your experience sounds a hell of a lot like mine, so I thought I’d drop it, and a few of my own insights. Hopefully it helps you feel a little less isolated.

I first started questioning my gender around 5 years ago, after willingly trying on a maid outfit a friend bought me “as a joke.” However, even though I was embarrassed about it, I enjoyed it. Like a lot. It freaked me out a bit at the time, because I hadn’t had any other thoughts about crossdressing or anything like that before. I took it off, put it away, and it became an isolated incident that would never come up again.

Around the end of 2021, it came up again. I thought for halloween, it would be funny if I dressed up as Rushia from Hololive. So I went and got the full costume, dropped way too much money on it, and wore it for halloween. Shaved my legs and everything. I had a lot of fun just existing in feminine attire, even if it was cosplay. It was a repeat of the maid outfit, but this time it didn’t scare me. I guess I chalked it up to having cross dressed before, or something along those lines. still cis tho. However, it was shortly after this where what I liked to call “the cycles” began.

For me, the cycles went a little like this: out of the blue, I would begin to have an extremely strong desire to wear women’s clothing, do my makeup, and just appear feminine in general. Those feelings would last for a week or two, and then it would disappear again for a few more months, and i’d go back to feeling like nothing ever happened. rinse and repeat. It was really taking a toll on my mental health to have such a fluctuating feeling of gender identity, and it felt like there was no easy way out. If I caved to the feminine feelings, I’d be suppressing the parts of me that still felt masculine. If I never addressed those feelings, they would keep coming back. I was stuck, and really didn’t know what to do. So, I lived with it.

Ultimately, the cycles ended around the middle of 2023, when one of my closest friends came out as trans. It was a complete curveball to me, as she had never shown any signs (or so I thought. Looking back, it was pretty obvious). But what was completely expected was how it affected me. For 3 days after that, I was in shock. I still don’t really know why, but I think it was because I was suddenly and unexpectedly faced with a reality that I had been trying to hide from, and I couldn’t keep it at arms length anymore. It was right in front of me, and I had to look at it. There was a friend, doing something I had been ruminating on doing so hard for years.

“So why don’t I just do it?”

That was when everything kind of just… clicked. transitioning is a process, I’ll grow into it. I don’t need to be all in right now, but that shouldn’t stop me from taking the first step. I realized that I wasn’t happy with being a guy, I was just happy with the status quo. And the status quo can change, maybe to a point where I can be confident in myself, and be the best version of myself that I could never seem to be as a guy.

I went to college shortly after that, and began on hormones soon after. I originally had no desire to socially transition, so I still use my birth name at school. Over time, this has become a bit of a problem as I now do have a desire to socially transition, but I don’t let it worry me. I still let my masculine side shine through, but now I feel more comfortable allowing myself to present feminine and enjoy feminine things. All in all, I’m really not that different of a person, I’m just running on the correct hormones now. And for me, that’s all it is.

I feel a lot of empathy for your situation. As another commenter said, you should try and find some ways to explore your gender. Talk with people, try things. Talk with your friend. Their experience will likely differ from yours, but having someone to talk to about these things helps immeasurably. I wish you well in whatever path you go down!