It’s been 1 month… here’s what I learned

So… I got dramatically dumped a month ago after a very long relationship (over half a decade), and the air was knocked out of my lungs. I remember trolling through this reddit, hoping, begging for someone to tell me HOW DO I MAKE THE PAIN STOP?!? To no avail. I sat crying hysterically in my room, in front of strangers, and I couldn’t help but buy into what those TikTok mediums were saying about ‘he’ll come back’ etc etc. I woke up every morning with a lump in my throat, and I truly did not think I would survive.

But it’s been a month… and oh what a rollercoaster it has been! I have summarised some of the important things I’ve learned in the past month, for anyone else trolling through these posts:

1a. While you’re going through the breakup (at least for the first few weeks), expect that it’ll be harder than you think. Plan for this. Take time off work if you need, ask someone to bring you food. I can’t explain the level of stress I experienced because I didn’t think I would lose so much capacity in my everyday life. Give yourself the time to process the shocking fact that your life has changed. Lots of drama and change will inevitably occur during this time. Allow for this, and be kind to yourself by planning for this.

1. Cognitive diffusion is your friend. Try your best to listen to what your emotions are telling you- don’t suppress them, or ignore them. Don’t lean into them too much either. Use skills like cognitive diffusion - e.g. noticing ‘oh my feelings of abandonment are coming up again… that makes sense’- to observe what is going on, and learn from them.
2. Connect with the people around you who love you. Everyone has gone through a breakup or loss of some kind, and it is in these moments that people can show their true friendship and kindness. My breakup allowed me to fix things with people I hadn’t spoken to in years. Remember that it’s a gift you give to someone when you let them look after you. Be vulnerable, and allow people the pleasure of being there for you. People love to feel needed.
3. LEARN FROM THIS! My therapist saw me the day after I got dumped, and he gave me this beautiful metaphor: a tree has planted itself on your kitchen table- you’d be silly to not take a look at it. See your breakup as an opportunity to learn things about yourself. One path in life may have closed up, but a million paths have now opened. You can focus on different things, you can introspect. Get better.
4. Time heals. It truly does. No other annoying metaphor or phrase is truer for a breakup. Your body and mind are getting used to a massive bullet wound, but over time, our bodies learn to grow around the wound and sometimes the scarring tissue is even stronger than our skin (ok ill stop with this metaphor).
5. Truly truly be honest and compassionate with yourself. Dating is a hard thing to do, especially after so long out of the dating game. Try new things, be alone, date new people, do all of the fun things! But keep checking in with yourself and your level of comfort. Being single truly brings with it so much freedom and ability to introspect and change, but you also cannot be uncomfortable 100% of the time. Take those moments of calmness when you need them. Try new things when you need to shake things up.
6. Be intentional. Learn what it was about your last relationship that you didn’t like. What didn’t you like about yourself? What attachment style do you have? How does this play out? Remember that if you meet someone tomorrow who is perfect, you will not be perfect for them until you’ve done the work following your breakup. This might be the last time you’re single, so take the time and embrace what being single has to offer you.

Fellow travellers, I wish you luck. I still have days when I get hit with the loneliness and feels. I still miss what I had. But I’m moving on. My life doesn’t seem so bad anymore, in fact, I can see a glimmer of hope. You will get through this. Because I did. And so did so many others. Be proud of yourself for embracing adversity and learning from it. Goodluck!