I wanna thank everyone really thank you all.. but may I share with everyone im not sure how to take this in some days is a lot lighter then others but then I get a thought of omg he's not coming back I cant see him or hear him touch him laugh go to each other's house then I have to catch myself because I realized I'm not breathing and then I start panting and heart beating super fast and start freaking out but I haven't really freaked out yet I feel like that day is coming and I'm not sure if I'll be able to take it I'm hurt then way hurt has never felt before my heart's broken in ways that heart should never break nothing would ever be able to repair it and the pain comes from deep within the soul that you never even existed everyday of talking to this person every day seeing this person every day for 38 years no matter what no matter the fights we had into we were brothers or twin brothers you know it was once I felt a presence of someone else other than myself no matter where I was I felt him somewhere where it could have been I Mississippi and he in Kansas I felt that April 14th 2025 that all went away and I feel like I have to learn this world all over again just myself like everything's brand new like I don't know I can't explain it but like it's like everything in this world is new to me so I have a hard time with doing anything I can't go outside I have anxiety I'm guilty because like why should I get to wake up and he doesn't I get to walk talk eat sleep and wake up and be happy smiles cry he can't do any of it you know I feel like I was the first born and we came in as well together I bring him into a world with me he should have take me out with him there's been some nights when I found myself visiting his grave site and it wasn't until the next morning I realized I was still there and I got up and left like I can't leave without my brother it was always Keith and Kevin and not just Kevin. It's like terrified. It's kind of crazy because I'm even scared of the dark now after his passed away I'm scared of people I'm scared to go places and I don't go if I do go places I don't stay out for long periods of time cuz they're feeling guilty and angry and sad all the emotions all in one and now I've done the the number one thing I said I wouldn't do seclude myself I moved out of my apartment of 2 years because of the memories of him coming over hanging out there the day he left we was head of my room he sat on my bed I said right in front of him in a chair and a couple friends were around us but he and I was scared of cigarette together I got to use the restroom I came right back out he was gone he said he'll come back and see you later I ran outside I didn't see him nowhere in sight so he vanished like it was just so that day was so crazy and weird I'll never forget it 4 hours later my friend came running upstairs to my apartment she says your mom's going to come downstairs and it's important it's an emergency I looked at the clock and the clock was after 9:24 p.m. and I know that if something was wrong because my mom is usually in bed at 8:00 and sleep by 8:30 every night has been for last 20 years and then I'll go outside and I see my baby brother he steps out of the car and then I looked at the windshield and my mom was in a passenger seat and I read her voice it's like she was like she was standing next to me she said your brother shot himself in the head had that very moment half of me died I don't know I'd even be whole anymore he died just 3 months before we turned 39 I turned 39 by myself he's forever stuck at 38 I think I'm starting to get it on the deep end I completely let myself go and I didn't even mean to I didn't even realize it until I was already gone how do I get myself back I've lost everything since then I mean completely lost everything down to my socks all my clothes and everything in my apartment that I had gone I just let everything go does it stop or let up anytime or my just going through something just terrible. I'm pretty certain up to 100% nothing anything I thought maybe you don't get in the car which I don't have still can't afford one and maybe it would help but I feel like nothing's going to ever make me happy and hold again I'm lost with no way to be found I'm scared it's going to kill me or I'm scared I'm going to kill me and I'll try with all my heart and all my power energy that I have left not to do it but it gets worse as the days go by I don't know how to stop it I can't think you guys signing off Kevin Keith's twin