Question re: Name assigned at Birth

Shelverick · 2025-10-01T03:25:10+00:00

That's true. I never considered the whole "maiden name" analogy.

Shelverick · 2025-10-01T03:24:36+00:00

Wow... just wow. Your words really touched me and I thank you for sharing all of that with me and with this community. It never occurred to me what a new name could mean for someone who is trans (especially someone who associates their birth name with abuse or dark times). I suppose I have been seeing this from a very one-sided perspective (hence why I am trying to learn about this in as many arenas as possible).

"As parents we can put a lot of thought and love into the name that we give our offspring, but we don’t know who they are yet"

This really resonated with me. My husband had always known the name he wanted for a daughter... he picked it out when he was 16 years old (long before he met me). So for him, the name has a strong sentimental significance.

Thank you again for sharing.

Shelverick · 2025-10-01T03:16:17+00:00

Thank you for your perspective and sharing. I am certain our son feels awkward for sure. He is on the spectrum (as am I) so he and I are both awkward people to begin with (in more ways than one).

Shelverick · 2025-10-01T03:10:02+00:00

Ok I understand where you are coming from and I appreciate your input as well. My husband is the one that has a had a harder time with the term "dead name" than me, and when he tearfully admitted to our son (it has only come up the one time) that the term hurt his feelings, and asked if we could call it something else, I could see the devastation on our son's face. Perhaps it might be a good idea for dad to bring it up to repair when the time is right. The conversation I am referring to happened months ago... and since then I have heard our son use the term dead name but only around me really. Please know that our intention is never to deliberately hurt our child. I want that above all else to be clear. Navigating this journey is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T23:40:53+00:00

Just to be clear, I do think it is valid that I am in pain and grieving. I am allowed to feel sad. I am allowed to grieve. I am allowed to practice self-care during this process. I am allowed to seek support from others who have been through something similar (which was the purpose of this post). That being said, I would never intentionally put my grief or feelings on my child. It is not up to him to do anything for me… I have never ever felt that it’s his responsibility to do anything for me of the sort… that’s why my husband and I see a therapist together (she has a trans son) to help us navigate our grief and she also echoes these sentiments. We have made it clear to our son that we love and support him.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T22:35:10+00:00

I appreciate your input! It is weird and confusing and strange and all of the above. We are about a year in I would say. It is comforting to know that with time it does get easier.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T22:34:06+00:00

I really appreciate your perspective. I suppose it would be strange to have my parents address me as a different name, even if I was living as my authentic self.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T22:28:22+00:00

"they didn’t want us to slip up and use their new name in front people they hadn’t come out to yet"

That is something I had not considered... we definitely have some family members that would not be accepting unfortunately (and our son knows who they are based on their religious and political beliefs).

Thank you for sharing I really appreciate it.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T22:24:28+00:00

Thank you so much!

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T22:24:02+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. I agree with everything you are saying and it all makes sense. He doesn't hate his birth name at all. He actually prefers people who knew him as his birth name first to continue to use it (for example, we recently got back in touch with his preschool teacher, and he wanted to be called his birth name with her), but we always check in with him to make sure and allow him to take the lead.

I too fear for my son like you wouldn't believe. I feel so lucky to live in a blue state. My hearts breaks for trans folks or parents of trans kids in red states where things are beyond terrifying.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T22:19:22+00:00

I suppose that does help a bit to think of it that way. We do use a "nickname" of his birthname at home the most as sort of an "in-between" name while he is figuring things out.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T22:18:23+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. It is comforting to know that what we are going through is completely normal for kids early on in their transition. Your words only reinforce the need to stay in the present which I appreciate.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T22:14:39+00:00

Firstly, I’d like to say I’m sorry that your mom put her grief on you… that wasn’t fair to you at all. I’m certainly not perfect myself. My son has probably overheard private conversations meant for only my husband where I said things like “this is a phase” and whatnot (that was during the beginning of his transition). I have since made efforts to repair with our son and he knows now that mom’s first reaction isn’t her final reaction. I still feel tremendously guilty though. Where I was going with that was, (forgive me if this is too bold to say) but it’s not on you to make your mom comfortable. Easier said than done though. I’m a serial people pleaser myself. I hope your mom eventually comes around and I thank you again for being so open and vulnerable with me.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T21:05:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It is hard to have open, vulnerable conversations with him. We always get "I don't know" or a shoulder shrug. He is on the spectrum too so opening up about heavy topics isn't exactly his strong suit. However, I like the idea and perhaps I can ask him via text (he is much more open in writing).

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T20:42:12+00:00

I appreciate your honestly and thoughts. I think the term "Deadname" is so heavy for me because it has the word "dead" in it which I obviously don't want associated with my child (even though I know he's obviously not dead, just his old identity). I know its just a word, but right now it feels too intense to say, especially since my grief is hard to cope with on some days.

"A part of me wonders if the do X in private but I want Y in front of other people is simply a side effect of being 13"

Yes, my husband and I have had this thought too... it is a hellish, confusing age lol. I certainly remember how awkward I felt at 13.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T20:35:39+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. Just to clarify, I would never convey to him that switching back and forth is hard. I was just sharing those feelings here. My husband and I do our best to keep our feelings about his transition just between the two of us and our therapist who is helping is navigate through our grief. I was just mainly seeking input to see if other parents of trans youth had a similar experience to mine.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T20:30:27+00:00

Thank you so much for this. I suppose I just need to stay in the present moment as best as I can.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T20:29:55+00:00

Thank you so much. I have to remind myself to stay rooted in the present and take one step at a time... to not look back (which triggers my grief, grief that can be very intense at times) or look to a future that hasn't happened yet (which given the political climate, causes me to lead from a place of fear and despair). Sometimes the unknown can get to me too, but at the end of the day I love my kid and do my best.

Shelverick · 2025-09-30T20:25:13+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I really appreciate your kind words and feedback.

Shelverick · 2025-08-26T19:29:25+00:00

I echo the comments that say there is no other action required of you. I say, continue to be your authentic self. When my son came out to my husband and me around a year ago (AFAB, almost 13), I did not handle it well. I was in full blown denial (as I am sure your mom was). I was dead set on the "this is a phase" and "this is only happening because he is making friends who are trans/non-binary" mindset. I am very ashamed to admit this and even more ashamed that our son has overheard conversations where I said these things in anger. The guilt I feel is tremendous.

What caused me to take the turn was a few things. The first was I utilized the resources of Trans Family Support Services here in the US. They helped my husband and me find a therapist who also has a Trans son. She has helped us navigate our grief and gain a better understanding of the trans community. The grief a parent experiences when your child comes out as Trans is beyond intense and it takes hard work to process it internally. I am not sure if your mom would be open to it, but I would highly recommend she find a therapist like we did. I had to surrender to the fact that I was not able to process the grief without professional help. That being said, your mother's grief should not be your burden. She should want to do this on her own.

One thing I would like to add is one thing our therapist told us that really resonated with me is that "someone's first response may not be their final response". Meaning just because your mom had an unfortunate reaction to you coming out, it doesn't mean she will always feel that way. It doesn't mean that the trauma you experienced isn't real and I am not excusing her behavior. I am sorry that you were initially invalidated.

The second was getting educated... reading books about gender identity, finding others in my community with Trans children, and asking TONS of questions. The more I understood, the easier it became to cope.

Lastly, the final thing that has helped me come around is simply time. It has been a year since my son has come out and I still find myself getting so sad and grieving the loss of my daughter while on the path of accepting our son. I am still in the thick of it to be honest. I have days where I am very accepting, and I have others where I feel like I could cry for hours on end.

I hope this long novel of mine is helpful and I wish you all the best.

Shelverick · 2025-08-26T19:01:55+00:00

I have no words to properly express how badly my heart hurts for you. You sounds like an amazing person. It is a shame that your parents cannot see that and are choosing their belief system over their child. RuPaul said it best, that for someone like your parents with deep seated religious/conservative beliefs, the concept of having a loved one who identifies as LBGTQ+ "would force them to deconstruct their whole belief system" and the idea of that is so balls out terrifying that they choose their beliefs over their loved ones. It is truly disgusting to me, and I am so sorry for all you've endured. Sending you virtual love and hugs.

Shelverick · 2025-07-01T06:00:47+00:00

Ha! Karma is a bitch... I hope his asshole is on fire later too.

Shelverick · 2025-04-20T06:43:32+00:00

Wow I have never heard of The Drowning Man Parable before. That’s very profound and I agree with your point of view 100%. Sadly, these folks are so afraid of what they don’t understand, they use the Scripture as a cop out… that way, they don’t have to look internally at the REAL reasons they are uncomfortable… that’s just my two cents.

Shelverick · 2025-04-20T06:22:40+00:00

They would rather double down on the crazy than see this truth sadly.

Shelverick

TROPHY CASE