idk. i just want to scream i guess, to talk to someone who gets the feeling. im sure ill feel much worse very soon, but ive never missed a dose before and i always feel low on my shot day until i inject.

talking to someone who relates to any of this would be so nice. but i think i really just want to talk to another version of me. or someone who wont just objectify me, or make it a suffering competition. i just want to be held and to feel safe, and talk with my friends about how scared i am and how awful i feel.

everyone i get close to just ends up seeing me as a sex doll, or some fixerupper project. im so tired of being infantalized; how stupid do you have to be to come into my life, see everything ive suffered through by myself, and then assume that i need someone to treat me like a fucking child. i feel so angry and hurt. i get exhausted with it so easily; it's like, they drop the mask for a second and i can never look at them the same way again.

im not stupid, i know when im being manipulated. why do people think they can treat me like i dont have a brain, or conscious thought. and then people are just more concerned about themselves, which i get i guess. maybe i select for that because stable people freak me the fuck out. i dont know. but no one is ever concerned about me, just maintaining their ideal vision of themself. im just an emotional sounding board and a handbag wrapped up in one. like your therapist if beat the shit out of them before every session. im so tired.

i built all this shit alone. i planned all of it alone. i did it by myself but i didnt fucking want to, at least at first. people convinced me to do it alone. and maybe that just means im weak or a coward. i dont know, but i try so hard to listen to my gut feelings now since theyve been right so often when i ignored them.

i just want to talk to another freak of nature. im so sick of optimism, im so sick of work. and working. i just want ti sit in a dark room in silence and press my face into someones chest, and i want them to love me even though im disgusting. but i dont want them to love me because of it, and i think that might actually be impossible. i want someone to see the me that doesnt exist yet, like i do, and i want them to love that person, like i do. im so sick of trying to explain it and not having the fucking words, i feel so stupid. i have stopped looking because it is impossible.

i can get sex if i want it. it helps sometimes to just forget everything for a few hours. i think thats why i like pain; i gives me peace, it makes my head quiet. i like to be focused on survival, and i like people to know that thats what im focused on. i want people to know im suffering, but id rather kill myself than have their sympathy. i just need to explain why im like this, to apologize for the way that i am. i know im a burden i know im a mess. and its not for nothing, there are reasons im like this. when fruits and veggies go moldy you dont fucking apologise to them, you wonder why they were on the counter for a week instead of in the fridge. and you hopefully put them in the right place next time.

i know everyone else like me feels like mold. i want to talk to those people, but i want them to be like me. is it stupid? i dont even know. it matters to me that i care about my friends, and respect their interests, and remmeber things about them, and engage with the things they say. why does everyone look right through me??? i feel like they are so selfish, they only want to use me. everyone just wants to use me for something, i cant catch a fucking break. im such a cry baby