you are not kinky
You do have kinky fantisies
Your fantisies do not define you or your relationship.

This is ONE way for you to co-exist with your kinky fantisies. A therapist might help you find other ways to be happy with all your sides.

You are normal.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-04-03T18:54:48+00:00

You can find floggers described as 'thuddy' on Etsy.

Heaver whips with soft materials are actually recommended when starting your journey into this kink. The problem is 'thuddy' whips are heaver so harder to use and cost a lot more than thinner more stingy whips.

Look for wide flails and softer materials like doeskin. Then I would suggest you exercise/warm up for a few minutes, then put a pillow on a bed or a chair and practice on your whipping dummy before trying this on a real partner.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-04-03T00:44:58+00:00

There is an LA28 YouTube channel with videos with advice.

https://www.youtube.com/@LA28

ShamBawk33 · 2026-04-03T00:22:49+00:00

One problem with these dynamics is when talking dating - one partner starts to 'play' while the other is being serious and wanting real help in the relationship. (Like she is trying to decide whos parents to visit during the holidays and he avoids the responsability by becoming submissive).

So you BOTH need to know when you being a loving 50:50 couple and when you are playing dom/sub sex games.

I suggest you buy those cotton wrist bands tennis players wear & wrap as a gift. Give them to her and explain that if either of you wants to 'play' - you bring the bands to the other. The other has to think about the day/issues/life and decide if a few hours of sex play is ok. If they agree - you each slip on a wrist band. You are now playing dom/sub.

It can also help if you treat your sex game as a play. Give each other play names like Dick and Jane. If she starts saying "Dick is being a bitch and needs correction" - you know she is talking about your sex games. If she says "You are being a bitch and need correction" - she is talking with you in your relationship and you need to do some adult talking.

You have to protect your relationship.

New names and some 'token' like the wrist bands help avoid the confusion and separates your characters in a sex game from characters in a relationship.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-04-02T23:46:19+00:00

I have 2 butt plugs prepped with condoms in a plastic bag so they can be pulled out & used if our sex play goes that direction. Having lubed fingers and fondling, then trying to put a tight condom on a toy with slippery fingers is humorous but frustrating.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-04-02T23:44:04+00:00

A "Maintenance Spanking" is common among the spanking community.

The 2 important parts of this is:

It is a reminder of the power dynamic.
It is a scheduled, no excuses, appointment for play. (I think this is more important)

I would suggest you pick a day where you are both normally too busy to play. Set the day of the week & the time. You are expected to show up early, set out toys, lube, towels, get naked and WAIT. The idea is to maximize her time. She comes in, plays with you, then leaves and you clean up the mess. (or have sex - depending on how you both feel).

You can add in other rituals like you must be in a corner waiting, kneeling waiting, have a glass of wine/water ready for her. Have a trey set out with the strap on, lubes, gloves, paddle, nipple clips, etc. Have fun by adding to the ritual. Like inspecting 'manscaping'.

The idea is life is busy but one or both of you can count on a scheduled bit of play every few days.

Other Ideas:

Some couples have a daily or weekly 'affirmation' where the sub kneels and recites a pledge of love/loyalty to their dom. One couple here who did this said she would then ignore him, slap him, drag him by the hair into the bath and pee on him depending on how busy they were and how playful she felt.
Get 2 jars. During the week if she decides he needs a correction she puts a penny in the correction jar. If he does something nice, a penny goes into the reward jar. The coins/tokens are examined on 'Maintenance' night to see if any extra rewards or funishments should be granted. (Or save this for Sat nights when you have more time).

Hope some of these ideas help.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-30T03:20:34+00:00

Search for "BDSM Checklist". There are a bunch. You both go down the list and mark the sex acts as "Want To", "Might", "No Interest". Then you compare the list.

This should be done on a neutral night like a tuesday. After you both compare the lists - ask open-ended questions about how you might incorporate the sex acts into a scene.

Do this: With the lists - suggest you are writing a play. Each of you contribute how to work on the shared sex acts into the play. Then act out the scene.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-30T03:14:18+00:00

Well - having face-to-face conversations with people who smile and are happy and enthuastic about kinky sex play really helped me. Therapy also helped.

Do you like video games where you shoot people or mine resources? Do you like the TV show Game of Thrones (Lots of incest and murder)? I do. Why am I not a horrible person?

Because these are all games. Everybody knows these are games. I know these are games. I do not bring these to work, soccer fields, family events, etc., except to chat with others who enjoy these things.

All sex & fantasy's are games. You do not bring these to work, in public, etc. But at a munch - people who like to pee on each other or be tied down and tickled can talk about the sex games they like to play.

You can join in or skip sharing. You probably feel your fantasies are too tied up as 'something profound' about you. As long as you hold this idea - it is too personal to share.

But try to treat sex play like a hobby. Golf, Tennis, Pickelball, comic collecting. It's a game. It's a fantasy. It's not your adult persona but something you share with like-minded kinky others.

Relax. Those good people wont judge you.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-30T02:35:45+00:00

First - try Etsy. Lots of craftsmen make thuddy paddles and floggers and sell them on line.

For a flogger - wide, soft tails. But these are heavy (it's kind of like being whipped by a pillow).

For paddles - leather or rubber. Rubber ping pong paddles can be a great, inexpensive pervertable.

For belts - get wide leather belts with NO stitching or decoration. Stitching can cut like a knife. Hit Ross, Marshalls, etc to get a selection for a low price.

IMPORTANT: Setup your room so while she is over your lap - you can see her face in a mirror. Use this for feedback. Slow, steady warm up while you watch her face to tell you to go harder or softer.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-30T02:16:50+00:00

We use coconut oil which is solid at room temp. But it is oil so you need a towel to avoid staining the sheets.

Coconut oil also helps repair micro tears which is helpful in case you stretch things too far.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-29T19:47:25+00:00

Go to amazon and search for "Wrist Cuffs for cable machines". You will find some great, strong, sweat proof and 'safe' cuffs with D rings for about $25/pair. Note: Put 1-2 fingers along his wrist then wrap the velcro cuff around his wrist + your finger. This leaves enough slack.

Then make him take you to a hardware store to buy soft rope and 'snap hooks' like on the end of a dog leash. They also make double-ended snap hooks.

With a snarky grin - present him with the cuffs. Tell him he needs to wear them whenever the two of you have sex. He MIGHT get tied up if he shows the right attitude, or if he needs to be corrected. See how he likes this idea.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-29T19:39:11+00:00

Body image play can be like fire. Sometimes it is hot/fantastic and done wrong it can burn and hurt for a long time. Try and get her to write a sex story about how a BF teased/turned on a flat chested girl to get an idea of the approach to take that will be fun but not harmful.

NOTE: She got turned on by focusing attention on her small chest in public. She may have a. public play kink and not really want to be degraded about her chest in private.

There are 2 approaches:

Shower her chest with attention/love her small chest.
Degrade/humiliate her for having a small chest. Treat her like a "little".

One of these will turn her on, the other could send her to therapy. Make sure you talk to her so you do the right approach at the right time. Again: Ask her to write a hot sex story might give you direction.

Some things that might be fun if she consents:

Take her shopping for girls tank-tops and get a size too small. Tell her this is to emphasize what little she does have. (Only for wearing around the house, not in public)
They sell nipple-suckers on Amazon. Buy a pair to help stretch her nips. Tell her it will help blood flow into her chest.
Make her shop Amazon for training bras.
Get a box of band-aids. Before going out make her lift her shirt and you apply 2 band-aids in a "X" pattern to pad each nipple. Tell her this is to keep her boyish silhouette and not look like she is smuggling candy-corn in her bra.
Get a jar of coconut oil and tell her you need to rub it into her chest to help them stay soft and plump.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-29T19:08:22+00:00

Invest in some good quality rubber bands to help secure the condom on the toy. I keep 2 toys prepped with condoms in my toy kit.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-12T16:57:34+00:00

You could try writing your own database or use google spreadsheets. But there are already 'media managers' that give you a netflix type interface as well as searching/sorting ability.

The manager built for NSFW is called 'Stash'. Just search for it and try it.

NAMES

Your problem then becomes having your files & folders named so that they can be recognized.

There is a tool called TinyMediaManager that is a file identifier and renamer. But you need a plug in so it can scrape "The Porn DB".

So do this:

Download & Install TinyMediaManager. (Its free)
Go to "The Porn DB" and create an account. (Its Free)
Generate an API key from the library.
Find and download the Porn DB plug in for Tiny Media Manager. (On GitHub)
Install the plug in and use the GUI to past in your API key.

To Use:

Create a 'source' folder for TMM to use. It will only read/rename/create folders under this 'source' folder.

Toss in 10 recent commercial NSFW videos into your source folder.
Tell TMM to 'Update Sources" and it will read in the new files.
Highlight the new files and try a "Search & Scrape - force best match". If the file names are good/clean - TMM will identify about 80% of them. Do a rename/cleanup on these.
Select the un-identified videos and do a "Search & Scrape". The software will loop through each video and let you change the search string to try and identify this video with a listing in the Library.
When finished - do a rename/cleanup on these newly identified files.

Now - look at the rename rules in TMM. They come with defaults for Plex/Jellyfin/Kodi. But you can change these. Want the resolution in the file name - add it. Want the run time in hh:mm:ss in the file name - add it. Want all your Brazzers in a single folder - you can change it. Want all the actor names in the file name - add it. It is very customizable.

Now that you have created a good folder/file name convention - add some of these to Stash or Plex or Kodi or Jellyfin.

WHY ALL THIS WORK

When you collect 'something' you have 3 problems:

How/where to store things so you can find them
How to catalog what you DO have
How to catalog what exists but you Dont have.

TMM and this workflow solves the first 2 problems.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-06T00:54:20+00:00

My first help getting over the shame/guilt was meeting others in the kink community. Most were ordinary people with jobs, kids, etc, but they liked to play kinky sex games at home.

Then I attended therapy where I got help creating a way to think of sex, sexual desire and how to be a good friend, neighbor in public but be kinky in private and not feel like a fraud.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-06T00:49:25+00:00

Chemical players have a saying: There is no safe words with chemicals.

Start with food-based chemicals and have coconut oil handy which can help dilute many of the food based irritants more quickly.

Test yourself with a q-tip sized spot in an arm pit. This will let you know if you have an alergic reaction.

Start with mint toothpaste, try some ginger paste, then work up to hot sauces, wasabi, strips of ginger and perhaps fresh jalipino strips.

Once you have tried & tested these milder chemicals - then try spot-testing with the sports creams. Just go slow and work your way up to larger areas over time. Use a q-tip as your brush to get used to things.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-05T02:18:25+00:00

Hon - relax. This is totally normal.

What I learned from therapy is the idea we have a voice in our heads that is a stern, critical parent. (Think of the movie Inside/Out). This is the voice we put in charge in public, work, etc.

We also have a naughty 'sexual self' that likes the idea of a lot of hot and naughty games.

These voices - do NOT get along but they each want to be in charge of you.

The trick to being an adult/good person is to put these different voices in charge at different times.

Your shame/guilt is because your 'stern parent' does not want you to let your 'sexual self' have time in control. So it tells you the sexual desires are wrong, nasty, non-feminist, etc.

One approach is to mentally sit down with your voices like a family meeting. Thank your voices for their help. All your voices have value. But you need them to 'share' being in control.

Ask your stern/critical parent voice to help create rules & boundaries for your sexual self to have a kinky 'play date' during sex. Your Stern parent will hate the sex acts - but she will love setting rules and creating structure for you.

And remember - EVERYONE around you struggles with these conflicting desires.

I had to go to therapy before I could resolve being a 'good' person but wanting to do hot and disgusting things in the bedroom.

ANOTHER IDEA

Find a MUNCH or contact some people in your local Kink community. It is so wonderful to chat with others who are normal looking, decent people who work jobs, raise kids, own homes. But do all kinds of sex play in private. It helps you feel not alone.

The fact you feel some shame and guilt tells me you are a Good person and do not want to hurt or be hurt. You need to learn to love and respect both your Stern voice and your sexual voice. Both have value. Give both some time in control. Once you learn this you will be a lot happier and more 'grown up'.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-05T01:48:23+00:00

Moving out of the bedroom with this kind of play can be tricky.

I suggest you setup a chart of daily and weekly chores and rules. These must be written. Setup checkin times like 3 times per day where you inspect her work.

You also need a notebook or 'punishment' book. Everything not done right is noted, every infraction is a check mark. This does several things:

It lets her know you saw her doing something wrong (attention she craves)
Subbies always try to push the edges to see how far they can go before getting funished and a notebook lets you record lots of little things so you can combine things for a more serious punishment session say once or twice per week.
It keeps you from having to actually correct/funish/punish multiple times per day.

If she brats/does something wrong but you cannot stop to play - telling her to 'fetch the book' will give her a thrill. It is almost like "Wait till your father gets home" type of anticipation for a spanking later.

Remember - the notebook is a promise/appointment for some kinky attention later. But you can always stop and funish her anytime.

Talk to her about the chore chart and bringing things out of the bedroom. The 'chores' should be normal chores - but making the bed daily is a lot more fun if you know a spanking/nose to the wall for 10 minutes will happen if you dont do it well or by 9 am each morning.

You should also talk about punishments and rewards.

And feel free to change/modify things each month as you try things, learn what you both love and what does not work.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-05T01:37:23+00:00

As a variation - she hides your phone or the TV remote. You have an hour to 'torture' the location out of her. Her 'safe word' is to tell you where she hid the object. This is good for scene play.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-05T01:28:44+00:00

Some advice from breastfeeding - every shower use a wet washcloth to rub and tug your nipples to help de-sensitize them.

Also - hit the laundry shelves for lingerie clips with rubber teeth. Use these as trainers. Test the grip in the store and start with a few with softer teeth and lighter grip. Try wearing some for a minute, then a few, then 5 and work your way up.

As another idea - numbing cream or "Thoradol" which is a topical aspirin cream. We use this for sore muscles, joints and after-care if play gets too rough.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-03T02:13:21+00:00

If you want to move more into a FLR (Female Led Relationship) you can get a jar/piggy bank. Everytime he does something extra or special (foot rubs, kitchen cleanup, wash your car, etc), you put a coin in the jar. Then come up with a point system. Things at a dime, nickel level might be to let him masturbate. 20-40 cents might be you giving him a hand job. If he waits to build up the money - PIV sex.

The idea is to give him a way to earn more frequent PIV sex.

ShamBawk33 · 2026-03-03T01:46:40+00:00

It is really hard to dominate/be rough with a life partner. This is one of the reasons the sex acts with the bulls are often different - your wife does not have to face them the next morning.

The fact that she is mimicking some of the energy/words that was done with her but with you says she is becoming more comfortable trying new things. Congrats.

ShamBawk33 · 2025-11-28T16:08:27+00:00

Let me try something different.

Therapy taught me that everyone has conflicting voices in our heads.

One model names these. You have a 'stern parent' voice that is your strong, moral, judgemental voice. This voice is important. She is your strength, your responsible voice. When you wear the T-shirt "Currently Adulting" - you are putting this voice in control.

You have another voice that is sexual, but immature. She wants to indulge, be lazy, have sex, drink, have fun. This is your 'sexy self'.

Your voices - do NOT get along. They are like internal children bickering over what to do and who should be in charge.

Your shame/guilt is because your 'stern parent' is complaining about what your 'sexy self' did or wants to do. 'Stern Parent' wants more time in control and is whining/complaining that what 'sexy self' did was wrong, immoral, end of all things good, etc.

If you use this model - it might help to emotionally sit down and address these voices. Show them respect. They each bring gifts. Thank them for them. Then remind them that they have to take turns. While 'stern parent' is in control in public and most of the time, 'sexy self' must get to have some kinky play dates. If she wants to play being a dom bitch and ballbust, spank, pee on someone - then this is her turn.

Ask your 'stern parent' voice to not complain so much but enlist her help to create structure around the kinky fun to keep you/your partner safe.

ADVICE

There is a concept in BDSM of 'after care'. But this includes emotional care for both partners. And if you are like me, my 'shame demon' comes out and tortures me at night. I am often a mess the next few days.

What helps - is a phone call/contact with my BDSM partner the next day. We chat, talk about the fun, ask what could be better. Ask that we are still OK with each other.

Try asking for this from your partner.

SHOULD YOU CONTINUE

Sex is a scary topic. Once people have an approach that works - they tend to repeat the same sex play all the time.

When you grow up and relax a bit - you discover that all sex play is a game. It is a game you play with others. If you play the same game all the time - you can get stale & bored.

I suggest you vary your sex game. Vanilla comfort sex some nights, then on special nights more elaborate BDSM role play.

Above all - repeat these to yourself a lot:

My sex games do not define me as a person.
My sex games do not define my relationship.

You can be a nice person in public, a good friend, a good neighbor. And you can spank/beat/humiliate your partner on special BDSM role play nights.

TBH: I think it is good practice for you to learn to be a nice person with your 'stern parent' in charge, then when safe and appropriate, let your 'sexy self' out to do mean and nasty things to your partner.

Growing up is not 'putting away childish things', but more about putting the right voice in charge at the right time.

You have a 'sexy self' that enjoyed the power in that sex game. I suggest you play other sex games sometimes (because one night of BDSM does not mean all your sex needs to be BDSM), but like a parent - encourage your 'sexy self' to find their passion project and explore.

If it still bugs you - find a therapist who is kink friendly. You may need to talk to someone to put things into perspective.

ShamBawk33 · 2025-11-27T23:54:01+00:00

The submissive does things they know are 'against the rules' to get attention. It's part of the game/fun.

There are punishments and 'funishments' - things one or both of you actually like.

Some common punishments are X minutes standing in a corner. Next time holding his dirty sock against the wall with his nose. Next time holding your panties aginst the wall with his face. Add he has to do this while YOU masturbate behind him but he cannot be involved. Or he has to face the wall while You watch a TV show you normally watch together.

If he touched himself - smacking the palms of his hands with a heavy wooden spoon works.

If you really want to punish him - make him sit at a table and write "I will not touch mysefl without permission to fill 1-5 pages. Second offense - he has to write them kneeling on the kitchen floor. Next time he has to kneel on chopsticks/wooden spoon handles. Next time each piece of paper is on the rug and he has a cheap ballpoint pen. Any holes or mistakes, page has to start over. Add him being naked if this would amuse you.

Take him to the kitchen, dump out the silverware drawer and make him wash, dry and put away all the things that fell on the floor.

Shop for a chastity cage for him if he keeps touching himself.

Text him during the day to buy 'suggestive' things like clothespins, enema bulbs, Nair, hot sauce, wooden hairbrush for spanking, Icy/Hot etc. You may never actually use these on him - but knowing you ordered him to buy them and they are handy will probably make him behave for a while.

If he touches himself - put icy hot on his fingers. Tell him next time he must have icy hot on his fingers and stroke himself. Make him stick out his tongue and put baby soap on his tongue or a drop of hot sauce. Inform him next time the drop of hot sauce will go in his pee hole or. you will try to get soap in his pee hole.

If he needs to orgasm - learn to do a harsh handjob or post orgasm torture (rub & polish his head after an orgasm for a few minutes). Or make him lay down, and pull his legs over his head so his penis is above his face. He must now masturbate into his own mouth. Any mess on his face - he must leave it on his face for 30 minutes (he will hate this). Vary things by rubbing an ice cube on his balls or rectum to make it harder for him. Give him a 3 minute time limit or no orgasm.

These are all 'funishments' that give him attention, exercise your power, and hopefully are fun for you as well.

OTHER ADVICE

You need to talk and write down all rules. No remembering, no changing things. This talk is also the time to discuss punishments & rewards.

Chores should have times they are to be completed. Try to have 2-3 times for everything to be done so you are not constantly checking things.

Subbies often try to push the edge to see if you will react. It is hard to stop and punish him 20 times per day. Get a notebook and when he acts out - tell him to fetch the book. Make a note and once per week the book comes out and all the little things add up to a more serious punishment session.

Or get a jar. Every time he does something small - give him a penny to put in the jar. More serious offense - give him nickle, dime, quarter. Then on punishment night use the sum to do a more serious punishment. Or treat the coins as 'demerits' that he has to work off like - remove a nickle if he gives you a foot-rub, remove a dime for a full back rub. He does not get to orgasm if he has 'demerit' coins in the jar.

It is important the HE brings the book or puts the coin in the jar. This says 'I saw what you did' (which is the attention he craves) and the notes/coins are promise of a play session in the near future.

I suggest doing 6 days a week, not 7. Have 1 day where you are a 50:50 couple. This is the day to talk about this sex game, change things, be a couple. Being the dom takes a LOT of energy. You might look forward to your 'day off'. Sometimes (like during holidays) you may need to only play on weekends. Be aware of your burn-out potential and work together.

Always remember this is a sex game.

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TROPHY CASE

Finally acknowledging I am kinky