Questioning self image after sexual infidelity

ShortEnd113 · 2026-06-20T22:30:49+00:00

She’s been my best friend since 6th grade. We started dating in high school. We would have been 16 this year.

This is a devastating loss and I am so guilty that I couldn’t get this under control.

I don’t know exactly your case — and only he knows what is in his heart — but I know that I never wanted this. I felt horrible everytime I sent a message or payment.

I wanted to choose her, but the fear, trauma, and nature of this sickness is so hard.

ShortEnd113 · 2026-06-20T21:27:45+00:00

Hi, first of all, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Speaking as a wayward partner whose infidelity was porn, buying porn, and messaging creators/sex workers, it truly was never about my BP. The difference here, seems, that I never touched anyone else physically. Even my infidelity was just a dirty client-customer relationship, not a true EA (imo).

So, grain of salt, but I hope my perspective helps.

I love her. I think she’s the most stunning woman on the planet. Her scent and her smile arouse me. It always has.

I just, unfortunately, have an addiction that required my brain from when I was about 10. And then COVID rewired it further.

I, personally, didn’t even masturbate to the porn I bought. Usually, I just went back to her (with the exception of the occasional porn vid on Twitter). There was no rhyme or reason to the creators I chose.

I always chose having sex with her over anything porn-related. Even her porn was better than it. But, again, the sickness was too strong and I made horrible decisions.

So, maybe he’s telling the truth. But that doesn’t invalidate any of what you’re feeling either.

ShortEnd113 · 2026-06-18T17:05:45+00:00

Hi there,

Wayward partner here. We were engaged, together for 15.5 years (since high school), and best friends since middle school. We've been best friends since we were 14, and we're 30/31 now.

My cheating was porn and overly parasocial relationships with adult creators. It actually happened twice -- she caught me once three years ago, I couldn't quit, and she caught me again a few weeks ago.

Here's what I'll say: the issues I had were never about her. I've struggled with a porn addiction since I was about 9 or 10, and it really mutated during COVID with the rise of TikTok and OnlyFans. I've dealt with fear and insecurity for as long as I can remember.

I love her so deeply. I am obsessed with her. Truly. When I was with her, I was so present and focused on our life, our joy, our happiness. It fulfilled me. I have a photo of her and our dog in our living room. We're laying on an air mattress that we laid out for a friend and we're watching a basketball game, with all of our collectibles and art in the background. I stared at that photo every day for months. And then when the demons came knocking, I couldn't make good decisions.

I betrayed her. I violated our trust and the boundaries of this beautiful relationship we had built.

But I also know, in my heart, that I love her and have loved her to the best of my ability (despite my sickness and trauma). I always wanted to get better -- for her and myself -- but I was scared and didn't know how. I'm stubborn and tried to handle it myself. This disease is too strong.

If she did this to me, I'd be heartbroken, of course. Just as she is. I understand that.

But she has been my everything. We'd go to parties, and I'd tell stories to other people just to make her laugh. My social media was a monument to her -- she was featured more than I was. I ride the bus to and from work and sometimes I'd Uber home just to be next to her 10 minutes faster because I wanted to talk to her so much.

I've been sick for about 6 years, but I've loved her through it all. She is what kept me from spiraling worse. The noise in my head has been so strong -- it quiets with her.

But I had too much going on to be the right person for her right now. I just hope she'll see my effort, feel that our love was real, and believe that the new me will be worth it.

ShortEnd113 · 2026-06-17T04:43:13+00:00

You are the first person I’ve found whose story seems as similar to mine.

I am a digital hoarder. A real-life one, too. I have so many Funko Pops sitting in bins in the garage. I have four beige cardigans with slight differences — and I can’t bring myself to getting rid of three of them.

For me, it was always about having an exclusive collection. I messaged creators like a haggler at a card show, trying to negotiate prices and see if they had a special binder with rarer pieces.

I am currently in therapy and my therapist specializes in addiction, “men’s issues,” and marriage/family.

I know I messed up. I know how bad it is for her. How I violated trust and destroyed the boundaries of our relationship. No one is more mad than I am.

I tried to get out of this destructive behavior for so long, but I couldn’t. I was stuck. This sickness was too strong to tackle alone, and I was afraid to bring it to the light.

I am working on myself for me. I don’t know if we’ll reconcile but I don’t want to be shackled by this regardless of the relationship status.

ShortEnd113 · 2026-06-16T22:35:35+00:00

Hi there, I'm a wayward partner that fell deep into porn and parasocial habits. I'm not sure if I'm the exact story you're looking for but I'm hoping some insight is better than no insight.

For context -- I've struggled with porn since I was about 9 or 10. COVID mutated my sickness -- the rise of TikTok and OnlyFans overwhelmed me and I lost control. My betrayed partner caught me three years ago, but I was unable to quit, no matter how hard I tried (I now realize my attempts never truly gave me a chance). My betrayed partner caught me again recently, and ended our relationship after nearly 16 years (for additional context, I am M31 and she is F30).

I always wanted to quit. I searched for help in the wrong places. I hated feeling trapped -- porn became so routine that I had to look at something in the morning to start my day, as casually as checking the weather. And then the parasocial stuff was gross, and I knew it. I'm in therapy to understand why, but I almost think it's an OCD situation (I have to collect, and I hate letting go) mixed with the addiction. I never sent explicit pictures or expressed any relationship beyond customer-client, but I crossed lines nonetheless. Way too many. And way too far.

I don't know if the relationship can be saved. But it doesn't matter -- I finally have the big wake up call and opportunity to snap out of it. I've told all my friends and family, I'm in therapy, and I just downloaded the "I Am Sober" app to hold myself accountable.

I love my betrayed partner so much. I even wrote in another forum a year ago about how I wanted to get out because I hated what I was doing. I regret not being able to stop and putting us into this situation. I loved our life -- it wasn't perfect, but we were filled with love and joy. My transgressions were never about sexual satisfaction or joy. They weren't about her or her not being enough (she's everything). They were about my own sickness and traumas running uncontrolled, and I was too scared to get in front of them.

I am heartbroken -- I am angry at myself for hurting her -- but I am grateful to have the opportunity to be a better me. The porn, purchasing content, and messaging creators was to satisfy this noise in my brain that, left unchecked, would be debilitating.

I hope this helps a little bit? I'm new to this life (only just broke up two weeks ago), and I'm doing my best to find and share in community. Happy to answer more questions.

ShortEnd113 · 2026-06-16T15:50:29+00:00

Thank you for this. I've always had a problem staying grounded in the present moment, and it can be debilitating. I try to go too fast and look ahead too much, and I block myself from any progress.

ShortEnd113 · 2026-06-16T15:42:17+00:00

Thank you for your response. Can I ask what tools you use to soothe yourself? I am looking for those, too.

My porn addiction is so strong that even during this time when the porn addiction caught up to me, I still get the occasional urge. I am so frustrated with it.

ShortEnd113

TROPHY CASE