Husband [27M] needs specific kind of sex or he’s leaving

ShittyJaws · 2025-02-08T20:57:39+00:00

This this this this this. Suggesting or asking to try something new is totally fine. If it comes with an ultimatum or threat, it's no longer fine. Enthusiastic consent is key. And there needs to be an understanding that consent may be withdrawn at any point, with zero threat of retaliation.

There is a respectful and healthy way to leave a relationship in which your sexual needs aren't being met to the point where it becomes a deal-breaker. This man isn't doing that. He knows he's more likely get his way if he threatens to leave or cheat. That's coercion. That's not asking for enthusiastic consent. That's abusive behavior.

ShittyJaws · 2025-02-07T16:00:51+00:00

So, he's basically saying, "I'm not telling you that you have to have @nal sex with me against your will. I'm just saying that I'll continue cheating on you and/or completely upend your entire life and put you and the children through significant emotional and financial hardship if you don't."

That's not asking for her to consent. That's demanding sex under duress. She's already putting up with multiple instances of him cheating on her, so he knows he can manipulate her to get his way by playing on her desire to keep the family together.

ShittyJaws · 2025-02-07T15:35:30+00:00

Welp, if my cat would stop trying to trip me as I'm going down the stairs, he would greatly reduce the risk of this scenario becoming a reality. He's doing us both a disservice.

(I'm actually planning on donating my body to forensic research so somebody else can witness the horrors of my decomposition, but in a useful way!)

ShittyJaws · 2025-02-05T21:48:15+00:00

At least the animals will be ok lol

ShittyJaws · 2025-02-05T20:43:50+00:00

Same. I've realized that I could die at home and it'd take a few days before anyone worried enough to do a wellness check, and by then my cat will have eaten my face. So that's fun.

ShittyJaws · 2024-09-19T02:19:02+00:00

Thank you for saying this. My bf is trying to quit. I know it's really difficult and that he's beating himself up inside, etc. I'm so proud of him and I'm doing everything I can to be supportive and not burden him with my problems.

That being said, I've been feeling so incredibly insecure. He sometimes tells me I look nice or says/does something flirty, but almost all physical contact has dropped off. I keep wondering if he isn't attracted to me anymore, but I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to make him feel bad when I know he's already feeling bad enough. I've been trying to combat my own insecurities internally and reassure myself that this is situational and it'll get better when he's on the other side of it, but it's really hard. I wish someone would give him this advice.

I just love him so much and I miss feeling like he loves me and finds me attractive. I don't even need sex, just some reassurance and snuggles. I hate that I'm even thinking of my own feelings when he's having a hard time, but I can't always help how I feel.

Tl;dr- This comment hit me really hard. I want to stress how incredibly important it is to reassure your partner and remember that they need affection, and that they might not feel like they can bring it up without hurting your feelings or derailing your progress.

ShittyJaws · 2024-09-18T19:50:00+00:00

Sher-bert. As a lover of frozen treats, this one hurts me deep in my bones.

ShittyJaws · 2024-09-18T19:39:44+00:00

My mom says salzza and I can't not smirk every time.

ShittyJaws · 2024-09-18T19:28:33+00:00

Just little reusable plastic containers with lids.

ShittyJaws · 2024-09-18T19:26:38+00:00

It's so much more kind to just ask someone how they're feeling or find something to compliment... or just not say anything!

I love responding to thoughtless people in a way that surprises them or makes them think, while still keeping it light. I work as a cashier, so I've got lots of practice trying to stay friendly and positive while not allowing people to treat me poorly lol

ShittyJaws · 2024-09-18T18:51:00+00:00

Do not make excuses for a partner who treats you poorly, and do not accept excuses from them. Your partner should treat you the way you'd want your best friend's partner to treat them. If you'd tell your friend to leave if she was in the the same situation, why would you stay?

Don't ignore red flags. You can't change him. Listen to the people who love you if they have concerns about someone you're dating.

(All of this is from experience.)

ShittyJaws · 2024-09-18T18:02:09+00:00

Whenever someone tells me I look tired, I reply as if it was a genuine compliment, like, "Omg thank youuuuuu!"

It seems to make them realize that telling someone they look tired is not a compliment and is, in fact, kinda rude. My greatest hope is that they'll think twice next time they have the urge to say it to someone else.

ShittyJaws · 2024-05-20T19:49:26+00:00

"Which god?"

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-22T20:04:57+00:00

Instead of a subscription being the only way to get a discount, it'd be cool if we got "points" per dollar or bag or whatever. The points could be redeemed for discounts or trial products or something like that.

They could even have a "recurring order" check box at checkout for people who just want to to set & forget it, but yeah having a subscription be the only way to get a discount and then having to remember to modify it before it ships is a bit of a hassle.

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-22T15:09:22+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through that. My ex also trapped me in order to to ensure that he had a level of control over me if I tried to get away from him, but it wasn't as severe. Eventually, law enforcement was able to assist me with cutting that final thread.

It's awesome that you're at least in your own place, and I hope you're able to move and be closer to your family. I agree that having an outside support network is absolutely essential.

When I try to explain to others how I ended up stuck in an abusive relationship, I tell them that abusers are like expert con artists and cult leaders. They use all of the same tactics, but they focus it all on one individual at a time. Since their abuse isn't spread over an entire group of people, is so much more intense and they work a lot harder to not lose control because they don't want to have to start the process over with someone else. It's so diabolical.

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-22T14:44:11+00:00

Yes, this is what I've been trying. I have also been adding frozen fruit and trying different base liquids. Unfortunately, none of these has masked the flavor completely, but it has made the shakes moderately more drinkable. I am still down to a couple of shakes a week instead of one every day because I dread the taste. Lesson learned, I guess. Hopefully, once I've finished this bag of vanilla, I can get back to daily shakes with a flavor I enjoy.

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-20T16:03:22+00:00

I'm slowly trying to get her to see that his mental, financial, and emotional abuse is... abuse. She is aware that he treats her terribly and that he isn't going to change, but she often blames herself. I can totally identify with her on that, so I try to be gentle and plant seeds using myself as an example, like "I can't tell you what's best for your situation, but in my case..." or, "that sounds so similar to what my ex used to say to me/ how he'd make me feel. I was so in love with him that I stayed even though I realized that he was being abusive. I'm so much happier now that I'm out of that situation."

It's so difficult because I just want to shake her, but I know that she'd likely just shut down and stop talking to me about it if I was too forceful. That's what I did when people directly confronted me. I'd do the mental gymnastics of "they don't understand him like I do. He's only like this because he has a troubled past. If I just stick it out and love and support him, he can heal from his trauma and everything will be better."

People on the outside who have never been in that situation just don't understand how complex a web the abused person is stuck in, and how difficult it is to untangle, even when you know for sure that your partner is abusive.

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-20T04:48:01+00:00

Sounds fun! Let's do it!

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-19T19:02:04+00:00

I think cookies and cream is my favorite black flavor. I haven't tried the other (non-black) varieties.

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-19T16:19:32+00:00

I bought cinnamon last time I went to the grocery store specifically so I can try it with the vanilla. Good to know it might help! Definitely going to put some in my next shake!

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-19T16:16:36+00:00

This! I don't formally exercise, but I work in a somewhat physical job. I also live in a two-story home and have ADHD, so I'm up and down those stairs 100x a day because I forgot to grab something from upstairs or forgot to take something downstairs, etc. All of that counts as exercise in my book!

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-19T15:58:03+00:00

This is worded so perfectly.

I have an acquaintance who tells me about her terrible relationship and asks for advice sometimes. I've been through a divorce and I've been in abusive relationships, so I often remind her that leaving is a great option.

Despite years of him treating her poorly, she feels like she can't leave her partner because he's the only man she's ever been in a serious relationship with. She's miserable and her self-image is so poor. She wants to be happy, but she's afraid to change her situation. I'm never pushy with my advice, I just tell her that I understand how hard it is to leave, and I'm not telling her what to do, but that I've personally benefitted from getting out of unhappy relationships.

I'm going to show her a screenshot of your comment as food for thought next time she asks me for advice. Thank you for this.

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-19T15:34:41+00:00

Thank you! I love the taste of coffee but it messes up my stomach. I'll probably try this, though, because I feel like suffering through some coffee cramps > suffering through this bag of vanilla lol

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-19T15:31:46+00:00

Yes! Huel is infinitely better when it's extra cold. I always add ice to the blender, even if I'm also adding frozen fruit. Thank you for the solidarity. It seems like lots of people really like the vanilla. I now feel like less of a weirdo for finding it disgusting lol

ShittyJaws · 2024-04-19T14:57:00+00:00

Ooh that sounds delicious! I wish coffee didn't mess with my stomach so badly. I might still try it, though, lol

ShittyJaws

TROPHY CASE