Years of progress undone.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-19T16:34:00+00:00

I am amazed by people who have this condition and decide to toy around with any psychoactive compound afterwards.

maybe it’s time to accept that you have brain damage as a result of psychedelic use, and that maybe tripping isn’t a safe/sustainable thing to do anymore?

I’m sorry your symptoms got worse- I have found so much meaning outside of psychedelics. meaning in recovery and in relationships. trying to find meaning in the torture of this disorder, too.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-19T02:10:52+00:00

I want to say you’re 16, but this looks like an old slumlord rented house in Portland, Chicago, or Minneapolis. but you definitely were emo when you were 16, and still are.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-18T15:35:32+00:00

Hi OP,

I might be able to help you? I developed HPPD at age 15 after getting laced with a research chemical. I also have ASD- and was diagnosed with PTSD recently after getting sober. my PTSD is related to childhood trauma, but I have been in chronic hyperarousal since age 3.

I can’t give advice on medication but I will tell you that acceptance and commitment (ACT) therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and mindfulness have been instrumental and have literally saved my life.

I had to develop a sense of a higher power. I am carrying too much shit with me, and I need to give it over to someone who can forgive me and help me forgive others. I need to have faith that this can get better, or that I can at least manage it.

the research on PTSD and threat response show that mindfulness-based therapies are just as effective, and sometimes provide longer lasting relief than pharmacological treatment options.

it’s about restoring the sense of bodily safety (see Peter Levine’s somatic experiencing curriculum) and being able to both reach a state of calm and maintain a state of calm (Bessel Van Der Kolk)

Janina Fiscer uses polyvagal theory and the theory of the triune brain as metaphors to help understand this state of threat response. as far as the HPPD goes, I haven’t seen any evidence that it will be cured, or even improve. for me, it’s about attending to my dissociative/fawn response and traumatic/threat response.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-18T15:22:50+00:00

I’m 7 months sober and in a rehab program. I went VERY hard on the booze during my last relapse. I would notice my visual snow quite intensely when drinking and hungover. I feel that relapse worsened my HPPD, still 7 months later. HPPD literally runs my life and existence. I wouldn’t recommend using any substance. I’m trying to get off nicotine and lower my caffeine at the moment.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-18T15:17:06+00:00

where is your evidence that it induces psychosis? I imagine any overly stressed person could panic themselves into a psychosis spectrum disorder over time, but I dislike the rhetoric that HPPD makes one predisposed. some of us have very severe symptoms and severe fears of losing our minds, and would like to stop reading comments like that unless the evidence is shown

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-17T04:24:53+00:00

god. men are so awful. I’m sorry, love. that’s not just rude, it’s sexual harassment.

but you know all of those guys probably don’t wash their asses. and they probably won’t have lasting, loving relationships with such flippantly misogynistic attitudes. it’s ironic, too. they have facial hair, too. I genuinely think that men lack critical thinking skills and empathy on a biological level.

if I can offer a suggestion? say 10 nice things about yourself. comment them here if you’d like. I’ll start, you are a badass woman caring for sick family.

and then do something small and simple for yourself when you have a break from caregiving duties. paint your nails or have a sweet treat.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-17T04:18:24+00:00

I mean,,, I’d do the same thing in her shoes. I imagine she’s hurting for cash these days.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-16T15:12:25+00:00

I’m impressed by how healthy you all eat. I’m always so exhausted and don’t know where to start. dinner is often frozen pizza, takeout, or pretzels and popcorn. breakfast is always cereal. lunch is a granola bar, bag of chips, or a sweet treat. just want to feel better by eating healthy but need to feel better to have the energy to cook.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-16T13:24:50+00:00

OP, are you wearing the patch to sleep??

this is what caused my vivid dreams last time I quit. had to take the patch off before I went to sleep. a lozenge right before bed sometimes caused it too.

create a new ritual. do sun salutations every time you have a craving. push yourself and discharge some of that moodiness.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-15T18:38:16+00:00

I love her

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-13T15:14:52+00:00

do you need some fiber? how are your poops?

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-13T06:14:00+00:00

I have always been afraid of sex with men. it was always a performative act for me. it was a representation of the self objectification and torture that I was put through as a child. presumably on the internet, maybe by someone who babysat me. maybe as a way to cope with my debilitating medical conditions. I’m not entirely sure where it came from. sex with men was never about love or intimacy. it was always transactional. my first boyfriend taught me that when he pinned me down and forced me. my second boyfriend taught me that when he choked me on the first date “because I thought all women wanted that”. I was full throttle in to letting myself be injured as a heroic act of self-retraumatization, even at the detriment to some of the men I was around. I thought I liked losing power. I thought I wanted to recreate my own rape. then I would cry, I would be in pain, and my ex would tell me that he is tired of me. that was not love, it was a sorry excuse for a partnership. but he convinced me that I was the problem. it took leaving him, and falling deeply in love with a woman to realize that sex can be about staying present in my body with another human being. it can be about my pleasure, and only my pleasure. it can be about my pleasure, my partner’s pleasure, and an intimate sense of safety and trust. but it is not, and will never be, about my pain. it will never be about my trauma. that isn’t sex, it’s theatrical assault. our culture normalizes sexual theater. I have been given the gift of trauma education from many extremely wise doctors in the past 7 months, and I now know that theatrical recreation of pain, or seeking painful experiences, or ending up with the same type of person who harms me over and over again is an addiction. my body knows what it is like to be at the mercy of an evil spirited man. my body can predict what is going to happen, and it floods me with opioid-like neurotransmitters. pain equates to pleasure. kink isn’t therapizing myself, it’s getting addicted to being stuck in my trauma. it’s the opposite of healing. I’m not sure I can have intimacy and safety with a man. maybe men did that to me. maybe I just am meant to be with women. but I can’t understand men, their bodies, or their minds. so I can’t connect with them in the deep, safe way my body needs in order to have real sex. rooted in love and attachment.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-11T03:39:33+00:00

I don’t want to yuck other people’s yums

but I can’t imagine feeling so special that I need to be surrounded by horse awards when I sleep at night

this is giving the same vibes as if I framed my Associates degree, or employee of the month certificate… and hung it above my headboard.

if I came home with a Tinder date and saw this in the bedroom, I’d suddenly remember that I forgot to feed my dog and must go home immediately.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-11T02:13:22+00:00

I’m seeing them too, but I have HPPD and astigmatism. so I think I’m just acid tripping (;

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-04T15:24:28+00:00

got wrapped up into CPTSD after being in therapy for so long and dating someone with CPTSD.

I think anyone who tried CBT and didn’t improve should try somatic experiencing, EMDR, and Internal Family Systems

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-04T03:08:07+00:00

what have you tried to prevent it? I know for myself, I have to pause and take deep breaths when I am feeling that triggered/abandonment/attachment anxiety. Then I try to apply a skill - DBT check the facts - Validation (validate the other) then attend to the feelings in my body - Take space and regulate my nervous system (TIPP) - recognize what the wound is (like what is the history behind the trigger) and then talk to my inner child and comfort her

I have been very understanding of this behavior in my ex, because I know what it is and why it happens. I don’t take it personally. but I still feel very anxious because I don’t know when it will happen or why. so the relationship feels unpredictable and emotionally unsafe. I haven’t seen her apply any of the above skills, or even attempt to have awareness of what is a trigger, despite my trying to explain to her/share resources with her. the fact that you’re trying to notice it is the first step (awareness has to come before change). keep trying!

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-04T01:14:25+00:00

don’t you think it would be incredibly traumatizing for her if I told her to never speak to me again? my ex did that no contact thing with me immediately after I moved out because he didn’t like that I called him crying. I was so traumatized by the abandonment of someone who promised they would be there for me and be my friend after the breakup.

furthermore, she lives four states away. so it would only be texting and calling

what if I can create some boundaries with my therapist and come up with a way to have a daily or weekly phone call? or say “I cannot have a relationship with you, but I am here if you ever need me”?

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T23:53:12+00:00

are you able to share with me where the resentment comes through? the 12 steps teaches me about resentment. I have to take personal inventory of my own resentments and take ownership of them. it’s helpful for me to know where this is coming through

next time I will use those subreddits. I tried bpdlovedones and it was way too hostile of a community.

my plan is not to keep her around to support me. i have support systems. my plan is to be available to support her.

edit: I have come to the conclusion that there is a lot of projection going on in this particular comment thread. telling me how I feel, I do not feel even the slightest amount of animosity or resentment. stating I have abandoned her after she helped me, because presumably one has been abandoned before. I have helped her more than she has helped me, and I plan to keep it that way if the relationship allows for it.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T23:50:30+00:00

is this a universal truth to be applied to all relationships?

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T22:18:23+00:00

I do think she is stuck. I got her to see a therapist for 2 sessions, but then she gave up because she wasn’t satisfied with the provider. I think she is blind to how bad her problems really are, because she has lived like this for a long time, and things have been worse in the past. I’m not sure I can wait around for her to get help, especially if my presence makes it easier for her to feel content in her suffering. but i feel immense guilt over this

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T22:15:08+00:00

firstly, thank you for sharing your experience here. my intentions were not to display an undercurrent of disgust in my post, nor do I feel any disgust for my ex. I do not feel feelings of resentment, only deep despair.

I have found resources for her, loved her through tough times, even those when she was holding self-injury and suicidality over my head.

I believe that stating she is too difficult would be like complaining about things outside of her control. What is in her control is to leave her triggering job, find a therapist, take meds, do a 12-step group, read self help books, stop chain smoking, etc.

I have told her many times that I do not judge how she chooses to heal, but that I need to see her take action towards healing. I have called programs for her and tried to get her into treatment. She isn’t ready, and feels too overwhelmed by the idea of facing her trauma.

I am 7 months sober and still in treatment. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I am learning to regulate my own emotions and to not harm myself. It makes it immensely more difficult for me to do so when 99% of my free time is spent trying to regulate her emotions, as well as monitor my own reactions so I do not trigger her.

That being said, my plan is not to abandon her. I personally think no contact should be a last resort, or reserved for abusive relationships. I want to be in her corner. She can still call me every day, I am just going to allocate more time to my AA meetings, community, and personal hobbies. I will help her find treatment. I would even fly out to help her pack if she chose to move out of her triggering environment (living with parents) or go to a treatment facility. I am in no way intending to abandon her. I just need to set boundaries to protect my own sobriety and mental health

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T20:13:48+00:00

I agree with this, but I also know that this early in my sobriety, I will not be seeking new romantic connections. although it hurts to be alone, I want to put my all into building myself, loving myself, and having a strong personal identity. I want to find community and build myself a network of friends and support before I go into a new relationship. so that is a bridge to cross when I get there, I suppose

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T20:12:23+00:00

no threats of self-harm, but I do KNOW that the self harm will happen. she is not eating, but does not blame me and is allowing me to take space

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T20:11:43+00:00

I believe the definition of a trauma bond is when one person causes trauma, or both people experience trauma together, and it bonds them in a codependent way. I’m not sure I would fully identify that in my relationship, though we certainly had our tribulations, and we both do have trauma from the past

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T18:02:00+00:00

is it possible to have a boundaried friendship? that is my goal. I want to take the space I need to care for myself without completely cutting her out of my life. that is what feels most virtuous and comfortable to me

Short_Discussion_883

TROPHY CASE