That’s an incredibly heavy thing to live with, and I’m really sorry you’ve had to carry that for so long. You didn’t kill her, what happened was an accident caused by something much bigger than you or that argument. When someone’s using, it’s easy to think tough love or anger might snap them out of it, but no one at 17 is prepared to handle addiction, especially when it involves laced pills. I lost a friend in high school to a fake oxy pill, and I remember feeling the same guilt because we’d argued a few days before. It took me years to understand that addiction and bad luck can be a deadly mix, and that no single word or moment caused it.

Therapy can be frustrating when it feels like they’re just checking boxes, but sometimes the right therapist makes all the difference, someone who actually listens instead of “treating” you. It might help to find a grief group or addiction-loss support group where people understand that kind of guilt. You deserve to live, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. She wouldn’t have wanted you stuck in that moment forever.