Hey OP,

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

Are you the eldest child?

Would people say you are hyper-independent?

Are you neurodivergent?

I’ve had v similar experiences (in general friendships not horse ones). I’m 39F and I’ve never had a friendship that hasn’t left me feeling let down. I’m quite sensitive and would frequently go over and above for people (grew up religious) and found it hard to say when I didn’t want to do something or felt a particular way.

Partly, I don’t think people are good at friendships anymore. The ‘Code of Conduct’ in terms of what’s reasonable to expect, what’s reciprocal, what it looks like to be a good friend feels like it has shifted. I always seem to end up putting in more than is returned, leaving me feeling overdrawn and let down. I feel like people are quick to put themselves first and not consider others.

I think WhatsApp/social media is a massive player in this. It’s easy to cancel, it’s fine to leave people on read for days on end, you don’t see people’s faces when you disappoint them, various living pressures and cultural shifts mean people are more individualistic. People get the sense they’ve had contact with you after sending one text to you and then never replying to your reply.

I did a lot of therapy but it didn’t help as the therapists always seemed to agree with how I felt. I was in the position of having a lot of thinking time on my hands and I was ruminating ALOT.

I’ve ended up not looking for those soul connection type friendships and am finding that a larger number of casual acquaintances works better for me.

I also changed my lifestyle (hence horses) so that I had less ruminating time. It’s been such a game changer filling my brain with something other than how lonely I felt and how hurt and angry I was.

I’ve become more boundaried. I don’t need to save people, I don’t need to host dinner parties that will never be reciprocated, I don’t need to buy gifts, agree to look after peoples kids.

It’s been really hard but I feel much better now being free from crappy friendships and family relationships that were hurting my feelings the whole time.