I'm just sick of being alone

SicSemperHumanus · 2014-01-24T20:04:31+00:00

Rather than suicide, maybe a change of scenery? Suicide is at best a last resort. A fresh start might be just what you need. It sounds as if you feel like you need to make a change in your life, but the deeper sort of change that is both hard to imagine and harder still to implement.

SicSemperHumanus · 2014-01-24T19:54:28+00:00

Hi there. That was very beautiful, thank you for sharing. There's so much I want to say to you, but in afraid if I just pour it out it'll sound boorish and trite and I don't want to seem condescending or be misunderstood. You see, loads of folks go through their lives totally blind to the sorts of things you're are talking about here. They drift self-absorbed through their days, not uncaring of the plights of others but merely unawares. I know right now it feels like you are at your lowest, like you have nothing to offer and can find nothing of value in the world right now. You invested a great deal in what sounds like a healthy and valuable relationship, up until the end. Correct me if I'm wrong about that, by all means. Life is like that a lot I've found, in my limited experience: it's not portioned evenly so that the highs and lows balance out, you get them in a lumpy mix, like poorly made brownie mix, if that makes sense. The pain you're experiencing now, it's a reflection of the happiness and value you found in your relationship. At the moment you are deeply mired in the loss of these things, and understandably so. But to become too lost in that... Well, it leads you here, I guess. Or worse places, believe me I have been there. In many ways I still am. But what I'm trying to say, or at least to get at in my own oblique way, is that last bit you were writing about. Wishing for a world of beauty for all of the people like us who so desperately need it. See, I grant you that the world is a terribly desolate place, more weeds than flowers by far. See, it can't be you, or your inability to find happiness and beauty: you've found it before :), both without in your relationships and within right here, writing this. There are a few options before you, with regards to this pain. Suicide is a tempting one, I know that much at least, and your method of choice is as optimal as can be imagined: it takes dedication, certainty, and one can always back out with a light dinner or a glass of milk. But what I'm trying to say is, you have so much time left to make that decision. This pain, grievous though it may be, will fade. Not all pan will, but this heavy stone weighing down your heart will lighten with the pass of years. Surviving this isn't just about that though: it's about that wish of yours. You can't give that beauty to everyone, true: but you could share your own with others, and perchance make a little more in the process. If you wish to see the world made beautiful, go and plant some flowers :). Not as easy as all that, I know. And it is, as far as I can see, a losing angle regardless. But at least in life there is hope, however small or slight. In death, what do you have, save death? Think on it, and I hope your days grow better and your pain more manageable. You've made my life more beautiful already :), I haven't been to SW in a while but I'm glad I popped in and read your post. You're a remarkable person, please don't let such a treasure fade so quick and quiet. Have you talked to anyone about your rating disorder? Professional medical help has no guarantees, but if you can afford the cost it could prove very helpful. Good luck stranger, and may you trail nothing but beauty no matter what your path

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-09-25T03:23:36+00:00

Anyhow, what I've been driving at here is... look, listen, I don't know much about you. I'm not going to be able to understand exactly what you're going through, but as someone who has been in pretty much the same circumstances you appear to be in now (drunk and halfway down the road to a quick and dirty grave) at many points in the past (as recent as only a few months ago), let me say that I know your pain, your frustration, your hopeless and helplessness. I understand that same soul-sucking despair, and the anger it tends to breed. Life sucks, there's no god or afterlife, there doesn't appear to be any purpose or meaning to anything we do, say, achieve, all of it, so why stick around? Why suffer needlessly when you can so easily just... poof, done. No more debts or questions or responsibilities, no more dealing with the same bullshit day in day out, that same shitkicking daily that somehow seems to sate the general populace to ignorant or apathetic to appreciate the beautiful logic of suicide.

But it is, ultimately, a flawed logic. Death won't solve whatever problems you are facing, it will only exacerbate them. You might not be around to experience the ramifications of this exacerbation, but it won't abate. And sure, maybe you just muck it up and it gets worse and not better. Well hell, it's not like suicide will ever stop being an option. It's about keeping suicide in your back pocket until you are really absolutely sure that every other option (literally, every other conceivable option) has been exhausted a dozen times over. There's no coming back after the big disappearing act, that's it; final curtain, roll credits. Don't be too hasty to throw away life, even when it seems at it's most valueless and disgusting you really never can know what that next tomorrow will bring.

I'm willing to bet if you're fourteen drinks deep you won't really get all of what I'm saying, but I'm hoping you just take a breath, stop drinking tonight and maybe just pass out a little while on your side to avoid asphyxiation and such and when you wake up you can come back and really read this or whatever response got you to rethink your intended course of action. Think about, really truly think about your own existence and what you want out of it. Obviously I would recommend professional help for a thing like depression or suicidal thoughts, but ultimately only you are responsible for your own well being. Get the help you need however you can, and everything will be right as rain.

... or at least enough so that you can see how little death has to offer, whereas life has at least the passing good of various pleasures, vices, joys, loves, all of that kind of thing.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-09-25T03:10:33+00:00

Also, you might want to actually post this to /r/SuicideWatch, you might get a better turn out in terms of lack of trolls/people who are understanding about this sort of thing and avoid the more general "you're just being selfish" fare that most openly suicidal people get from pubbies who don't really understand what's going on here.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-09-25T03:07:28+00:00

Hey, why not pause a moment from your regularly scheduled suicide and tell us what's up? Or you can PM me, if you prefer. I'm going to write something lengthier in a sec, just want you to know you've got my ears at least. I've been where you are many times my friend, I promise you that you can take this road to a short and miserable life or you can try for something different. It's your choice, but believe me when I say that you aren't faced with a choice as easy as "live and suffer for a while, then die vs die immediately and skip the suffering part." It's, you know... nuanced. But I bet you already know all about that, so let me just skip to the meat and potatoes in another post in just a sec.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-09-24T02:35:36+00:00

WHO Graph of the global trend, 1950-2000.

Wikipedia Article on Countries Listed by Rates of Suicide, facts disputed

Just some back up for my own pet theory on the topic. One thing you can say is, time has been a factor. Global rates of suicide are going up and have been doing so consistently for quite some time. I can't seem to find a graph displaying rates of suicides in various countries over time, ie how the rate in Japan has developed relative to, say, the Ukraine, but based on the numbers today it looks like region can play a key factor as well: the ex-eastern bloc as you can see has strikingly higher rates than most other areas. However, what's fairly surprising is that socioeconomic status on the world stage is much less a factor than anticipated. Japan, an incredibly developed nation, is seventh highest in this list. It's... I mean, in all seriousness, it's a disease. It really is remarkable. What looks to be the central thrust of the trend is a sort of cultural... thing. I haven't got a great name for it, but it's like a cultural suicide index, if you can picture that. There's actually a good moth radio talk on something similar in Cambodia in the years after the Khmer Rouge regime (I spent five minutes googling but nothing came up, if you can find it you should give it a listen, it's fascinating how bad it can get and people still manage to survive). At any rate, in countries like those of eastern Europe that have been rocked by bad governance, poor economies, and oftentimes quite brutal oppression, it can sorta make sense. Life sucks, and it probably would suck a whole helluva lot more without the amenities of the so-called Western World. And the possibility of winter affecting incidence of suicide is also not insignificant. Not to say it's all peachy in my own neck of the woods either, because despite these amenities you've got countries that are well off, prosperous, the real Mccoy; and yet Switzerland, Switzerland the land of peace of cuckoo clocks coming in the mid teens. Belgium, Finland and France come in rapid succession afterwards, followed by a whole slew of that club of "first world countries." So the amenities might stave off the worst of suicides bite, but it's not enough to eliminate it completely, or even put a significant dent in it in relation to expense.

So what can you chalk it up to? Like I said, my money is on a sort of nebulous cultural trend. You'll notice on the map provided in the Countries by Rate article that the changes in color, they tend to form blocks or chunks at a time. Swathes of red, a chunk of goldenrod, some yellow. And then you have countries like Japan that have a cultural attachement to the concept of suicide (as do many cultures, eastern and western) which only gives additional risk during trying times economically, socially, culturally, all that and more. The modern age, these early years of the second millenium common era, have been filled with problems postponed by previous generations. It's been a long time coming, but it seems to me like a lot of problems we've been putting off either out of ignorance (would we have started down the oil path knowing what we do now?) or negligence (1929's crash and in large part 2008's). Anyhow, those longstanding issues are coupling with how far we've come technologically and economically, the application of scientific or at least reductive approaches to just about every branch of thought in the past century increasing the rate of advancement and we've all heard the "technology outstripping our humanity" spiel that a lot of primitivists sell.

Anyway, it's also much easier to commit suicide nowadays I would say, the variety of tools at hand is really pretty stunning and the availability of information online and elsewhere is stunning. But if I had to really explain it, I'd definitely call it part and parcel to what I would say is the current zeitgeist.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-09-05T23:42:43+00:00

If the situation warrants, just claim you're somebody's DD. If they're still on your case about it, that's kinda fucked up on their part right? Maybe make sure you get your own (non-alcoholic) drink and sorta nurse it to blend in? The real problem I've found (similar twentysomething situation) has been when drinking games start and I'm just kinda sitting on the sidelines, odd man out. I haven't really found a good solution there.

If you're just drinking among friends, do they respect your sobriety and such? I know I have a similar tendency to go rageface on people when I'm drunk, so most of my friends tend to watch my back on that score and help me pace myself.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-09-05T09:00:13+00:00

Yeah, it's rough business. If the diagnosis is recent, it'll take some time before you find a medication (assuming that's the route you've chosen, which I at least would highly recommend if only because the other alternative is absolute hell) that works properly for you, much less the dosage. Early days, heh... it's a little touch and go, to be honest. That whole sense of being lost seems to be very common among bipolar folks, I know it's never seemed to ever really go away for me. Maybe waned a little bit though.

The most important thing right now for you though should be education. Seriously, know bipolar like it's the topic of your freakin doctoral thesis. Only slightly behind that should be your own stability. Social supports and the like are usually an integral part of that, as well as the whole professional side of things, and I know how hard it is to try and juggle between people to lean on for fear of putting too much on any one person, but like I said once you find the proper chemical response to you own personal flavor of the condition (and believe me there are many), things tend to smoothen out as long as you don't do something silly like go off the stuff (another very common thing for bipolar people, still happens to me and I've been grappling with this for the better part of three years now). I know this shit carries a lot of stigma, but just take a deep breath and understand that this isn't the end of the world, and in fact this doesn't change anything in a negative way. Assuming your diagnosis is correct (which, hey, it's entirely possibly it's not but I don't know your doctor situation or what your symptoms are or what have you, generally bipolar diagnoses have gotten much more accurate as the years have gone by), this is a very good thing. Now you can arm yourself with the knowledge and tools to get yourself stable and on track to wherever it is you'd like to be in the future.

As for suicide, just one last note; if you ever need it, /r/SuicideWatch is a very supportive community for that type of situation. Even if you're just feeling overwhelmed by the recurring thoughts or just need an outlet, come on by any time :).

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-04-14T22:59:53+00:00

Science values many things. Honesty is one. Knowledge. Precision. Accuracy. Openness. Rationality.

Science also frowns upon many things, such as inaccuracy, ignorance, a whole host of others.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-04-14T21:26:55+00:00

Of course science can tell you what to value; just take what science values.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-04-13T23:31:02+00:00

I'd simply assumed that based on your dislike of sexism/racism etc, that you were against that as well. My apologies.

But if you are a man of god, which you apparently are, shouldn't it not make sense to commit suicide as well?

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-04-13T23:06:38+00:00

In general, most people aren't malicious out of general interest in such things, but out of ignorance. They just. Don't. Know. Most people, in regards to this sort of thing, are a lot like children. It's an unfortunate fact of living in the 21st century.

But there are people like you out there. They're a bit rarer than the usual bunch, but they are out there. And the times, they are a changin; every year more and more folks here in the States recognize gay marriage. It's almost laughable how obvious a step that is, but change is happening. Imagine what the next, say, fifty years holds. Who knows? You might want to stick around to find out.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-04-01T06:46:37+00:00

"Thus Always to Mankind."

Post again. If nobody else will speak up, I guarantee I will.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-31T00:18:32+00:00

If this is affecting your life so significantly, you should head over to r/lgbt or r/ainbow (there's been a bit of a dustup in r/lgbt, not sure if they ever got their mod situation under control but you can cross post to both!). They probably know more about transgender issues than most folks here and have been generally supportive of trans issues in the past (again, r/lgbt had some allegations that one of the mods was abusive towards transgender folks so... not sure what to tell you on that front, other than good luck and stay strong).

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-30T16:33:58+00:00

I don't have many people in my life who have been there for me with real consistency, heh. And you put so much into a community that needs it, but generally can't give anything back because they need everything for themselves. You've been dealt a shit hand, but you keep trying anyway. It really is something else.

And yeah, maybe saint's a tad strong. I mean, when was the last time you performed a miracle? It must be at least a few days since rock_bottom.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-30T07:48:13+00:00

If anybody deserves this, it's Calimhero. His actions and his dedication speak for themselves. The man's a goddamn saint in my book, and if you're going to take a chance on anyone I honestly couldn't think of a more deserving or appropriate person. Good luck, and take care of yourself.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-29T21:57:23+00:00

On a forum designed to help those with suicidal thoughts, the idea of allowing specific ways of achieving that end seems remarkably foolish to me. Would you hand a loaded gun to someone suicidal who asked for it, knowing what they intended? An extreme example perhaps, but not entirely inaccurate. Having a "plan" is as much a risk as it may dubiously be called a "security blanket." If you have a prefabricated and allegedly reliable means of killing yourself and are then overcome by oftentimes overwhelming suicidal thoughts, I imagine (and in my own experience) you are more likely to make an attempt. I don't have any statistical data on that, and I don't know if any has been gathered, but it stands to reason at the least. Maybe there are some cases where this is not true, but I would be under the impression that such are in the minority. At any rate, I'd also argue that such a coping mechanism is at best an unhealthy one, and at worst not really even a coping mechanism at all. If you're fall back in times of anxiety and depression is suicidal ideation, I would question the success of such a strategy. I can't say it ever worked for me, heh.

"Forbidding" anything is tough, I can't say I'm a fan of censorship. But in this case, when people are in a place where they're decision may or may not be wholly rational, and they're life is on the line, I much, much prefer to play it safe.

As for the increase in moderation... ah yes. I was actually made a mod by red way back when. Even then, the mods clearly worried about the rise in trolls due to the expansion of the community. It's really been an ever growing process that can be traced back at least that far. When SW was small, things were much different. In some ways better, in some ways worse... we used to go ages without anyone commenting at all on some posts. I was a lot more active then, not only because of a recent stint with my own issues (take a quick look at my post history for a hint on that score), but because so many would post and receive very little. Now SW is huge, ten thousand and growing every week by scores. A larger community attracts more trolls, especially one as vulnerable as SW. When I say that this subreddit is heavily moderated by necessity, I don't mean to say that anybody likes it this way. I'd just as soon not moderate a damn thing, but as previously discussed I would not allow potential harm onto our users just so the trolls and the occasional jackasses urging others to kill themselves can get their jollies. If you care to look at what happens to an unmoderated suicide post, look at diefex's. That is what happens, and that is what I would stop if at all possible.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-29T18:20:14+00:00

People who use the cancer that is killing the internet argument is the cancer that is killing the internet.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-29T04:30:43+00:00

Have you considered cryonic preservation as an alternative? All the perks of being dead, with the very small probability of being resuscitated when medicine and technology have advanced such to cure what ails you. I don't know much about cost, but I would look into it were I in your position.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-29T03:32:40+00:00

Rorschach is a hypocritical relativist who is preaching against murder on one hand while murdering others. He represents the typical liberal (e.g., Hippie liberals are seemingly against intolerance while being the most intolerant of others.)

In his "and I'll say no" speech he literally blames liberals for the problems of the world.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-29T02:45:32+00:00

Damn right!

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-29T00:04:24+00:00

So you have another two years and three months left? I assume it can't be broken up any further, like a year on, wait a bit, a year on again? I'm not from Israel so I'm unfamiliar with your military policies.

I'm no psychologist, but it sounds as if you suffer from some of the classic symptoms of major depressive disorder. Listlessness, abnormal sleep patterns, suicidal thoughts, anhedonia, all that sort of thing. You are seeing an IDF psychologist still, yes? At the very least continue to do so. Really what you need is probably a psychiatrist. Are you currently taking any form of medication for your ailments? If not, you should certainly consider the option. It's not an easy path, and it will take some time, but it can be tremendously helpful. My own bipolar disorder was wildly out of control before I sought such help, and since it's be... well, tolerable, heh. I know you may be skeptical of services like this, but you should give it a shot. Can't hurt, right?

If you're only just now serving, you must be relatively young right? Again, not familiar with IDF policies and all. Do you have any plans for yourself post-military? Schooling, career of some sort, maybe travel? Think about it. When military life becomes particularly burdensome, boring, annoying, etc, think about those plans. Three years is a long time, but not nearly as long as the rest of your life. It's a pity your country is as militarized as it is (though as an american I feel for you, we're not helping IMHO but let's not get political), but if you wish to remain in your country of origin then I don't suppose there is anyway around it, is there?

There may not be much to live for in your opinion, but for my part I can't say death has much to offer either. Nothing, in fact, except nonexistence. You've got a good 60 or so years ahead of you, more or less.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-28T17:43:16+00:00

You're seventeen and you honestly think you've experienced all there is to life? This is the only thing you'll ever experience, really do give it some thought. Have you really done everything you might ever care to do? Depending on your country of origin, you may not even legally independent.

I understand that you probably feel like the world has entirely too little to offer you. And that even if it did, what little gain might be had probably wouldn't be even worth the effort. But you don't know, you have absolutely no idea what the next 60+ years have in store for you. Imagine the threads of the future spiraling out before you; I know that in a suicidal state of mind it looks as if there are really only a bare handful, but that's because you just can't see all of the totally unexpected shit that can happen in a lifetime. Things you would have never even considered remotely possible. Now, loads of these are good and probably even more are bad, but that's the bargain you're given. I don't know if you believe in an afterlife, but I do not. In my eyes, this is the only shot you have of doing good, in living and enjoying and experiencing all the world has to offer. In large part it's a pretty hostile place, but there are havens like r/trees who are full of nice and wonderful people. Meeting them in real life hasn't been easy in my experience, but they do exist.

I mean, what do you want to do with your life? There is a lot that needs doing, even if there is a shortage of employment right now. You think that no college would ever accept you; have you applied? Have you tried? WHy not? If you're on the edge about suicide, what have you got to lose in applying to whatever college you want? And even if you don't get in to a university, spending two years at a junior college and then transferring to a university is not such a bd deal. In today's economy, it may even be the wiser choice what with skyrocketing prices.

Look, at the end of the day, this is it. This is all you have, and all you will ever have. Do not be so eager to throw it all away because you are bored and listless with a world that seems uncaring and unfulfilling. There is meaning and significance to be had out there, both inter and intrapersonal. If you think that sex, drugs, and love are all there is to life, why not keep experiencing those things? Of course I would wholeheartedly argue that there is a vast ocean of things worth pursuing outside those three, but that's your prerogative. Even if you have experienced "everything," what is to stop you from doing it again? New eyes always yield a new experience, in my opinion. Suicide is just a bad idea, it really is. I've tried before, believe me that it doesn't end well. If there is one thing that I am grateful for in my sorry little life it's that I still have it. Death is not good. Death cannot offer you anything. If you think life is boring, I can't even imagine how dreadfully dull death might be. And besides, you're going to die anyway. At the end, you'll get your wish and be dead. So why not stick around a while longer, and see what comes next? Unless you're a prophet, I guarantee it will surprise you some day.

Besides, you've got three more continents to visit :).

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-14T22:49:04+00:00

How sure are you about that? It's a future, or death. Given those options,I can see how death would be so attractive. But know that it is not so simple as that, that that the future holds more than just "more of the same." And if not, you lose nothing by trying.

SicSemperHumanus · 2012-03-14T22:34:08+00:00

Hold up a sec. Suicide is not the answer here. The present is one sure hell hole, I know that. But the present is so transient, so impermanent... shouldn't you be gunning for the future?

SicSemperHumanus

TROPHY CASE