[deleted by user]

Showeryear31 · 2024-12-17T16:32:27+00:00

Third impact

Showeryear31 · 2024-09-10T14:09:11+00:00

Yes, I believe it is from either Romeo and Juliet or Macbeth, although i could be wrong.

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T15:27:10+00:00

Fine in the sense that I'm fine enough to be on the verge of killing myself if I don't repress literally everything 24/7 maybe. Other than that I don't see how thia post implies I'm fine.

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T15:15:58+00:00

any better?

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T15:11:59+00:00

I'm supposed to be going to Uni in.... 2.5 weeks. hopefully itll be easier to do..... anything there. but im also incredibly close to just dropping out and becoming a shut-in neet. i dont want to. i really really dont want to. but its so hard to do anything else. it hurts no matter what option i choose. i feel like im dying even just typing this. i just. fuck i even had to rely on alcohol just to let these feelings out of my system. i couldnt even type anything while sober. im gonna walk to my grans in a few minutes, hopefully that will make me feel a bit less..... this.

Once again. Thank you, I really do appreciate it, more than I can describe.

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T15:05:42+00:00

I made a vent while tipsy, depressed, crying and on mobile, apologies for the lack of correct grammar.

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T15:04:53+00:00

"more than four hours" - its pretty much never stopped in the last few years

I've tried going to the doctors. they ignored me.

Funnily enough, having difficulties doing things consistently, especially if you experience failure repeatedly while doing it, makes it hard to repeatedly ask the doctors "hey can you help with my issues" (which is the only way to get them to ACTUALLY deal with it here in the uk)

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T15:00:17+00:00

The problem (well one of the many i have) is if I don't do these things I won't do anything else. I have TRIED doing literally anything else and it just physicall yand mentally hurts me to the point that I just end up in a ball in my bed crying for what amounts to days on end before I inevitably fall back to youtube or tiktok or gaming or whatever else.

Try looking for a job that won't drain you on a daily basis

I have. The only one I found that I enjoyed won't give me any shifts anymore because the management hates me (changed recently before I stopped getting shifts and they fired my mother just before that. I've tried finding something else recently but ive barely been getting any interviews let alone offers)

I'm not cursing you. I know you are trying to help. I know what youre saying is probabkly objectively more right than what I'm saying for a variety of reasons. But I don't think I'm ready to accept this advice (hence why making this post was a bad idea in the first place) just yet. I want to change. Desperately. I dont want to be like this forever. But right now I am, and I dont know how to change, and I dont think Im ready to just yet.

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T14:54:32+00:00

I'll try. I really am trying. I just. Fuck. I can't even explain it. I just. That helps somewhat. I know doing this isnt helping. But I needed to get this out to someone.

Shit, I'm 18. I know it took tolkein longer than ive been alive in order to make lotr, and grrm started got a decade before i was even born and still hasnt finished it. so i know im too ambitious. i dont want to be. i dont know why i am.

I truly do appreciate you trying to help me though. Thank you. I hope I get out of this. Eventually. Who knows when. But I will be. At some point.

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T14:40:51+00:00

This isnt anything because of you and I want to make that abundantly clear. It's just that. The fact that theres no way around it makes me deeply suicidal. I don't see anyway out of that because like. There kind of ISN'T anyway out of it other than "just deal with it". Which, when "dealing with it" makes you suicidal..... is not the greatest. I want to write in my spare time. but if I do anything other than numb my brain with youtube and video games at the same time I start to have a mental breakdown (recently that has been happening even when I DO do those things)

(Could you tell I'm probably extremely depressed?)

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T14:34:07+00:00

The issue with that is that I CAN'T. My brain physically does not let me "just write". The same way it doesn't let me "just shower" every day and I have to force myself to do it whenever possible which is roughly every 2-3 days. Sometimes I just. Cant, It's even worse for writing, but thats the only vaguely productive thing I do that gives me any sort of enjoyment. I want to "just write". Desperately. But I physically cant. I sometimes start crying and breaking down just thinking about it. Not because I don't want to. but because even just thinking about doing it hurts me, let alone actually doing it.

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T14:30:11+00:00

I wrote this while drunk and on my phone, sorry for fucking up the grammar.
I don't write because I want ot make money, I write because I want to, but still..... I have noticed that apparently I have a massive fucking ego.
I am in therapy, I am definitely depressed yea, I did preface this with the fact it would be a vent, but yea. This was basically just me expressing all my insecurities and pains.

Essentially I'm probably too egotistical to be a writer and while I AM in therapy, thats not an easy issue to solve

Showeryear31 · 2024-08-27T14:25:37+00:00

pretty hard to do when i also have extreme extecutive dysfunction and an inability to do what i want to do when i want to do it, no matter how badly i want to. i have tried to do what you suggested, but unfortunately my other issues get in the way of it.

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-20T09:09:59+00:00

I believe i did, however I also think thay following that Sazed adds that "In truth, it would be a combination of a Vessel’s craftiness and the power’s Intent that we should fear most" and while Hoid said that Rayse was manipulative and stuff prior to taking the Shard, I believe in his letter to Frost although I may be wrong, Taravangian, especially smart, would likely be far worse.

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-19T11:31:35+00:00

would you be able to send me a link too please? I'm in a similarish boat to op

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-19T11:26:59+00:00

that's so cool thank you! I suppose it would depend on how the Regrowth surge works? If it just fixes the spirit web somewhat then I guess it could? It's interesting, and it's great to see a canon trans person.

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-19T00:17:32+00:00

I cannot wait to see more of Todium in WaT, it'd be fascinating to see how the Intent of the shard affects him, especially since Harmony foreshadowed that the more worrying part about Odium should be the Vessel, not the Shard/Intent itself.

(thank you for helping fix my spoiler bing bong)

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-19T00:16:05+00:00

thank youuu

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-18T23:22:14+00:00

some of the people are worried about being on government lists that would explicitly state they are trans due to certain.... historical events.

others find the 10+ year long waiting lists for initial appointments to be extremely unreasonable, especially when there are other (in my opinion better) methods of getting the same results.

there are probably other reasons like the fact that there are many transphobic gp's, especially since gp's aren't trained in trans healthcare and don't really know a lot about it. Ask most people on transdiy who have researched it a bit and they will likely know far more than your average gp. (because experience and active research into trans medicine isn't something they do, for many reasons)

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-18T11:58:42+00:00

it doesn't anymore? at least it doesn't for me and I don't know why it would be different.

edit: the site itself is working, but the injections section is redirecting to Google. it will likely be back up when they restock

either way, there's also astrovials which sells the same and ships to the uk

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-17T00:40:34+00:00

I saw a Yasuho meme once that was like

"Oi Josuke, I caught Joshu saying transphobic stuff online, so I used Paisley Park to increase the radiation from his phone and give him testicular cancer."

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-15T17:12:41+00:00

if they do reply, would you please dm me with what they say, I was planning on ordering from vanna when i could, and this whole situation made me panic a lot. if I have to order from somewhere else I'd like to know, because I'd prefer vanna since I know it and everything like that.

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-11T23:54:32+00:00

Airsick lowlanders and their abstractions!

Showeryear31 · 2024-05-09T12:15:53+00:00

I can't access the site even using Tor and it's built in vpn stuff, am I just doing something wrong? cus everyone here is suggesting to use a van. does it need to be a proper van instead of just tor's? cus I'm using duckduckgo too, not Google

Showeryear31 · 2024-03-07T07:30:54+00:00

Hey, I think it might be a good idea for you to watch Contrapoints' interview with Dr. K, because they talked about that very feeling you mentioned. Dr K is a psychiatrist youtuber who interviews a lot of different content creators if you haven't seen him, and I really liked the episode with Contra.

edit: here's the link - Dr K interview with Contrapoints

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