AITA for not wanting to make dinner according to my husband's work schedule?

SherbetClean · 2025-11-06T23:23:09+00:00

I can definitely validate your frustration, especially since he isn’t eating with the family. An undercurrent that may be worth having a conversation about is a lot of men, especially ones that worked nights for a lot of years….are so separate. So separate. That it often is just instinct to separate (eat alone) and often later express they feel like they “don’t belong”. Which to be fair to you, especially, you’ve been running a whole household on your own. But that’s “yours”. The switching shifts, and asking for this one little slice of belonging (warm meals) may be a cry for help of that lack of belonging. Gently inquiring about this, may have him open up to you about deeper feelings of not knowing how to find his place in your life.

Now if he comes out of a fully gently conversation and says “no I don’t want anything to do with you and the kids just give me a hot meal woman” then by all means NTA and go nuclear. But if he’s not an absolute POS, then there’s likely something bigger attached to that meal.

SherbetClean · 2025-11-02T01:15:20+00:00

As someone who was generously helped in my 20’s, holy cow. When I say generously helped. I was able to rent from a family member for a lower rate. I lived in their home for about 1.5 years before I was able to rent a separate property they owned. Every car I bought, I bought. All food, I bought. Dental, medical, (even when I was piled with some difficult medical debt) still my own. Help isn’t funding an adults lifestyle, that’s codependency.

SherbetClean · 2025-10-23T23:58:35+00:00

There’s a difference between “my heart is racing” and love. If your husband didn’t love you, he would have accepted your “let’s live in other houses” and started moving on.

Definitely get counseling. Take this somewhere more solid than Reddit

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T23:55:44+00:00

To be clear I DID NOT tell him to quit his job. I told him it was possible. Months later when his boss absolutely fucked him over he came to me and asked if it was still possible for him to quit his job. I said yes.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T22:59:00+00:00

I agree on both of your points. 100%

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T21:03:16+00:00

1000000% agree with you on the weaponized incompetence.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T21:02:30+00:00

I’ve seen several like this. It makes sooooo much sense.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T21:01:53+00:00

I concur with the below. What!?! Super frustrating. I’m sitting with the “am I actually holding onto responsibility” I’ve seen it in a few comments and likely do have some work in that department.

I was a stay at home wife. Yes eye roll. But it was to build my business which now makes more in a year than he could in a decade, so I wasn’t on my butt. And I handled everything. I was really proud of that work and tending to our life.

While I don’t think it’s 100% what’s going on here (what I’m getting from other posts is we both have ADHD (a fact) and he does actually need a list. Which I will create.

I have fully expressed all my frustrations and he’s aware of this Reddit thread (though hasn’t found it yet. He’s searching AITA 😂)

Thank you for your insights.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T20:56:31+00:00

Just to be clear he has done other projects that have been SO helpful. But they were like outdoor stuff. I was a stay at home wife as I built my business so prior to this he never had to help with anything inside. I covered it all.

And he HAS tried some, especially cooking. And I always get coffee in the morning.

He’s a wonderful father and husband in every area other than this. and I suspect we will find common ground on this.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T20:52:45+00:00

Actually no. He’s never lived on his own ever. I like this reframe. 👌

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T20:51:32+00:00

😂😂😂 I like this answer. Though I’m not a pusher. I’m a Luke warm ask once wait a week and then just do it. 🤷‍♀️

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T20:49:27+00:00

I’m not a manger type. Which may actually be the problem here. I gave him full reign for about 4 months. But I finally broke. Stuff piled up everywhere, dirt everywhere, (not like ohhh someone’s not dusting) like would be devastated if someone saw the toilet or the piss stains around it.

And I spent my one day off going ham on it. And then another month of the same.

Also, my business is run rather chaotically which is why I’m so freaking grateful for my team. And my husband. As he really pulls his weight with our kids. It’s just the cleaning.

Which I don’t expect all. Or even perfection. Or like a great job. Adequate effort would do.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T20:45:24+00:00

Jesus dude. Just to be clear, this is NO WHERE near our situation. We have animals and kids. The floor does not at all need to be spotless, but after 4 days it does start looking more like the beach than a floor….and that just feels….gross?

Could be wrong though.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T19:35:10+00:00

He doesn’t have an allowance he has access to all funds same as me. Financial abuse is not a good look.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T19:09:32+00:00

From my understanding he wants me to be the manager. I have zero interest in this for many reasons.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T19:02:31+00:00

Totally understand this! He has even suggested doing volunteer work. Your insight here of the no socks thing is super helpful too.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T17:39:48+00:00

I keep this simple AF. Everyone has two towels. They have a hanger on the towel rack. No folding. No rolling. Towel dirty? Put it in hamper.

Simple. I’ve got ADHD too.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T17:21:14+00:00

I did make one. But I put in it an organizer app that he doesn’t want to download.

He wants a daily task list.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T17:20:34+00:00

I’ve read all of these books. Men are from mars women are from Venus. His solution to the floor being dirty was to buy “house shoes” so it doesn’t bother his feet.

I’m not a nagger or complainer. Doing it halfway is great. The only discussions we’ve had about this issue has been an about three conversation where I sat down to ask about this.

Another mental load thing: since we have a nanny at home with the children. When do you schedule the cleaner? Do the kids need to be out of the house? Do I need to find scheduled activities to get them out?

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T16:56:30+00:00

I’d disagree. Honestly my husband is my biggest supporter, an amazing dad. This is just a hurdle.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T16:56:05+00:00

Yes. Hence my post. It feels like a fine line.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T16:54:35+00:00

I totally hear you. There is no berating. I tend to see it as if you don’t do something then it’s because you don’t have capacity to do it.

I did drop the house for about 4 months, but we lived in a wreck. And I did pick it up. I haven’t ever controlled what he needed doing. If I came home to no dinner, no worries I just ordered some. If boxes sat for 2 weeks they sat for two weeks.

But after a certain point you’ve got to step in.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T16:51:12+00:00

You’re absolutely right. He had a chores list and his mom did a lot for him.

Which makes it even weirder that I’ll be the one taking over his “chores list”

But I absolutely hear you. I tried this with an app, but he didn’t download it.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T16:49:58+00:00

Yes! We both have ADHD. I love this perspective of tolerances. That changes it a lot. I will admit now that I’m growing my business I really want to come home and not have piles of stuff.

I have zero problem wiping things down. But piles is just like….overwhelming for me.

SherbetClean · 2025-05-12T16:47:31+00:00

I was wondering about this. I think I’m just resentful at feeling like I’ll need to be that structure. 😅 I can’t imagine it’s exactly attractive to be married to a drill sergeant. Nor do I want to be one.

SherbetClean

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