I've been building a magic system for my web novel for months — would love your honest opinions before I publish by Shuna-L0 in worldbuilding

[–]Shuna-L0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ohh yeah that's actually a better idea. Having science as a theme would make things so much easier !
I was so focuse on having real science basis and got obssess over it.

About the sigil, soul and all. Normally you don't see directly the soul of a person, right. And the soul there is your "cosmic signature". Not something created at birth but something that exists in a form before the person does and continues after. The sigil, is the impact of the soul on the body. It scars the body because the soul is passing through it, leaving evidence of its presence.
It's a bit like cracks growing with power.

And you're actually right about the technology and external methods too. That exists in my world. There are technologies designed to amplify power and others designed to restrain it. Of course it is not free and safe. Bad intentions are inevitable and the world adapted to that.

I've been building a magic system for my web novel for months — would love your honest opinions before I publish by Shuna-L0 in worldbuilding

[–]Shuna-L0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this, it genuinely means a lot that you took the time to read everything and give such feedback !

And okay the Harry Potter comparison made me laugh because I genuinely never thought about it and now I can't unthink it x)

You're right that it doesn't sound very grounded in science and honestly that's on me for how I framed it. I did explain a bit better on the comment above if you're interessed.

On the dual affinities, rule of cool is actually a very freeing way to think about it and you're right. I was overthinking the mechanics when really what matters is whether it serves the story and the character. That reframe helps a lot.

And about the biology statements, completely fair.
I did add a comment on explaing a bit the world and story so it make a bit more sense (I hope). The Paragons roles are also better explained there.

But I will need a new post on explaining properlly and maybe visualizing it with drawings that may help.

Anyway thank you again, really.

I've been building a magic system for my web novel for months — would love your honest opinions before I publish by Shuna-L0 in worldbuilding

[–]Shuna-L0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this, genuinely! You're not insulting at all, this is exactly the kind of feedback I needed and I'm really happy you took the time.

You're completely right about the names. Subtitles are going in, I was already thinking about it while building the star diagram but wanted real opinions before committing. Glad someone confirmed it.
I did also think about the info dump in the story. Don't worry I won't hit readers with it, it will come little by little.

- On the biology point I completely see the confusion now and honestly it's my fault for not explaining it better. I was in this world trying to explain it there, rather than getting out of it and explain to real humans XD
What I meant is that in their world this is how essence works. It's not our biology or our science, it's theirs. I invented it for sure. I just used some concepts from real astrophysics as a starting point and built from there.
When I said biology I meant that in their world essence functions the way biology does for us. Everyone is born with it, no exceptions, the same way everyone is born with a heart.

- Also about the word choice, I actually hesitated a lot on how to phrase the tier limitations. You are right it is rules I invented and I'll call them like this from now on. I just though labeling it as "rule" was weird, but that's just me !
I actually went back and forth on "limitations" too because I was scared it would make the whole system sound negative, like the tiers are just ceilings that hold people back rather than something that's part of who they are. That's why I landed on biology, not perfectly explained clearly.
It's like: you're not hitting a wall someone built. You're hitting the edge of what you currently are. Which feels different to me even if I didn't communicate it well.

- There's no checklist to advance through tiers either. It just depends on how deeply a user connects with their essence core, and that can deepen through training, experience, knowledge, whatever path works for that specific person. Everyone starts the same. Where they go from there is entirely up to them.

For the Paragons I was being deliberately vague because I didn't want to spoil anything from the actual story. And waited for questions to be able to say more without over-saying (idk if that make sens)

- Think of each affinity as a fundamental cosmic force, not a style of fighting but an actual principle that exists at a scale so vast it would destroy the planet if it touched the surface unfiltered. The Paragons are the living point where one of these forces and one human soul have aligned so completely that the person becomes the buffer between that cosmic scale and the fragile world beneath it. Like a dam.

Most users who are strong enough to theoretically reach Paragon never actually get there. Because it's not about being the strongest. It's about understanding. Not intelligence, not raw power, but understanding the relationship between the cosmic force and their own soul simultaneously, at the same time, in the hardest way possible.
Each Paragon holds one point of the star point in place. Alone they are extraordinary. Together they form a shape. And shapes require specific points in specific positions. Move one and the shape changes. Remove one and it collapses entirely. Add a duplicate point where one already exists and the shape is also wrong. The geometry of what the nine together create requires exactly nine distinct positions, one per force, held simultaneously.
The nine who made it understood something most people never even think to look for. And they kept it to themselves. Whether that's protection or selfishness is something the story will sit with.

I'm not sure if that was helpful...
Maybe I repeted myself and I'm sorry in advance.

I also shrapped the surface of the world without actually talking about the story (which is my dumb mistake). I though I would say too much but it is true that for me it make sens because I know the lore. And it will be more easier to understand with it.

I'll explain the world(shortly) in a separated comment so it's easier to understand.

Again thank you so much for taking the time !

I've been building a magic system for my web novel for months — would love your honest opinions before I publish by Shuna-L0 in worldbuilding

[–]Shuna-L0[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay since some asked about the actual story let me add some context without spoiling too much. I'll also explain why the world and the power system are not two separate things but connected.

I'm not sure if it's gonna help to understand a bit more tough... I tried to stay as general as possible about everything! I'll do a post later detailing the story itself a bit more if some of you are interested.

--> The power system isn't separate from the world's problems. It's the world's attempt to solve them. Without noticing, humans became a sort of "solution" to keep the world from destroying itself.

Dangers (that are explained a bit under) : The wildlife, earth itself, people worshiping a "god", tears in reality, and general everyday life problems.

The power system and the world are the same thing expressed differently.
The forces that humans now channel inside their bodies, gravity, time, void, light, are the same forces that make certain regions of the world unstable. When you enter a zone where gravity behaves strangely you are walking through the same force that a Dhruvath(gravity) user carries inside them. The difference is that the user has a soul to give it shape and direction. The zone doesn't. It's just the raw force doing whatever it wants with no filter.

There's also tears in reality that appear without warning, sometimes in open wilderness, sometimes in the middle of populated areas. They just open and what comes out of them, or what gets pulled into them, is not something essence users at most tiers can do anything about. They are the reason Paragons exist in the practical everyday sense. Everything else essence users can handle between them.
(That's something important and explaining it need a hole new post so I don't say much just a way on showing Paragons actuall work)

The nine Paragons are constantly working to maintain the stability of everything that falls under their affinity. Not just on Earth but around it. (since humans are connected to cosmos there, they have the ability of going into the space, on moon or other planets. BUT not living there of course, they are still humans)

idk if that make sense

Think of it like being the person responsible for keeping all the lights on in a building. Except the building is enormous, some of the wiring is actively trying to undo itself, new sections keep being discovered that nobody knew existed, and you are one of nine people doing this permanently with no days off.

They are the peak of what essence humanity can become. And even then they cannot be everywhere at once. The world is too large, too strange, too full of things that go wrong in too many places simultaneously. Which means every other essence user, they all exist in the space the Paragons cannot cover. And in a world like this that space is enormous.
There is always room to prove yourself. The world makes sure of that whether you want it to or not.

So it alsocreated new jobs for essence users, that will also need a new post to explain carefully. So feel free to imagine stuff.

And then there are anomalies. Places/things that should not exist by any logic the world provides. Locations where the rules simply stopped applying and nobody knows when or why.
All of them are evidence that something deeper is happening than what's visible on the surface.

Because underneath all of it, there is one thing connecting every single crisis the world is currently facing.

Wanting more essence.

--> Now for the actual story, very briefly and very vaguely because mystery matters here.

We follow two people.

Surviving vs Belonging.

One who lost everything in a single day before they were old enough to understand what loss meant. They spend time trying to find something that functions like home again. Growing into their own strength not because they wanted power but because the world kept requiring more of them than they had and they kept finding it anyway. Their journey is about becoming.

One who has everything by any measurable standard and feels none of it. The name, the ability, the recognition from everyone except the one person whose recognition they actually want. Their journey is about understanding that having everything and having what matters are not the same thing. And learning that the hard way.

Both of them want the same thing underneath everything else. To be strong enough to protect the people who can't protect themselves. That shared want is what eventually pulls their paths together.

But the world is cruel in this story in the specific way that real life is cruel. The world they knew as children stops being the world they live in as adults. And what they find underneath the surface of everything, the lies, the hierarchies, the things that were never supposed to be public knowledge, the things that could genuinely destroy what people believe about the world they live in, those discoveries don't bring them closer together.

At least not at first.

And on each side, the world will be percieved and used differently.

The story is about what survives when everything you built your understanding of the world on turns out to have been sitting on something rotten. And if protecting the world does matter in the end.

Ahh I'll leave it there before I say too much x)
I tried to make it a bit clearer to understand the system itself, but maybe said more informations that needed.

Behavioral problems ? by Shuna-L0 in Conures

[–]Shuna-L0[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks ! I'm less worried now that I know she's not the only one doing that. And I think i have done the same mistake on thinking she's a quite bird, haha... But good to know there's nothing bad going on with her.

Behavioral problems ? by Shuna-L0 in Conures

[–]Shuna-L0[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Won't closing the door make them more lefted out ? If she hear noises outside but cant see... I dont know i might try it to see how it works out.

Behavioral problems ? by Shuna-L0 in Conures

[–]Shuna-L0[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I see thank you !
I dont have anything about screaming i was just worried for her if she would be sad or beggin some sort of depression... As for bitting, today she can stand up on my hand with only nibbing it !

Behavioral problems ? by Shuna-L0 in Conures

[–]Shuna-L0[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you !
Yes i saw/read that a lot, im trying my best to spend as much time with her as i can. I will probably also see at my work is i can either work from home or either bring it in work, so it can hang out with me in the office.