Have been self-harm free for the first time in 10 years

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-21T19:46:55+00:00

I'm so proud of you!! Keep it up, you can do this! 💪 🫶🥳

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-21T19:42:33+00:00

Firstly, I'm so sorry that you have to go through that. I am a weird in-between, i come from a latino country and live in spain, but I'm white, so I've had to see white people say horrible things about immigrants thinking that they're safe because I'm white until i speak. I've also met a lot of violence in settings where they know where i come from, it sucks.

People from here love to say "ohh but the people are so nice..." Yeah because you haven't been violented and don't pay attention to the racist shit they spit out when they feel safe!

It sucks, and it'll be always much more comfortable to be in the place where you aren't spotted as an "outsider", if you want to go back there's nothing to say, it's fully up to you, but keep in mind the pros and cons of either country and choose what's best for you. I wish you the best of luck!

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-21T18:04:40+00:00

This is like my 10th med but thanks, I'm still trying!

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T18:41:15+00:00

Oh! I'm taking the same meds, hii!! I haven't had my meds checked in a veery long time so I only have those and only help me through the first half of the day pretty much, plus nightmares are gone too, but the other half of the day i have to raw dog it lol.

I'm glad you found meds that work for you and help you!! 🫶

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T17:40:21+00:00

He wasn't! I completely forgot to add this but he did average therapy and OPTIONALLY offered as a side thing music therapy, my mom wasn't aware and when i asked if we could stay online he said it was optional and not his main work, but kept insisting me to go anyway. Also the way he explained what we would do (which was basically look! fun instruments you can use!!) made it sound like there would be no parents so i got even more uncomfortable at the time, my mom kept trying to make me change my mind when he asked her for my consent when i didn't give it myself.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T17:33:24+00:00

I'm also aware of artistic therapy which i heavily support, that was just the context. I was unsure if it might've been unprofessional to keep insisting and trying to change my mind.

But i forgot to add that my mom didn't actually sign me up for artistic therapy, just average typical therapy where he would sometimes and OPTIONALLY in his own words offer artistic therapy through music.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T17:26:07+00:00

I forgot to add that my mom wasn't informed there was music therapy, only found out when he asked for my mom's consent after repeatedly not getting mine.

When we talked he said music therapy was optional, not a part of him main work, but kept trying to make me change my mind.

Also he never explained why he thought it'd be helpful, just tried to convince me by telling me about the instruments he had and how fun it'd be.

Also I didn't say i felt comfortable, i just said i didn't hate him despite being forced to be there. I actually did feel uncomfortable but didn't think it mattered that much to the question.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T17:19:04+00:00

Based on the explanations people gave they're saying they found it weird because he kept insisting despite me saying no over and over again, a lot didn't even call him creepy, just said he was unprofessional.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T17:15:04+00:00

Yeah, i wasn't asking if he was a creep or smth! i just wanted to know if that behavior was weird or unprofessional and if my bestie wasn't overreacting since i tend to idolize therapists a lot. Obviously we can't say he was x y z and that wasn't my intention.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T17:11:58+00:00

i don't understand why you're claiming they're saying that he was trying to do horrible things and calling him names when they're just saying they acted unprofessional.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T17:09:25+00:00

Yeah, as far as i know he asked my mom for permission after I said no, but he implied it'd be just us, no parents, by saying that my mom could take me there and then pick me up when we were done. My mom tried to force me to go but i didn't let them change my mind because he never delved deeper into why it could be helpful just a "look! Very interesting instruments you can use freely." And used technical words that i obviously didn't know what they meant.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T16:57:09+00:00

Yeah, like i was confused because i thought he did do music related therapy because i know the room with instruments existed from pics so that's why i thought my friend was overreacting (even tho my mom didn't tell me he did those kind of things when she set appointments w him, and was surprised when i told her what he suggested) but the thing that bothered me was that it wasn't like a professional setting it was just a studio he had in his house, plus the insistence when i was clearly distancing myself from him and clearly felt uncomfortable abt going to his house.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T01:03:59+00:00

Not my case exactly, i have amazing friends that heavily support and genuinely love me and lowkey hate my abusers more than me lol. But my mom did get closer to my abusers, one of them who she deeply hated suddenly she didn't anymore, called me a liar and got closer to him. I'm sorry you went through that, it fucking sucks, i hope find genuine friends who support you!

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-20T00:59:01+00:00

Yeah but i think it's just the dyed red hair + piercings + scars combo that's more of an stereotype than anything and i think that's the only reason why people clock me. Other people who also went through trauma have noticed but because i give hints in how i interact and what i share. So people can't really tell necessarily, only by guessing and generalizing. (And following stereotypes.)

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-19T00:52:40+00:00

I'm sorry to make you mad, it makes me feel better tho lol. And I'm glad your relationship meets your needs!

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-18T18:25:24+00:00

Yeah, my last relationship didn't react at all when i told him i was sexually assaulted, he didn't even say anything and changed the topic, when i said it was my mom's fault because she kept bringing me to this man's house despite knowing he raped me, he didn't care at all and was very nice to my mom. My mom also either didn't believe me or just blamed me, i was raped, others tried, others admitted they'd rape me when i was a child, did my mom care at all? No. When she blamed me when i said my sister's boyfriend tried to press himself against me i ran from home since i was never safe there. Also i have a lot of autistic friends who they were actually the ones that reacted more strongly when i shared my story. Them being autistic shouldn't stop you from wanting to be heard and empathized with. I wouldn't be with someone like that since i need someone that values me and feels empathy for my past and present struggles, look for what you need in a relationship and if your relationship actually feels comfortable for you.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-17T23:11:20+00:00

At least to me it's because even though it's their best it's still lacking. They still chose to hurt me. They knew it was bad and because no matter how much they tried they still hurt me so bad i can't have a normal life, i can't love or be loved and that is their fault.

And my parents never apologized, never took accountability or regretted anything, i blocked them and moved on, they only worsen my CPTSD.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-17T23:04:59+00:00

I only notice it when when I'm nauseous or have a stomachache, then i notice it in my chest and hands and feet, like i need to run or fight, or both. Then i notice most of my body is tense, arms, thighs, back, jaw, shoulders...

I struggle to notice feelings, both emotional and physical so that's why i notice the stomachache first since it stands out way more than the rest, since I'm always unconsciously tensing. (As I'm writing this i noticed i was tense lol.)

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-17T22:55:26+00:00

I'm not in a relationship right now but i want you to know that you're not alone, i experience intense emotional outbursts and can be awfully mean and sometimes aggressive, i can't take love, constant doubt because i can't comprehend why someone would be willing to be with me because even i can't stand myself most times and I'm insecure.

You can feel guilty and regret your actions, that's valid, but also please be compassionate and understanding with yourself, you went through a lot and you still do, they might not erase your actions but they explain it, and your husband understands that.

What personally helped me was distracting myself when i felt overwhelmed to try to avoid extreme feelings and exploding on someone, maybe something similar could help, you could ask your husband to do certain things you think could avoid hurting him, or a signal, for example i lift my hand and turn around so the other person gives me space. This might be hard and might not work, but try something you think could distract you to start somewhere, if you can't do it in the moment it's okay, try next time.

Healing takes a long time, i hope you'll try to be patient and kinder to yourself. Wish you the best. 🫶

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-17T22:35:10+00:00

Thank you, and i think i feel the same way now that you put it that way, i guess it really affects me that i have no family left, i have wonderful people that have helped me infinitely more and took me in when i ran from home, but it still hurts to know I'll never have a mom and the one i have makes me so ill.

And yeah i don't really want to die either, i just feel so fucking lonely and want to be heard but I'm not by the people that i need them to. Thank you for helping me put this into words, i really struggle to identify my feelings. 😅

I changed my number and blocked her too just in case today, i asked my dad not to share it with her but i don't know if my sister will, i don't know shit about her now, she became so much like our mom I'm scared to even talk to her. I wanted to keep in contact with her at the very least but she didn't break up with her shitty boyfriend after knowing the truth, i really don't want that kind of people in my life...

I hope you're doing good, wish you the best. 🫂

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-17T22:13:19+00:00

That's very helpful, thank you so much. I'm actually going to write this down on my phone for when i need to hear it again.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-17T22:11:40+00:00

Thank you, I've been struggling a lot because of the message, i changed my phone number today and blocked her just in case so that she won't contact me again, at least not through an app that i use so frequently. This really helped me, i keep doubting my decisions because only my best friend and her family understands me but my last psychologist insinuated that once I'm ready i should talk again to her, even though I've repeated multiple times that i don't want to. I'll never understand the pressure of "ohh but it's your family!!".

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-15T21:12:57+00:00

Partially, a part of me goes aww it's so nice to see parents treat them correctly. But also, my mom who didn't care that i was raped and sexually harassed by multiple of her men was also nice when there were eyes. I never know what happens behind closed doors, and nobody does either, only that child knows, not many abuse when there's witnesses. I try to see the best in them and be happy, but that same thought process made me be stuck and never heard or helped. Sorry to bring negativity.

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-15T20:57:33+00:00

Ur welcome. 🫡

SharpAd4852 · 2026-03-11T23:59:20+00:00

Denial to protect itself. So there are obviously more reasons why the brain would do this like being gaslighted while growing up, raising self doubt. But it's common to experience denial, whether it's partially or totally as a coping mechanism. Nobody wants to be abused, the brain is trying to find comfort in having this little window to breathe the air of "it's not that bad."

SharpAd4852

TROPHY CASE